Why 'Brightsiding' Is Also Gaslighting -- & Positivity Can Still Be Toxic

[Behind the Aegis]

When was the last time you felt hopeless, like your soul was sucked dry, and then someone came along and told you to look on the bright side? Maybe it came as an enumeration of all of the wonderful things in your life or you were reminded that you don’t have cancer or that somewhere else on this planet millions of people had it so much worse.

Brightsiding is a subcategory of gaslighting, which you probably know about by now. Often toxically positive and well-meaning attempt to offer comfort, it’s the phenomena where someone insists that, no matter your situation, you look for some kind of positive. The important thing to remember is that if you tell someone who is in pain to be happy instead, you often make alleviating your own discomfort the most important thing in the situation.

Cassie on Euphoria Reminds Me of My Hardest Days Battling Borderline Personality Disorder
Over a decade ago, Barbara Ehrenreich wrote an article in Harper’s that started with, “I hate hope.” Her piece was about the aggressive cult of positive thinking aimed at people with cancer who can no longer be told, “At least you don’t have cancer.” That’s where brightsiding peaks, and Ehrenreich’s anger at it was a revelation for me. Her essay became a book called Bright-Sided about reckless optimism and the damage it can do.

My situation was less dramatic, but my positive thinking had almost destroyed me. At the time, I was trying to fight my way out of six years of being undermined, bullied and (occasionally) threatened during a doctoral program I feared had no place for me, even though I hoped that I could make one.

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[hlthe2b]

1. I heard an interview with the author of a book on Toxic Positivity on NPR last week. May have been

this one.

At first glance, it might seem like just another cynical take on "positive thinking," but then I recognized that an acquaintance of mine (that I've never liked but could never really explain why) was like this--to the point that they seemed to discount anyone who had a problem or was discussing any less than positive occurrence/trend. She had a "tic" that would have her always interjecting that "that's okay," no matter how serious the issue.

This interview/book explained a lot as to why that came across so badly.

[KarenS]

2. This is so real and true,,,,

When someone does it to me I am usually a complete bitch about it.

[madaboutharry]

3. This is a very good article.

I think that “brightsiding” is a real thing and that it can be disrespectful of another’s pain.

[dchill]

5. Right, but look on the bright side!

Edit: sorry, I forgot the

[dchill]

18. I do try to behave!

[Rebl2]

35. So true

[KPN]

4. So true yet the vast majority cannot either grasp or

admit it. I’m not sure which, nor can I be. But I do know from being a parent of an adult child who has struggled mightily with depression and a personality disorder of his own how true this actually is.

Sadly, I noticed that while 99 had viewed this OP, only 2 recommended it. I am the 3rd. I did so because I learned this lesson the hard way. I almost lost my son in my life, and almost in the most conceivably worst way. Only after years did I finally try to simply listen and acknowledge. That was some time ago now. Since then, my son’s trajectory has been remarkably positive in comparison. My response has not fixed things for him. He still is susceptible to feelings of hopelessness for periods, but they are fewer and far shorter. Listen and acknowledge — that’s what I have learned, and remarkably, it has been far more and mostly positive.

Ps — obviously, more like-thinking folks read this while I was one-finger typing my post on my phone. How nice!

[gab13by13]

16. You nailed it,

the only thing that is real is the present moment and accepting it.

In the book, A New Earth, Ekhart Tolle says, "What a dreadful day, without realizing that the cold, the wind, and the rain or whatever condition you react to are not dreadful. They are as they are. What is dreadful is your reaction, your inner resistance to it, and the emotion that is created by that resistance. In Shakespeare's words, "There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."

What happened in the past and what may happen in the future are not real, the only thing that is real is living in the present moment and accepting it as it is. What you did by listening and acknowledging was the best therapy you could have done.

[KPN]

29. Thanks ... I feel blessed that I finally learned

that lesson. …. That book sounds like something I should read. This stuff doesn’t come naturally to me. I can ruminate over the past and fret about the future with the best of them it seems. Fortunately, I’ve been married to a woman for whom it does come naturally for 42 years now. My kids were and are blessed to have her as their Mom. Me? I spent too much time always trying to fix things.

[I_UndergroundPanther]

6. I cant stand positivethink

It causes a visceral reaction in me thats pretty fierce.

Growing up I got gaslighted alot so when I catch a whiff of it I get pissed off automatically. I cant stand manipulation and when I feel like someone is trying to manipulate me l call them out on that abusive bullshit. And I'm not always pleasant about it.

I hate playing and dealing with people's mind fuck games.

[FM123]

7. Very good article.

I read another one on CNN, similar in some ways, that really resonated with me.

Cancer survivor blows the whistle on 'toxic positivity'
https://www.cnn.com/2021/09/30/opinions/toxic-positivity-and-cancer-survivor-column-powers/index.html

[DBoon]

8. immediately thought of this

[xocetaceans]

11. That and this...

[dchill]

19. And for those of us who just can't...

... there's Money Python!

[appalachiablue]

36. +1 :)

[Jazz Jon]

9. Agree to Disagree

Yes, I have been hurt by unfounded positivity, but I don't agree with the premise that positivity is in general toxic. I believe the opposite is true.

Yes, I was hurt by excess unfounded positivity when I was struggling as a first year teacher. I had close to zero support from my school system. There were no lesson plans, lab materials, nor curriculum. I had to develop it all, for four separate course titles each night. The stress was unbearable and I got little sleep. I was in a bad way.

In the morning a few other teachers would greet me in the corridor with a big smile and say "GOOD MORNING". No, it was not a good morning. I was barely making it. I would have felt much better if they had said today sucks, doesn't it. Their positivity was painful. I needed their understanding not, their shallow smiles.

Having said that, positivity still has its place. I believed that I would make it through each day, and that things would get better as I repeated the same courses the next year. I would prevail. Negativity such as, "I won't make it". And, "This is hopeless" would have doomed me.

A positive attitude effects you, your decisions, your will to overcome, and also the people around you. A positive attitude enlists their help. A negative attitude turns them away from you. Having a positive attitude is and has been critical to me getting out of bad situations and changing my life for the better. I have seen bad attitudes take people down. I think it is a universal that a positive attitude leads to better results. No it can't stop a bullet mid flight. But it can work miracles.

[PatrickforB]

26. Good point. But deciding you won't give up and seeing it through isn't

really what I'd call 'positivity.'

I'd more call that 'grit.' Because you do have to have grit if you're going to make it anywhere worthwhile. The psychobabble term is 'self-efficacy.' Going into a situation, you believe you will be successful. Because you believe in yourself. And when you get knocked down, you stand back up and go on. Because that is what you have to do.

Grit. And you have it. As do many others. Anyone, really, who has experienced success on their own terms has it. But look at what you did - it sucked, but you did what you had to do and made it work. You can be proud of that.

[wnylib]

27. Maybe the difference between your

teaching experience and the OP is that you were able to acknowledge that it was very hard and that you were in a bad way, but you were also able to find a solution through specific steps and tasks to see beyond the immediate situation. You could do that because you could face the reality of the situation first in order to find a way through it. But what if positivity is a form of denial that says, "Oh, it isn't really that bad. It's really better than you think so stop knocking yourself out trying to fix something that doesn't need fixing."

The OP is addressing a situation where she genuinely was up against a situation beyond her control to solve but her own determined, doggedly positive attitude did not let her acknowledge her feelings about how bad it was. Others also encouraged her not to acknowledge the reality of the situation.

I have been through some very difficult times when believing in my ability to get through worked, eventually. I have also been in situations when all I could do was put one foot in front of the other because that was all the energy I had in me to call upon.

But I have been in an experience where even putting one foot in front of the other was more than I could do. That was after the death of someone very close to me. I knew that I needed to rest, withdraw for a while, and come to terms with it. So the people who cheerfully advised me not to "wallow" in grief were not only not helpful, but they were hurting me even deeper, by discounting my grief, as if I had no right to it. It was the cruelest thing they could have done, even though they might not have been intentionally cruel. I could not snap my fingers and be happy to please them. I had to have my own genuine feelings whether it bothered them or not. When I needed to be alone, they dropped in on me unannounced and insisted that I go shopping with them to get out of my home and join the world - less than a month after the sudden, violent death of a young person.

So I understand how sometimes positivity is toxic and a form of gaslighting. Sometimes positivity says "You don't really feel as bad as you think you do, and if you do, you shouldn't." It discounts the person and their feelings.

[LakeArenal]

10. I just count my blessings every day.

Can be simple but…..

I am blessed with a great doggie.
There are flowers growing outside my door.
A wild bird eats out of my hand at the feeder.

I have great blessings but I guess would sound phony to many here.

[PatrickforB]

23. Nah, if you have it good and you know it, rejoice. And I, for one, rejoice for you

in your success - whatever that looks like.

I'm just saying, as I did in the thread below, that always being grateful is asking a bit much. That's all. Because sometimes I'm NOT grateful. But sometimes I see the sky, the trees, a bird fly, and then I am. For that. But I'm not always grateful.

[LakeArenal]

32. Im not saying grateful. I'm saying count the blessings you have.

I think it gets your mind on the better things than on the awful things that I (we) have little or no control.

I also have a list of happy songs like:

[Skittles]

12. good article

Last edited Mon Mar 14, 2022, 12:30 AM - Edit history (1)

someone remarked, regarding a gal murdered in Ukraine, that it was tragic but "now she is in a better place" and I just felt rage. WTF.

[Behind the Aegis]

20. I hear ya.

It makes offering condolences tricky sometimes, but I have always hated, "well, they are in a better place" or "they are whole again" or "at least they aren't in pain anymore". unfortunately, I feel as a society we are taught not to express negative or complicated feelings, and if we do, we risk being shamed. The state of mental health in the country, if not worldwide, shows how detrimental "everything is coming up roses" all the time hurts us in the long run. I know there are those who focus too much on the negative and can never see the positive, it is destructive too. There has to be balance.

When I was working, years ago, in the counseling field, one of the sessions I attended was on "positive stress." I wasn't real sure what the hell it was about, and I wasn't interested in the other sessions. I am glad I went because it stuck with me, and the overall lesson was, even if things are going really well, that, in of itself, can be a stressor and it is important to make sure you aren't ignoring other situations in order to bathe in the positivity.

[Skittles]

25. excellent response

and I will research "positive stress"

[Solly Mack]

13. Yes, it is. K&R

Thank you for posting this.

[Behind the Aegis]

21. You're welcome!

Thought I would let you know, I have been thinking of you. I'll drop you a line soon.

[NewHendoLib]

14. my wife has a friend like this - every attempt at discussion of a world issue

ends up with a cheery response that there are good people, we only need to pray, we need to be positive, with no indication that there is any depth. She took a "class in miracles", thinks she can talk to snakes, and won't go to a doctor for important tests - but fills her cabinet with homeopathic BS.

Yuck.

Thanks for providing the word for what she is doing!

[KentuckyWoman]

15. Reality is the best option always.

When life is hard face that it's hard. A healthy person can accept the difficulty at hand and still be grateful for whatever there is to be grateful for. It doesn't mean ignore the challenges.

A perfect example being when my husband was dying. Cancer is the devil. It was hell for him and gut wrenching for me. I wish it on no one. However, I am grateful we went through it with good medical care available and the face Medicare was there to help pay for it. There were amazing nurses, doctors, support people, social workers ... even good neighbors to picked up groceries when I could not get away. It would have been so much harder without that.

I don't know if that attitude is included in Bright-siding but I'm not likely to give it up. It has served me well all my life.

[PatrickforB]

22. This is a great post. I have read Ehrenreich. She wrote Nickel and Dimed about

the working poor here in America.

And she has a huge point with toxic positivity. Lots of money in the positive thought movement, lots of profits. And I love the line about how it is how you rationalize being grateful for the shit sandwich you have to eat every day.

I know there are people who have it worse off than me. But that doesn't mean I should be grateful for the injustice of my own situation. The chronic pain of loved ones. My own struggles. You do what you have to do. And when good things happen you rejoice. When bad things happen, you do your best to get through it. But always being grateful - that's asking a bit much.

Life is hard. It doesn't have to be. But there are a few greedy parasites that make it so.

I look at what is, and see what could be, then shake my head and spit.

[KPN]

31. " I look at what is, and see what could be, then shake my head and spit."

Because you are thoughtful, because you think. The world is a better place with people like you in it.

[TXPaganBanker]

28. It's one thing when someone else does it to you...

... but for me, it's a means of survival for myself. "When you can't find the silver lining, find the copper."

I'm' a Stage IV terminal cancer patient. I've got maybe a year left, maybe less. If I did chemo, I might make it two, but I've done chemo and it made me feel like I was already dead. I'm waiting for the part where they tell me it's gone from just my colon, liver and lymphatic system to when it hits bone or brain cancer. When it does, it's over.

I have low blood volume due to the cancer. It also means I have low energy. I haven't been able to work in almost three years. I retired at 40 before the cancer set in, and the money that let me do that is all but gone (4 rounds of cancer will do that). My doctors want to put me on more pain medication so that I'm more comfortable, but doing so, they'd have to revoke my driver's license.

I've made it perfectly clear how my end looks, and that I'm going to take matters in hand myself.

Sounds pretty damned bleak, doesn't it? I'm going out on my feet and laughing.

I'm a child of Loki. I'm planning a Dead Man's Party before the end, and my kids are helping. I have game nights twice a week. I have two wonderful partners. I daily look for something that makes me full belly laugh, just... laugh till I cry. I'm constantly told I'm one of the most joyful people that my friends and family know.

So... I hate to say it, but fuck people that think I should wallow in my situation (but also screw the people that think diet, yoga, black garlic or turmeric is going to fix anything). Is it optimal? No. Am I going to enjoy the time left? You damn skippy I am. I don't fear the end because I know what it looks like. But if Into Each Life Some Rain May Fall, I'll be Singing In The Rain.

[LakeArenal]

33. I love you. Thanks.

PS My dearest friend are going thru much the same. She is a trooper in every sense. Including how beautiful world she is losing. I love her and wish the world was more like you two. Best best wishes on your new adventure.

[shrike3]

34. I wasn't terminal, but I can somewhat relate to your experience.

I had no one positive in my life. All doom and gloom. I kept myself going. Looking back, it would have been nice to have someone positive in my corner.

I hope when my time does come, I can live even half as well as you are now.