Help me here...
I don't know if this is the right forum, but I'm following up on an editorial that JoJoJerz highlighted from Substack. I'm on Substack and I read this editorial before she brought it here. I have a few thoughts... personal thoughts... about the editorial. You can find JoJo's message here: https://www.democraticunderground.com/1016421196
I'm a small white woman... I've always been small... short, at least... under 5' my whole life. My grandfather was 1/4 Native American. I've been heavy most of my life; only when I passed 65 did the weight start falling off and I'm down to 78 pounds. But my life, as any woman's life, be she white, black, Native, Asian, ANY woman... echoes this editorial.
I think it's imperative we keep highlighting these atrocities and link them back to men of a certain breed... especially the young, testosterone filled hoodlums. But I realize in saying this, it brings so much pain because it is SO triggering.
Like many others here, I was raped. And my rapist wrapped a scarf around my neck and tried to strangle me during sex. It was so traumatic, I don't even remember how I actually got free. He then kidnapped me one night after work, threw me in the floorboard of his car, tied, and tried to do the same thing. One last time, he met me at home during a lunch hour, where he tried to kill me with his hands. I REMEMBER how I got out of that one. I picked up the nearest heavy object and hit him repeatedly until I got free and fled back to work.
But you see, I was ashamed. Ashamed I let it happen to me. Ashamed because I thought I somehow had caused it. I was so freaking young... barely 20. I was a babe in a big city for the first time after the Air Force (and yes, I was nearly raped there by three men in the Motor Pool at the AFB I was stationed at). I'm old enough that I was among the first flight of females accepted into Law Enforcement. A lot of men didn't like that then... just like now.
I also thought I'd brought it onto myself because I had left my old religion behind... for good... because of the hypocrisy I'd seen through the years. It was hard, because my whole extended family was filled with Baptist and Charismatic preachers. I kept my new religion to myself. But I had turned toward Paganism... Wicca, at that time... and I thought I'd found a home. The guy who ended up trying to strangle me was my first Wiccan High Priest. Those who are Wiccans here among us, know the power and energy (and naivety) involved in finding your "first coven." That's why I thought I'd brought it on myself.
Amazingly, tho I finally got the jerk in jail (tho not for raping and nearly killing me), I didn't turn away from Seeking and Paganism. Goddess bless, but She wouldn't give up on me. I just turned Solitaire for many years and learned by Her on my own. Enchantress, indeed. When I moved back to the Midwest, people who were seeking found my BBS and asked me to start teaching. Remembering my first days way back then, I decided "yes.." and every single 101 I gave had a lesson on cults, men drawn to the power of the priesthood, how to protect themselves, and when to get the frack out of there. I actually had to kick two out of my group through the years.
I'm trembling, with tears, as I write this. What happened to Robin Good and all the other women by ICE, thugs, and other men just taking advantage of the bedlam, triggers me everytime I see or read the headline. Worse, if I read the article. I know, even at 70 years old, I'll never trust another man in any kind of authority.
As I was telling Good's story to my husband a few minutes ago, I broke down in tears as I related all this to him... as well as about my (non peaceful) divorce. I was shaking so hard with rage, anger, and betrayal... all the old feelings I thought I'd mastered by finally moving from a Dianic practice to an eclectic practice, allowing (some) men to learn and take their side of the energies in group. And now it all comes back. I had hoped to end my life peaceful, living on a mere pittance from SS, but managing it, and continuing to teach and pass on what I've learned after 50 years in the Craft. That has come to an end in this America now. I no longer feel free to practice my Craft, except in secret once again. So much for religious freedom.
I don't know what the answer is for women like me in the U.S., except to say our Sisters in other countries have been living under this kind of rule (and worse) for decades, centuries, even. I find comfort in sisterhood solidarity. For THEY know what we all have lived through. But, I've not given up on every man. My covensibs are gentle people; they are the ones I want to be around... and have had a relationship with for over 30 years. And I remember the words of my husband who, after me crying all this out to him, just said softly... I hope I have never triggered you while you've been with me. And if I have, I'm sorry. He is sweet, loving, and gentle... tho dementia is stealing him away from me, and driving me crazy as my cookware disappears into only places his immediate thoughts place them.
But for my sisters here, and everywhere... who are living with old feelings and fears rekindled, take heart. You are NOT alone. We are all in this together. As you tremble, know we tremble and cry with you.
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