Borowitz - Who Trump Wants to Perform at the Super Bowl
Donald Trump’s objection to the headliner of tonight’s Super Bowl halftime show, Bad Bunny, has been well documented. He’s called the Grammy-winning global superstar a “terrible choice”—a remarkable assessment considering he also said that he “never heard of him.”
But Trump’s anger about Bad Bunny is more than just words. Behind the scenes, he has been engaged in an aggressive campaign to oust the Puerto Rican singer from the halftime show. That effort has been a tightly held secret—until now.
In a TBR exclusive, we have retrieved the following classified document from an open file box in a Mar-a-Lago bathroom. As you will see, it is a confidential memo to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell in which Trump proposes several replacements for Bad Bunny:
Marco Rubio
If people really want to see someone who speaks Spanish perform at the Super Bowl—which I don’t believe, quite frankly—there’s no reason to choose a person from a foreign country like Puerto Rico when we have a much better choice right here in the USA: Marco Rubio. You might wonder if Rubio can sing and dance, so let me answer your question: he will if I tell him to. Also, Little Marco has agreed to change his name for marketing purposes, so for the Super Bowl he will be known as Little Bunny. As you may know, Marco sweats A LOT and needs constant hydration, but we’ve got that covered. We’ll have some boys from ICE standing by with a water cannon.
Pete Hegseth
I’ve never actually heard Pete sing but apparently he takes his Pentagon staff out to karaoke every Wednesday night and he’s still going strong at closing time. They practically have to carry him out! From what I’ve been told, his version of “Eye of the Tiger” is the talk of Signal. I’ve asked Pete about these performances and he says he doesn’t remember even going to karaoke, but I think he’s just being modest. And here’s the best part: opportunity for Jack Daniels sponsorship.
https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/who-trump-wants-to-perform-at-the
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