The Borowitz Report: The Art of War by Donald J. Trump

[FakeNoose]

Link: https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/donald-trumps-the-art-of-war

Archived (no paywall): https://archive.ph/HwBng

Note: Today’s Sunday Read was written by Carlos Greaves, who has contributed humor to The New Yorker, NPR’s Selected Shorts, and the humor site McSweeney’s.

TBR EXCLUSIVE—The Borowitz Report has obtained the following White House press release:
The White House

April 5, 2026

For Immediate Release

For far too long, the foundational text on military strategy has been Sun Tzu’s The Art of War, which was originally written in the 5th century BC. Any book written by a Chinese general cannot be trusted and should not be used to educate America’s future military leaders. The fact that this treatise is still being taught at American military academies in 2026 is yet another example of woke DEI ideology infiltrating the United States Armed Forces.

Thankfully, President Trump has not read The Art of War (he has far more important things to do than read books), which explains, for example, why he made the bold decision back in February to invade Iran.

After compiling all of the lessons learned from the president’s historic military operation, The White House Press Office is pleased to announce the release of an updated version of The Art of War with insights from the most unique military tactician in human history, Donald J. Trump. It is safe to say, nobody’s brain works quite like President Trump’s.

Moving forward, this new edition will be the exclusive warfare strategy guide used to educate cadets at West Point, The Naval Academy, and the Air Force Academy. Below are some examples of so-called wisdom from Sun Tzu’s original The Art of War that have been replaced with President Trump’s new and unparalleled advice:

Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win.

Victorious warriors drop bombs first, then figure the rest out later.

Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night.

Your enemy cannot guess your plan if you do not have one.

There is no instance of a country having benefited from prolonged warfare.

Prolonged warfare may not benefit the country, but the distraction may benefit you personally.

The good leader is full of caution.

The good leader is full of himself.

Peace proposals unaccompanied by a sworn covenant indicate a plot.

Nuclear deals unaccompanied by a preemptive carpet bombing campaign indicate that the guy who negotiated the deal is a total loser.

The skillful leader subdues the enemy’s troops without any fighting; he captures their cities without laying siege to them; he overthrows their kingdom without lengthy operations in the field.

The skillful leader strikes civilian targets, then turns the footage into epic memes on social media.

- more at link -

Well done, Carlos Greaves! Please read the rest on today's Borowitz Report.