Borowitz - Markwayne Mullin's Tourist Guide to the US Now That He's Closing All Major US Airports
Howdy, disgusting liberal foreign tourist. Name’s Markwayne. That’s Mark like the Evangelist and Wayne like John Wayne and Bruce Wayne and Wayne Gretzky who apparently is Canadian? Ew!
Now, who here has two thumbs and two names mashed together like peanut butter and jelly? This Markwayne. And this Markwayne was just named the new Homeland Security Secretary by Mr. President, sir. And this Markwayne is not even mad he picked me AFTER he picked a girl. As such, things are gonna change round these here parts.
If you’re thinkin’ bout comin’ to America this summer, you might wanna check yourself. We love welcomin’ visitors here, s’long as they’re the kind we like, you filthy high-velocity train-ridin’ garbage. As secretary, I can tell ya, the biggest threat to our nation is Salvadorean ladies selling mango outside the subway station. They put their demon spice Tajín on it and it makes Markwayne’s tonguy hurty.
As such, I am closin’ all airports in those disgustin’ liberal cities until I figure out why everyone there seems to make such a big deal outta a buncha patriotic overweight virgins in riot gear brutalizin’ their neighbors. Cucks. So, if you’re comin’ to America, I’m excited to share with you these bangin’, patriotic, kid rockin’ tourist destinations you’ll love:
https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/markwayne-mullins-tourist-guide-to