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The Borowitz Report: The One Founding Father Who Would Have Been Into This UFC Fight Thing
Link: https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/the-one-founding-father-who-would
(The Sunday Read is for paid subscribers only)
TBR EXCLUSIVE: Since its announcement last year, Donald J. Trump’s “Freedom 250” UFC fight has sparked the ire of patriots and people on BlueSky who want to argue about something. (So, people on BlueSky.)
One of the biggest criticisms is that a UFC fight in no way represents our nation, our history, or what our Founding Fathers intended. However, new research reveals that one little-known Founding Father might have been into this.
To advance our understanding of American history, The Borowitz Report is publishing the following excerpt from the newly discovered journal of Chester “Chet” Dickinson (1739-1781), who was present at the signing of The Declaration of Independence:
Dear Diary,
Wasssaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap. It’s ya boi, Chet, here stanking up this joint. No, literally, I smell straight up BAD. ‘Cause it’s summer in Philly and I’ve been wearing a jacket and a powdered wig for days hangin’ out with my dumbass brother-in-law John Hancock at some boring shit he calls the Second Continental Congress. Total sausage fest. Ben Franklin and I spent the last two days asking, “Where da hoes at?” and then John Adams brought us farming tools. What a moron.
So, yeah, I guess I had to go to this stupid conference thing because my dumb wife asked her brother if he could bring me so I could be inspired by men wanting to start a new nation. Booooooring. It’s all a buncha nerds. I was ready to hate on it and started asking if anyone caught the game, but no one did because they’re all a bunch of lame-os but also because we don’t have any sorts of nationalized sports league. Then, John Hancock, who again, is my brother-in-law, was like, “Don’t embarrass me. These are my work friends.” And I was like, “What’s even the big deal about this meeting?” and John was like, “We are starting a new nation! A nation that can live to the ideals of modern thought and freedom.” And at first, I was like, “This is so boring,” but then I was like, “Hold up.”
And Diary, I don’t know if this was a hallucination from being locked in a room with stinky 18th-century dudes for almost two months, but I got an idea. If we have a nation, that means games. And championships. Championships where Americans (what I’m calling the people from this nation, DO NOT STEAL THIS, JOHN HANCOCK) can compete for the ultimate prize. Of course, the best sport is fighting, so what I am saying is our new nation should have an Ultimate Fighting Championship. And all Americans regardless of race and creed could watch men beat each other to a pulp for fun. I think the best people to fight are Bosnians and Alabanians. Real tough guys. So I tell John Hancock, “Wait, this is a really good idea,” and he was like, “I know.” And I was like, “Dick.” But he didn’t hear me, or he pretended that he didn’t hear me, so I kept thinking of how to create this beautiful vision and make it a reality.....
...[snip]...
Closing note from Andy: This Sunday Read is by Felipe Torres Medina, a WGA and Peabody Award-winning writer and comedian from a country you misspell. He has written for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, The New Yorker, and more. Follow him on Substack here!
- more at link (paid subscribers only) -
One of the biggest criticisms is that a UFC fight in no way represents our nation, our history, or what our Founding Fathers intended. However, new research reveals that one little-known Founding Father might have been into this.
To advance our understanding of American history, The Borowitz Report is publishing the following excerpt from the newly discovered journal of Chester “Chet” Dickinson (1739-1781), who was present at the signing of The Declaration of Independence:
Dear Diary,
Wasssaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap. It’s ya boi, Chet, here stanking up this joint. No, literally, I smell straight up BAD. ‘Cause it’s summer in Philly and I’ve been wearing a jacket and a powdered wig for days hangin’ out with my dumbass brother-in-law John Hancock at some boring shit he calls the Second Continental Congress. Total sausage fest. Ben Franklin and I spent the last two days asking, “Where da hoes at?” and then John Adams brought us farming tools. What a moron.
So, yeah, I guess I had to go to this stupid conference thing because my dumb wife asked her brother if he could bring me so I could be inspired by men wanting to start a new nation. Booooooring. It’s all a buncha nerds. I was ready to hate on it and started asking if anyone caught the game, but no one did because they’re all a bunch of lame-os but also because we don’t have any sorts of nationalized sports league. Then, John Hancock, who again, is my brother-in-law, was like, “Don’t embarrass me. These are my work friends.” And I was like, “What’s even the big deal about this meeting?” and John was like, “We are starting a new nation! A nation that can live to the ideals of modern thought and freedom.” And at first, I was like, “This is so boring,” but then I was like, “Hold up.”
And Diary, I don’t know if this was a hallucination from being locked in a room with stinky 18th-century dudes for almost two months, but I got an idea. If we have a nation, that means games. And championships. Championships where Americans (what I’m calling the people from this nation, DO NOT STEAL THIS, JOHN HANCOCK) can compete for the ultimate prize. Of course, the best sport is fighting, so what I am saying is our new nation should have an Ultimate Fighting Championship. And all Americans regardless of race and creed could watch men beat each other to a pulp for fun. I think the best people to fight are Bosnians and Alabanians. Real tough guys. So I tell John Hancock, “Wait, this is a really good idea,” and he was like, “I know.” And I was like, “Dick.” But he didn’t hear me, or he pretended that he didn’t hear me, so I kept thinking of how to create this beautiful vision and make it a reality.....
...[snip]...
Closing note from Andy: This Sunday Read is by Felipe Torres Medina, a WGA and Peabody Award-winning writer and comedian from a country you misspell. He has written for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, The New Yorker, and more. Follow him on Substack here!
