The choice to be child-free is admirable, not selfish

[alp227]

Jill Filipovic
Friday 16 August 2013 09.15 EDT

To the child-free women out there: thank you.

Contrary to popular media narratives and the critiques of those concerned about the continued supremacy of the white race, women who don't have children are not selfish, emotionally stunted or inadequately grown-up. In fact, they're the opposite: they're women with the self-knowledge and maturity to buck enormous social pressure and choose a life that's right for them.

The increased visibility and acceptance of women who choose not to have children is just one part of a social evolution away from the limited "traditional family" model, and into a world where human beings with a diversity of needs can create family arrangements that work for them. That's not just good for the child-free; it's great for feminism – and even better for society and families.

Bring up the possibility of educated white women choosing not to have children and you'll be met with intense hostility. The desire to forgo childrearing is a "banal fantasy"; having kids is the only way for adults to avoid "destructive self-absorption". The photo of the child-free couple on the cover of Time Magazine this month showcases "lazy yuppies" whose "matching swimsuits reek of self-satisfied, in-your-face Dinks (double income no kids)." The cover model's smile "is supposed to communicate her disdain for her uterus and her utter satisfaction with her size-4, cellulite-free, vacation-filled life".

full: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/aug/16/choice-child-free-admirable-not-selfish

also published at alternet: http://www.alternet.org/gender/why-not-having-kids-admirable-not-selfish?paging=off

[bemildred]

1. I think the point is it is nobody elses business. Period. nt

[Warpy]

2. It's neither. It's just one of many choices people make

if they are lucky. Unlucky people aren't offered any choices concerning their own bodies and lives, physical health, finances and religion all intruding.

Most DINKS I know are barely scraping by. Forget those long weekends every couple of months in the Caribbean, they're lucky if that time allows them to finish do it yourself repairs on their houses.

Articles about people with no kids are always ridiculous and usually written by people who have kids. That Time article is no exception.

[orpupilofnature57]

4. Truth ! All our friends with kids All have more money than us .

[orpupilofnature57]

3. We don't have children by choice, We love children as people...

not as 'Get out of jail free' cards for the things we do to the planet and mankind . Peoples barbed remarks through the years hurt, but did keep us aware of are own " Narcissistic Fibrosis " while we pointed out to our Friends with kids, they had them out of selfishness more than altruism . Truth my wife would have been a wonderful Mother, I on the other hand at the age of 55 need to grow up more before I could ever yoke that responsibility .

[bunnies]

5. Nice to see something positive written about us.

Thanks for posting.

[brewens]

6. I know I was resented by people I worked with for being a single guy with no kids.

I was also screwed over a few times. One time I was going to be passed over in favor of a married guy with kids for a day shift job. I found out about the couple of guys lobbying for him and the reason and raised hell about it! They didn't get away with it. I had been there longer. They were just kind of trying to convince the boss that I was happy where I was and that their buddy needed to get on days.

I'd also get called in on my days off when a "family man" claimed he just couldn't do it. Be expected to cover for other guys when they needed time-off but had trouble getting the same guys to work for me, usually it was the kids and family excuse.

I had a roommate who was a divorced guy at about age 24. He didn't have custody of his kid but he bragged about using her as an excuse to duck stuff like that. Ever since then I've known you can't always believe the family excuses. Sometimes it's a lazy-ass sticking it to you.

"Family friendly" is fine as long as it doesn't really mean single hostile.

[bhikkhu]

15. I worked for a company that was worse than that

...policy was you weren't even eligible for management if you weren't married, and proof that you were really married was kids. It wasn't written down anywhere, but it was common knowledge. One manager who was very competent was fired shortly after his divorce (which was also verboten). Bizarre place, but maybe not so uncommon.

[valerief]

7. It's unJesusy. nt

[awoke_in_2003]

21. Another plus...

[MADem]

8. We are in an age where it is no longer fashionable to tell people how they "have" to behave or feel

or live.

Who cares what people do? If they're happy, good for them. If they want to raise kids, biological or adopted, they should go for it. If they don't want to, then good--kids are spared from having disinterested or abusive parents.

[chervilant]

9. No kids here, by choice.

Got lots of criticism -- I'm the only one of six sisters who chose to remain childless. I've watched my younger sisters saddle their children with lots of difficult baggage, as we grew up in an alcoholic, abusive home.

One of my nieces is like a daughter to me -- sure wish I could have been her mom. Like I told her, it took me a while to realize I could be a good parent, so now I'm considering being a foster parent. There are thousands of children trapped in group homes -- proof positive ours is not a child-centric society.

[Triana]

10. DAMN RIGHT.

"they're women with the self-knowledge and maturity to buck enormous social pressure and choose a life that's right for them"

BINGO!

[matt819]

11. It's neither admirable or selfish. It just is.

The choice to be childless is just that - a choice. It's not admirable. It's not selfish. It's not a lot of things; the list is endless.

What's behind the choice is personal, and often those outside the decision-making process have no idea what went into it. Could be medical, psychogical, financial, philosophical. It could be a difficult decision or an easy one. It just is.

And as with all things personal, it's none of our business. Certainly outsiders have no say in the matter. Friends and family of the childless may not like of approve of the decision, and it may be hard or easy to accept. If you choose to be smug or self-righteous in response to a childless couple, that's not their problem. It's yours. And while just about everything today generates some sort of response - hell, look at any forum, including this one - sometimes it's best just to shut up.

Tough. It's really none of our business.

[Orrex]

12. meh

If someone gives you shit about your choice to be childish, it's because they're an asshole.

If someone gives you shit about your choice to have children, it's because they're an asshole.

[Demeter]

13. It's also discrimination; and no one else's business.

[Orrex]

24. Well, yeah

There are lots of things that are no one else's business, yet people still feel free to speak up about it.

If we banned discussions of things that are no one else's business, 80% of GD would disappear.

[Demeter]

25. that sounds like a great idea!

[kestrel91316]

14. The breeder crowd can be incredibly vicious. They obviously don't believe in self-determination for

their fellow humans.

[Orrex]

23. Well, the unbred can be pretty self-righteous too, while we're at it

Seems there's plenty to go around.

[kestrel91316]

29. Well at least the majority of us don't go around trying telling

folks with kids that they did a bad thing or are abnormal.

[Orrex]

30. Do the majority of people with kids do that?

The majority?

I'd like to see the data.

[Marrah_G]

36. Kestrel I usually like your posts

But frankly as a mother, I find your use of the term breeder offensive. It equates someone like me to livestock. I don't know if you meant it that way, but I am offended by it. Do you ever look your mother in the eye and call her a breeder? Is she okay with that?

I would never, ever call you names for your choices on how you live your life.

[Paula Sims]

16. Childless by circumstances

*Seven miscarriages (don't even let me see the paper-work that it's an abortion --MFs!)
*Several health issues including cancer, 10 knee surgeries (which almost left me paralyzed), husband's strep throat 30 years ago resulted in his mitral valve being destroyed and his needing open heart surgery and almost dying.
*Husband not having a stable job because of industry (which I guess is 99% of us today)
*Money not there
*Having to take care of mother-in-law and family

Now I'm 48 and hubby is 59 and it's too late. . .

It hurts when people judge when they don't know the story. Just because I'm a DINK doesn't mean we're reeling in money. Try $20k annually outlay in medical bills -- and that's WITH a premium insurance policy. And we're not done yet.

[Lithos]

17. Bull crap logic

Outcome and causation (motivation) are two different things. One does not preclude the others.

I know people who are childish for many reasons, some by choice, some not by choice. And of those who choose not to have kids, some do it for selfish reasons and some do it for unselfish reasons.

L-

[OrwellwasRight]

27. What could possibly be a selfish reason not to have kids?

To be selfish, there has to be someone to be selfish to -- it is a transitive characteristic. The only possible "selfish" choice about kids is the choice to have kids and then be a shitty parent because you selfishly put your needs over you children's. If there is no kid that you are screwing over, you can't possibly being "selfish" not to have kids.

That doesn't preclude you being a narcissist or a selfish person in other ways (maybe you take two parking spots or you never pay your fair share in a group bill, for instance -- both of those are selfish acts). But the simple act of having no children cannot ever be being selfish to anybody. In fact, if you are a narcissist, choosing not to have kids might be the most unselfish decision you ever make.

[Lithos]

33. I've heard many reasons...

They are too expensive, they get in my way, they ruin my waist line, I don't want to get rid of my sports car, etc.

I've heard many reasons for not wanting a kids and some are very silly and selfish in motivation. However, that said, would I want someone like that to be a parent? Of course not. Kids are a lot of work and time and are not for the faint of heart. Someone that vain would make a lousy parent and I think society is the better for it. I much rather respect those who say "kids just aren't for me" and leave it at that - no harm, no foul.

L-

[OrwellwasRight]

34. Those may seem harsh or even shallow, but how are they selfish?

If you HAVE kids and you care about your waistline or your sports car more than your kids, yes, that is selfish. But if you have NO kids, and you say I don't want them because they would ruin my waistline or make me sell my car, that is not selfish. That's smart. Those people know what they care about and make life choices accordingly. No one is being hurt by that decision, so it is not selfish.

You may value children more than these other things, but they don't. You may disapprove of their values (and I have nothing against being judgmental), but since no one is being harmed or disadvantaged by their choices to focus on things other than kids, I don't agree that you can call their choices selfish.

Selfish is when you won't share. Like when ou want all the money and none for your employees. That's selfish. What these people are might be better termed narcissistic.

[penndragon69]

18. Child free by choice.

With the over population, dwindling land and resources and global competition for
adequate food and housing, it is selfish to bring more mouths that need feed into
this dying world.

Wait 100 years and MAYBE, the planet will be stable enough for population growth.

Good Luck kiddies....you're gonna need it in 50 years !

[lcordero2]

19. this is stupid

The resource and outside help to have children just isn't there. It takes money.
People shouldn't have children in this type of economy and circumstances.

[maddiemom]

20. Sure we never wanted children in our twenties, we changed our minds in our thirties.

Although we eventually divorced, neither of us could imagine life without our now adult daughter. We continued to provide the best we could for her as she grew up. She's returned it many times over, if not financially. The economy as it is today, I wouldn't care to have another offspring to worry about. She's knocking herself out just to be basically self sufficient.

[Spitfire of ATJ]

22. Less than half of the voters have kids now....

So when politicians talk about "family values" we know they mean THEIR families.

[DesertFlower]

26. i had 1 child with my first husband.

my second husband had a child with his first wife. we decided not to have children together and never regretted it. we had cats instead.

[AnnieBW]

28. Child-Free by Choice and Chance

My husband and I fully intended to have at least one kid. I'm an only child, and he's the eldest of three boys. However, I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, and my husband fell from the top bunk when he was 10 and landed where little boys shouldn't land. So... after being very careful with contraception before we got married, we discovered that we couldn't have kids without intervention. So, we bought a modest house and thought we'd decide from there. Then, my husband got laid off in the tech downturn, he was out of work for 10 months, and we barely managed to keep our newly-bought house. There was no way that we could have afforded fertility treatments at that time. By the time we got our finances fixed, I was over 40. I didn't want to risk bringing a Down's Syndrome child into the world, and I probably would have had a lot of complications anyway. Besides, my husband has temporal lobe epilepsy, which is inherited. We didn't want to risk passing that along to a kid. We've talked about adopting an older child, now that I'm 48 and he's 50. But it's been mostly talk. Truthfully, every time I see and hear a screaming, misbehaved little monster in public, I'm very glad that we chose not to do the whole fertility thing. I know that we could have been great parents, and am jealous of women that pop out kids then mistreat and abuse them. But, I don't live a "run off to the Caribbean" lifestyle. I haven't had a vacation that didn't involve visiting my mother or MIL since 2010, and that was visiting my friend who moved to Kentucky.

[BlueJazz]

32. "every time I see and hear a screaming, misbehaved little monster in public"

Yep....as my post says: #31...I love children.
I sometimes think "Well, maybe if I meet the right woman and...."

But then I go to Sears or the Mall and your words speak the truth !

[BlueJazz]

31. I don't want children. I like, even love children...just don't care to raise any.

[OrwellwasRight]

35. That describes me exactly.

I think having kids is i often the selfish choice. Like when they ask people why did you want to have a kid and they say, "I wanted someone to love me." That's gross to me. Go out and earn somebody's love. Be a lovable person. Don't just pop out a baby that loves you because it can't eat and will die without you. That's gross.

[CTyankee]

37. why on earth does anyone concern themselves about other people's reproductive

status? I cannot for the life of me figure out why...but I suspect the motivations are pretty awful...