So, What’s It Going To Be?
Commentary Opinion ISSUE 4935 Aug 28, 2013
By Bashar al-Assad "writing in the Onion"
Well, here we are. Its been two years of fighting, over 100,000 people are dead, there are no signs of this war ending, and a week ago I used chemical weapons on my own people. If you dont do anything about it, thousands of Syrians are going to die. If you do something about it, thousands of Syrians are going to die. Morally speaking, youre on the hook for those deaths no matter how you look at it.
So, its your move, America. Whats it going to be?
Ive looked at your options, and Im going to be honest here, I feel for you. Not exactly an embarrassment of riches youve got to choose from, strategy-wise. I mean, my God, there are just so many variables to consider, so many possible paths to choose, each fraught with incredible peril, and each leading back to the very real, very likely possibility that no matter what you do its going to backfire in a big, big way. Its a good old-fashioned mess, is what this is! And now, you have to make some sort of decision that you can live with.
So, where do I begin? Well, this is just the tip of the iceberg, but lets start with the fact that my alliance with Russia and China means that nothing you decide to do will have the official support of the UN Security Council. So, right off the bat, Ive already eliminated the possibility of a legally sound united coalition like in Libya or the First Gulf War. Boom. Gone. Off the table.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/so-whats-it-going-to-be,33662/