I need new Friends...or something...

[FirstLight]

Woke up today just depressed, lonely and overwhelmed..
As a single mom of teens, and having been alone much of my adult life..I usually just suck it up and keep moving forward. But these last few months/weeks have taken their toll and I have never felt so alone or unsupported in my LIFE.

* Parents taking turns at having strokes, my sister is the older responsible type and I am too broke to drive to their house everyday so I have to do what I can to support them.
* Teen-son has been making life HELL at home for about 6 months now...and I can't seem to get the counseling I need or help from the school. Home life is either let him get stoned and do what he wants or have huge fights and end up with the sheriff/cps at our house.
* teen-daughter is flaiing in school because of chronic health issues and depression/anxiety over brother's issues. She's actually a straight-A student and is trying to get into independent study so she can graduate early and get ON with her life...

Meanwhile I work, come home sleep and work again. I have NO real social life, and the "friends" i have are all involved with their own families. I post a small rant needing support and they all decide it's time to tell me I'm not parenting enough and my kids should be helping more. FUCK! Can **I** get some attention and support maybe?

There are just some days when I wish I had someone to hold me and take care of me for a change.
There are days when I wish I could have some fun and not be worried that things are going crazy all around me.
There are days when I need nurturing, and I don't have anyplace to get it.

Sorry to rant here, but it seemed as good a place as any.
Now I have to suck it up, stop blubbering and get ready for work...again...

I need a fucking vacation...

[backtoblue]

1. FirstLight, you are not alone

I've been basically hiding from the outside world for a couple of years now. It just seemed like everyone was bitter and judgmental all the time. I'm trying the internet first, then maybe move on to interacting with *real* people again. From my heart to yours, we'll get through this shithole together

[Sherman A1]

2. I have no real advice to offer, but

know that one you are not alone and that there are people who care. Even in the darkest days of an ugly divorce and the emotional rollercoaster that it was I had some good advice and folks that would check on me. There was nothing that they could really do as it was a matter of time and weaving through the process, but I will share what little advice that stuck with me from those days.

1). Be sure that you eat right and take care of yourself (get the sleep you need and exercise)

2). It is not your fault.

3). Each day will get a little better, sometimes it is an very micro amount, but it does get better.

Hang in there!

[Phoenix61]

3. Some days are harder than others

I joke that what I really want is a nanny, for me. Someone to bring me a cup of coffee, fold the laundry, then lie their ass off and tell me everything will be alright. Actually, I know it will be alright but it sure would be nice to hear it from someone else. Hang in there, it's almost Friday.

[Cary]

4. I'm sorry

You sound like a good candidate for depression.

Re-double your efforts to get counseling. There must be some resource available.

[AJT]

5. I was a single mom of 2 also. I raised them on my own since the youngest was 3.

I struggled. I was depressed and lonely most of the time. I had no reletives that lived anywhere near us, although we weren't a close family anyway. I did what you did and just did what I had to do day to day. My job required I be oncall and come into work if I got called. I would have to bring my kids in with me on the middle of the night if I got a call. Both my kids are grown and on their own, I have an 18 year old grandson now. I was not a great mom but they both made it through my raising them. Eventually your kids will grow up and you will have time for yourself. Just keep keeping on. I hope you find a friend to talk to, I know how hard it is.

[LisaM]

28. I think it sounds as if you were a great mom.

It's really easy to do things when you have all the tools, but to succeed in bringing kids up when you have the odds stacked against you - I think that is a sign of greatness.

You rock.

[syringis]

6. Hello FirstLight

I'm really sorry for you. And even more because I can't help much.

I understand your feelings. Raising teenagers is like eating a soup with a fork...

If you can get help from school, perhaps your doctor can help you to find solutions ?

Or maybe a DU member from your area ?

I'm in Belgium, Unless listening to you, I'm helpless, I'm afraid.

Maybe an association that organize activities for Teenagers ? It might relieve you a little.

[Ohiogal]

7. Please know

that you have lots of friends here on DU who are glad to lend an ear or listen to you blow off steam.
Life ain't easy and it sure sounds like you're going through a tough time right now. Sending out all the good karma I can muster for things to get better soon!

[msongs]

8. give teen son 30 days notice and show him the door nt

[FirstLight]

12. yeah...I wish,

apparently you can't just give up your kid...not even to foster care...they won't throw him in juvey because he hasn't been caught breaking the law, and even truancy isn't enough to get hm thrown in the clink...

Believe me, he's pushed every button and I have called EVERY agency. My only option is to find a private rehab or boarding school and pay out of pocket

[RandomAccess]

15. I've never heard of rehab working without

complete buy-in and commitment by the patient. If someone is an addict of any kind, they have to "hit bottom" (whatever bottom is for them) and make that decision on their own.

Is he angry with you? Was there a divorce? (Not necessarily my business and don't feel required to answer, but ... there has to be an underlying cause.)

[FirstLight]

9. Thanks for just responding... and the "e-hugs"

I decided to take some of my tax money and run away next weekend... looking at spa/weekend retreats in No. Cal

I don't care if I leave the kids home alone for a saturday night... fuckit, if they trash the house there will be consequences. Otherwise I'll give them groceries and just bail...


I actually *do* have a new counselr set up for next week too. My son was supposed to go and blew off his appt monday to go get high at a friend's house, can't reschedule till I can cough up $50 for the no-show.

[RandomAccess]

14. I am SO glad to hear this

the part about a getaway weekend. That was going to be my biggest suggestion: you have to nurture yourself some. As the saying goes, you can't fill others from an empty cup. (Or something. Put your own oxygen mask on first.)

First, BIG HUGS. I so honor your need for some support, and nurturing, and wish I could help with some of it. But let me share some thoughts -- not really "advice," but if something resonates with you, that might be something to try, or to consider adapting in some way.

Oddly, one of the strongest things I'm getting is to take yourself to an art museum or gallery(ies) now and then. I think that's advice from Drawing From the Right Side of Your Brain or another book from that era that encouraged you to "fill up" so you have something to give. Inspire yourself. Lift your sights. I don't know if you're an artist or not, but it's remarkably good advice, really. I know because I tried it during a period when I too needed upliftment. Even a good movie. . .or perhaps a lecture or workshop. SOMETHING, anything, that takes you out of yourself in a positive way, something that uplifts you. NOT job or career related.

I don't agree with one of the posts above to show your son the door if he doesn't toe the line, BUT, I'm wondering how old he is and if it's possible to back off a bit and let him live with his own consequences. Is he a GOOD kid or are you concerned about either worse drugs or possible crime? (That's a question for you to answer for yourself rather than to me.) My point is that I think most kids who've experimented with marijuana have lived through it to become productive and successful adults. Maybe your degree of worry -- and intervention -- isn't really needed??

Your daughter seems to me the one who may be needing more of your attention right now. Maybe a trip to the art museum or a few galleries would be good for her too? Or a "girls night out" doing something she particularly likes or wants to do. I hate to hear that she's a good student but failing -- I want to say (absolutely without judgment): don't let her down.

You'll definitely be okay in the long run, but I think you can shorten the journey from here to there by giving to yourself more. And even if Mr. Right shows up sometime soon, nurturing yourself is still necessary. It's necessary for all of us. So wrap yourself in your own self-love often, especially this weekend.

More hugs.

[FirstLight]

16. found a possible way to nurture...

Old Folsom has a B&B and a spa nearby...I might just take off this saturday and have some fun buy myself.

My daughter is often my travel buddy and we go out to dinner often when we don't want to go hoe and deal with awful brother.
and no, he's not just experimenting, he's showing real mental illness signs and is abusive, agressive and awful if I even say "no" in any form...it's BAD...I was one of those who partied occasionally as a teen, but he's got the addictive behavior already and I'm afraid it will be bad drugs in a year if he doesn't get some help. I even got his dr to get us to a psych eval because there's mental illness on my ex's side (and yes, depression on mine)

Meanwhile, I'm just gotta make it through the next day and then Saturday I'm thinking of just running away for the weekend...ALONE! I have a couple books I wanna read, and even sitting in the garden of a B&B reading sounds like heaven...

[RandomAccess]

24. Sorry to hear that about your son

I can't wait for your weekend, though.

Hope it's wonderful plus.

[Fresh_Start]

10. can you try having family meetings?

https://centerforparentingeducation.org/library-of-articles/healthy-communication/family-meetings-power-working-together/

PS: find some group of compatible adults to spend some time with. Even just one or two other mom's or parents who are living with teens

[FirstLight]

11. kind of "done" with other parents

Everyone has an opinion and thinks they know how I can "fix" my kids... too much judgement

We will be having family sessions once we get a few singles out of the way

[Fresh_Start]

18. the other parents aren't about how to fix your kids

its for companionship with someone who might have a clue
my and my mom's group...go to movies, opera, hike, play cards, ....we are not about fixing each other but about support

[FirstLight]

25. yeah... no

Like I said I need new friends...
My mom friends are to involved with their own lives, never want to go out, many have husbands or BF's, and only know how to tell me what I'm doing wrong as a parent, etc...seriously...I posted on FB this morning a mini-rant about not feeling appreciated and having to do everything myself, and feeling ALONE and three of my mom friends chirped in telling me I should make my kids do more chores... that's NOT what I need!

I'm going to check out local Meetup groups, maybe they will be more open to new friendships

[MFM008]

13. I went through a bad patch

With my son.
Drinking. Pot.
Women that looked like hookers.
Sometimes you have to think about you.
Your sanity.
He's my only child.
I was lucky he pulled himself out of most of it.
Still drinks to much but hes 35.
There comes a day.
you have another kid
that needs you.
Maybe talk to police for options.
They had a camp here
Mine went to. It helped.

[diva77]

17. just brainstorming here - although you've probably considered these things already

Is there a way to find a male role model for your son -- like through BigBrothersBigSisters of America (I don't know anything about the organization) http://www.bbbs.org/enroll-a-child/

or perhaps having him visit or volunteer a veteran's hospital to see people who have endured the most adverse conditions and are working hard to heal while in need of help doing physical things...
https://www.volunteer.va.gov/

Your post shows that you are a concerned, caring mother...

[matt819]

19. Sounds pretty damn stressful

I don't really have any answers. I've suffered from depression for more than 25 years, though my therapist says it's more anxiety disorder. I say tomato, she says tomahto. It's still unpleasant. The fact that you're getting out of bed in the morning and still concerned about - if fantastically frustrated by - your teenagers is a good sign.

I'm sure you've looked into working with counselors at school and I'm guessing that was a flop. Is there a family services agency in your area? They may have resources or recommendations.

Having kids on meds may not be a good thing, but it may be worth looking into. I'm not talking about Adderall and the usual ADHD meds, but anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications. Event the process of moving in that direction could force them to focus on their problems.

One thing I've been doing for the past several years is volunteering at a homeless shelter. There's an element of "there but for the grace of god. . . " in volunteering at such a place. Hey, maybe I don't have it so bad, etc. But what I have found more important - for me and maybe for the homeless - is treating with respect and decency and kindness people who are usually invisible or treated with contempt in their communities. You could even volunteer with your kids. Once a week, once a month - whatever. Don't get me wrong. I'm not necessarily opposed to sitting around and feeling sorry for myself and my lot in life. If only I'd done this, or that, things would be different. But "getting out of my own way" and doing something decent for someone else - and someone else who appreciates the effort - really does help. Well, it helps me.

I'm not sure that virtual friends on social media is all that it's cracked up to be, but to the extent that we have some sort of community her on DU, I think you know that you can always vent and no one will judge, and maybe you can crowdsource a nugget of wisdom from the responses.

[lillypaddle]

20. Sounds to me

like you are doing everything you need to do. Damn, you work so hard, try so hard. You are an amazing woman and mother. I know, words are cheap. Nothing about $5,000 couldn't help ... wish I had it to give you.

Best we can offer you here is an ear. and a virtual hug.

Hang in there. Someday your turn will come. I just know it.

Jackie

[TygrBright]

21. When I felt like this...

..someone suggested I try one of those "Meetup" websites.

I don't usually do stuff like that.

But found a scriptwriting workshop that meets monthly in our town, and a board games group in our neighborhood that cycles through some games I like at their weekly meetings.

There's no big pressure, commitment requirement, etc.

Haven't met any new real friends yet, but it does get me out of the house a bit.

diffidently,
Bright

[FirstLight]

26. I am going to try that

I already belong...just need to GO to one of the meetups!

Living in a remote rural mountaintown, it's definitely hard to meet folks

[mtngirl47]

22. Here's my favorite saying I repeated during my bad days...

Everything will be OK in the end....If it's not OK--it's not the end!

Smile and enjoy your get away!

[world wide wally]

23. As long as you know you are doing the best you can, and keep that in mind, you will be alright

[Olafjoy]

27. Broken Glass

Dealing with teenagers is like walking on broken glass. It is bloody painful. Rant whenever you need to. I am not going to offer advice. No one tries to raise their children to smoke pot and be douchebags. They do stupid things until the frontal cortex fully develops at 25 and they are capable of more rational thinking. Hang in there. I drank shots of vodka when it got really bad. Every kid is screwed up to some degree even if parents tell you they aren’t. I know because I work in a college health center. We care. If I were with you I would pour you a shot.

[kooth]

29. New Friends ... or something ...

Consider me a person who is pulling for you! I remember when my son had decided the world was all about him: It happened to my oldest daughter too. Keep venting to your friends here on DU. Having venting partners really helps to blow off steam!

Sending E-Hugs your way! Just know that those of us who say it, mean it: Hang in there!



Sincerely,

Keith E. Cooper

[amandae]

30. Single mom here also; you're not alone

I understand all too well what you're describing. It does get better/easier as they get older. I'm so glad to hear that you're taking a little vacation, also! You need things like that to recharge when life just feels like a lot of work.

[FirstLight]

31. I knew today at work would be hard, but yeah

Ended up not being able to stop crying in the bathroom for about 10 mins. I work with kids and my "boss" who is half my age told me I wasn't managing them well...I told her that i told them what to do but they were out of control and I didn't know what to do. I swear the little boogers are like dogs, they can smell it when you are emotionally unstable!!!!


Anyways...my "mental health" weekend is starting early since I already decided to call in sick tomorrow... going to take a drive to the nearby dispensary and get myself some pain medicine, then off on Sat to my weekend retreat. I already found the B&B and the SPA...and now am looking at places to take myself to dinner Sat nite...


Even though I know it's "irresponsible" of me... my teen-son asked to spend the weekend at his friend's house, which gets me off the hook for excuses as to how to leave and not have hm throw a party. My teen-girl is looking forward to her own "spa weekend" at home with NOBODY to bug her! (a bestie and some face masks and pizza should do the trick)

could it be a win-win?

I also spoke to my mom tonite and she said she's fine and I don't need to come visit this weekend. She saw the Home Health Nurse and they determined she only needs some speech therapy, but since she was already working out 3 days a week, her physical recovery is going fast!

So yeah...taking my mental health day NOW...rather than waiting to crash & burn (I have done so a fw times in the past 2 years...i have my own autoimmune issues and need to take care of myself.) I don't wanna end up on disability again this year!

[bluecollar2]

32. I can't offer any advice

But I can tell you that you've got a new friend in Florida.

I'm experiencing some difficulties myself so I do understand the frustration, depression, and anger that you are probably feeling.

What provides temporary relief for me is exactly what you are doing. I remove myself temporarily from the situation and do things for myself.

I hope you enjoy your time away.

We're all here for you.

[FirstLight]

34. ...

for us both!

[mercuryblues]

33. No matter what you think

you are a good parent. You are just exhausted right now. Kids are doing what kids do best, pushing buttons and rebelling. I have a son that sounds very similar to yours. It ain't easy. Holy shit it ain't easy. He wore me out and made me old. I was in a better position than you financially and Dad in the home. Do not think for one second that being a struggling, single parent is the root of this, therefor your fault.

Every day for months I would get a splitting migraine 30 minutes before he came home from school. Which made handling the turmoil even harder. One piece of advice I can offer is pick your battles. Be non-yielding on the big stuff. Compromise on the medium stuff.

The one thing that I said that seemed to get his attention was that if he hated school so much, why are you failing, Don't you know you are insuring that you will be there an extra year failing this year? If I were you I would being doing my damdest to pass everything and get out either early or on time.

I can't help you with a vacation. Taking a hot bath, with a good book every Sunday night was a great de-stressor for me

[FirstLight]

35. ...true

The picking the battles part...I know there's ways I could come down harder,but sometimes letting him go to a friend's house gives me a break too...! (Just be careful which friend!)

Thanks