I think I found a major flaw in Jim Bakker's 'Apocalypse Survival' package

[Siwsan]

According to an article in The Daily Mail, this is what he is offering for purchase:

A generator package ($4,100)
seven years of food for $2,200
the When Nature Calls offer ($100) which includes a bucket with a toilet seat and six rolls of tissue
and a fruit bundle with a 20-year shelf life ($450)

So, based on having 7 years worth of food and what sounds like a massive '20 year' fruit roll up, he expects that your family will need less than 1 roll of toilet paper per survival year?

[lapfog_1]

1. for those special occasions.

dried leaves or rounded stones normally.

[FSogol]

7. Leaves? They could use the neck of a goose.

From "Gargantua," the epic tome by Francois Rabelais, a 16th century french comic, who wrote an entire chapter on the joys of wiping his ass:

“Once I did wipe me with a gentlewoman’s velvet mask, and found it to be good; for the softness of the silk was very voluptuous and pleasant to my fundament. Another time with one of their hoods, and in like manner that was comfortable; at another time with a lady’s neckerchief, and after that some ear-pieces made of crimson satin; but there was such a number of golden spangles in them that they fetched away all the skin off my tail with a vengeance. This hurt I cured by wiping myself with a page’s cap, garnished with a feather after the Swiss fashion. Afterwards, in dunging behind a bush, I found a March-cat, and with it daubed my breech, but her claws were so sharp that they grievously exulcerated my perineum. Of this I recovered the next morning thereafter, by wiping myself with my mother’s gloves, of a most excellent perfume of Arabia. [He continues in this vein for several pages.] But to conclude, I say and maintain that of all arse-wisps, bum-fodders, tail-napkins, bung-hole-cleansers and wipe-breeches, there is none in this world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs: and believe me therein upon mine honour; for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down, and of the temperate heat of the goose; which is easily communicated to the bumgut and the rest of the intestines, insofar as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains. And think not that the felicity of the heroes and demigods, in the Elysian fields, consisteth either in their Ambrosia or Nectar, but in this, that they wipe their tails with the necks of geese.”

Article here:
https://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/572/what-did-people-use-before-toilet-paper-was-invented/

[A HERETIC I AM]

15. I'm sure the goose is just thrilled with the idea!

[FSogol]

16. With the amount of greasy poop, they leave behind, they

Probably deserve it.

[Blue Owl]

2. Fruit bundle?

I think we know who the fruit bundle is here...

[Siwsan]

4. In a pinch (or state of apocalyptic confusion) you could substitute the fruit roll for the TP.

Unless you live in Canada. Those pesky Canadian restrictions on apocalypse fruit!!

[bronxiteforever]

3. I love these Jim Bakker stories. Hysterical.

[Generic Brad]

5. Wouldn't everyone be scared shitless during an Apocalypse?

Especially if everyone else is wiped out!

[ThoughtCriminal]

6. Aren't they supposed to rapture out of this?

Knock Knock!

Who's there?

Armageddon!

Armageddon who?

Armageddon tired of waiting for the apocalypse!

[SCantiGOP]

8. Hey, the rapture will be great

I’ve read that everyone will be nekkid as they fly up to heaven.

[Va Lefty]

19. Don't be left out! get yours today!

[jmowreader]

9. I found a worse one

Here's the generator kit:

https://store.jimbakkershow.com/product/complete-expandable-fuel-less-generator-package/

For the low, low price of only $4100, you receive:
2 x 100-watt solar panels
1 x "fuel-less generator" which is a 1500-watt UPS you plug your solar cells into
1 x "fuel-less generator expansion battery"
1 x hand crank
1 x 600-watt microwave

How fast is the microwave going to drain the UPS? And how many days will it take to recharge it?

Oh...the "fruit bundle" is a four-gallon bucket full of freeze-dried fruit.

[The King of Prussia]

10. Please don't read The Daily Mail

It's a vile right -wing rag.

[Siwsan]

11. I know, but it's a guilty pleasure that I intend to continue

To be fair, although much of what they print is trashy drivel, they have broken a story or two - like the one about Rob Porter's habit of abusing his wives.

I also read the headlines on 'The National Inquirer' when I'm standing in a grocery line. Perhaps that makes me easily amused, incorrigible, or both.

[Iggo]

12. A hundred bucks for a bucket and some asswipe?

Why are people stupid?

[Grammy23]

13. Cant we find a 5 gallon bucket at Lowes or Home Depot for maybe five bucks?

Better yet, see if you can’t get a fast food place that buys pickles by the bucket to give you one.

Big Lots has a large package of butt floss for $8.00.

Jim Bakker was rather chastened and contrite after he first came out of lock up. I see he has gotten over all of that and is back to fleecing the flock. No wonder they think tRump was sent by god. He is their mentor for fleecing folks and pulling wool over the eyes.

[A HERETIC I AM]

14. A comedian once said.....

that when he goes to the grocery store, he puts a package of toilet paper up first, then all the rest. He then asks the checkout clerk this judgement question;

"is this enough toilet paper for all this food?"

[edbermac]

17. Yeah, no mascara included.

[uriel1972]

18. It took me a moment to realise...

This was a real photo... Gosh darn it... Plastic Christians, what next?

[TexasBushwhacker]

20. How about pink haired Christians

[uriel1972]

21. be afraid... very afraid... nt

[Kaleva]

22. What can we learn from Jesus wiping the butts of the 5,000?

Matthew 14:16-21 New International Version (NIV)

16 Jesus replied, “They do not need to go away. You give them something to wipe with after they poop.”

17 “We have here only one six rolls of tissue,” they answered.

18 “Bring them here to me,” he said. 19 And he directed the people to pull down their pants and squat. Taking the six rolls of tissue and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the rolls of tissue. Then he gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. 20 They all emptied their bowels, wiped and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve rolls of tissue that were left over. 21 The number of those who pooped and wiped was about five thousand men, besides women and children.