as a rule, how important is it that spouses back up their significant others???

[a kennedy]

Just had a discussion with mine and I told him that he has never “backed me up” for 40 years.......has left me out to dry on numerous occasions........he looked at me like really??? And says yeah, one time you were wrong and the other guy was right. I just laughed and said 40 years of you not backing me up is pretty sad.........conversation ended. I’m still pissed he doesn’t back me up. It’s important isn’t it??

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

1. What do you mean by "backing up"?

[a kennedy]

3. Mostly sports discussions he's not into sports, it's a huge part of my life and if we're in talks

with others he’ll mostly take the others point of view and not mine.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

5. I'm guessing that he's just passive-aggressively indicating his disinterest in sports.

If I thought sports were kind of stupid (and I do), I'd probably disagree just for the sake of disagreeing.

[a kennedy]

8. *nodding*

I hear ya......but it’s really starting to annoy me, 40 years of it and I’ve almost had enough. Just asking.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

9. Then let him know!

[Crutchez_CuiBono]

32. Right on.

Lighting candles...not blowing them out.
And now you're both 'shining'..Nice!

[PaulX2]

2. Always Backed Up My Wife

100% of the time.

Once I think about it.

Lots of dumbasses around.

It helps that she has a heart of gold.

[a kennedy]

4. Awwwwww, that's so sweet of you.

[unblock]

6. In front of mini-unblock, I back her up. United front and all.

If I disagree we'll discuss later.

But at a party, if I have something to say, I'm saying it.

[msongs]

7. "never"? well you went for it for 40 years for some reason nt

[LuckyCharms]

10. Pretty important.

I think even when your significant other or even a friend is in a dispute, they should be backed up. How much and exactly how they are backed up would depend on how right or wrong they actually are concerning the situation.

If they are dead wrong, you can back them up by at least de-escalating the situation and getting them away from it. You may not be agreeing with them here, but in a sense you are backing them up.

Two reasons:

1) It's the right thing to do. It's what friends/significant others/spouses do for each other.

2) If you don't back them up, they will put you in a hurt locker.

[a kennedy]

12. Thank you for this.....

I feel that way as well.....and it’s only been the last few years, that I’m starting to think hmmmmm, I’m kinda hanging out here on a limb BY MYSELF and I don’t like it.

[Ohiogal]

27. Agree, Lucky

[Kajun Gal]

11. Well now, with sports, I think spouses can have differing views and still be happy.

[a kennedy]

15. Yeah, sports lots of times......but it's starting to pile up with non sports stuff too.....

and i’m taking notes....never used to bother me, now lotsa stuff is starting to bother me. 38 years of marriage.

[mnhtnbb]

36. Lotsa stuff started piling up for me at 32 years of marriage

and I finally walked out 9 months ago.

I did a slow burn every time I heard "You might be right". Never, ever, could he say I was right. It was always MIGHT be right. And his refusal to acknowledge that I was right about some things often led him to ignore my advice and the bad result that I was concerned about would occur. Never his fault, either, when it did happen because he rejected my advice and went ahead and did something I had counseled him not to do. And I'm not talking about little things, I'm talking about decisions and actions that had life altering consequences.

The rejection, the disrespect, the verbal abuse, and the bullying finally reached a threshold where I couldn't do it anymore. Apparently, it has become a bit of a phenomenon as the divorce rate among people over 50 has grown a lot. It's even called "grey divorce". Only one of us is grey, though, and it's not me!

It was never about sports, though, for us.

[a kennedy]

37. I'm so sorry.......and I know it's never his fault.........

I hope you’re happier now, and thank you.

[mnhtnbb]

40. Yes, I am.

And thank you.

You don't get to 32 years--or 40--when it's all bad, though, which is what makes it such a tough decision to stay and put up with things that you know demean you because there are also things that are good for you and allow you to grow and enjoy life. It's a balance.

[onecaliberal]

13. It is very important. I'm sorry you don't feel supported.

[a kennedy]

16. I know it is......and thanks.

[onecaliberal]

34. :

[Delmette2.0]

14. If he really doesn't have an opinion on a subject

the least he could do is say"She really knows what she is talking about, me I can't offer an opinion."

[a kennedy]

17. ha ha ha, he would NEVER say I know what I'm talking about......he just said

last night “oh she knows a little about a lot of sports.” I didn’t care for that comment, kinda pissed me off actually.

[Delmette2.0]

33. Oh, I'm truly sorry to hear that.

My ex was like that, but about other things. I wish I had some good advice for you.

[Ptah]

18. 40 years?

[a kennedy]

19. Ya, 38 married, 2 going together before marriage......

[kwassa]

20. Does he back you up in other things?

Or does he generally not support you in public? If he never takes your side, it is a serious problem.

[a kennedy]

21. Nope, never has.....and I know it's serious.

Just mulling over what to really do about it. He does lots of other things, but support??? Not so much. Never really bothered me before, now it’s starting to bug me.

[kwassa]

23. I've been where you are.

To me, it is a relationship killer.

[a kennedy]

25. I know.......

embarrassed to even be writing this stuff. I know it’s not good.

[kwassa]

26. You deserve better.

We all do.

[a kennedy]

29. Thank you......

[handmade34]

22. very important...

my partner has my back always! and I do my best to support him...

hope things get better for you

[a kennedy]

24. Thanks.......hate even discussing private stuff here.

[Ohiogal]

28. It's okay!

We all need support at one time or another!

Don't be ashamed.

[a kennedy]

30. and really thanks

[AJT]

31. It would be especially painful if you have always backed him up.

[OnDoutside]

35. 40 years is pretty good going !

I completely understand though. My wife has a poisonous niece, who I will have nothing to do with until she apologizes for her last insulting outburst...life is too short to be dealing with her tantrums. Anyway, she was going to be in the same place where we have our beach place with her family and I was going to go, but ignore her, for the sake of my wife. Then out of nowhere my wife asked for me not to cause a scene if we met. I have never asked her to choose, so that request floored me. She knows what her niece did, yet I was the one asked to moderate my behaviour !

I have always backed her up, without asking for the same, but naturally assumed it would be there, so that moment hit me like a truck. I had to have it out with her and she apologized, and said she was only thinking about herself. We've cleared the air and I don't think that situation will reoccur, but it is vital to talk and not let it build up. It's obviously eating at you.

In public one of us might stay quiet with something we disagreed with, but in private we would talk it through. Maybe that's where you need to get to with your husband ?

[a kennedy]

38. Yeah, I try to mention stuff when we're alone, but he doesn't think it's a big deal......

I guess it’s just getting to me now, because I’m just sick of it happening. Thanks for your advise.

[OnDoutside]

39. You probably need to make your feelings known a good bit stronger !

Sometimes we need to have it REALLY spelled out Best of luck !