Dad decided to stop cancer treatments

[mvd]

He just can't take the side effects from any of them. He may have a year left to live. Plenty of people have beaten the odds and lived longer, but I am so depressed.

Making things worse are severe financial problems and my own colonoscopy coming up on Nov 2 because of symptoms I have.

Going out of my mind with depression and anxiety and don't feel good either. Awful when I see no hope.

[Kali]

1. oh man, that sounds rough for you. I am sorry.

it is good that your father feels in control somewhat though, do you think? do you have any support around you? friends or neighbors you can just relax for a little while? it is surely a dark time in our country but there is hope, things have been much worse, and it always cycles back eventually. we can make things better by living our values and setting a better example. hang in there.

[mvd]

3. No, not really

I have some relatives that helped financially and that I know, but they do not live close. My doctor hasn't done much for my depression because I didn't take the anti-depressant. I will be looking into support groups because things are really bad in my family. Hard to take for anyone. Thanks for your post!

My dad actually does feel a little better since stopping chemo. But how long that lasts, I do not know.

I can hardly get myself out of bed to face the day anymore.

[Kali]

6. you are understandably depressed

still, there are things you can try. small little one step things. maybe just giving yourself 10 minutes to go for a walk or just sit outside in the fresh air every day. antidepressants can be lifesavers but sometimes they don't work, take a long time to help or people have to try several kinds and dosages to find what works and all that medical BS can just make things seem worse. good for trying to work with your doctor, keep on him/her if you can and maybe you will find something that helps.

while it isn't a cure for anything deep, light exercize - especially out in nature - can do a lot for mood and physical health. not marathons or mountain climbing, just a walk or short bike ride if you are able, even going to a park and swinging on the swings for a few minutes.

of course there is almost always someone here in the Lounge. keep in contact, it helps.

[zanana1]

24. Why didn't you take the antidepressants? nt

[mvd]

25. Afraid to based on the stories I have heard

I am really considering them now, however. This depression has even decreased my appetite a lot.

[zanana1]

30. If not for antidepressants..

I'd be in the ground.

[mvd]

31. Wow - I am so glad they worked for you

My doctor won't go beyond Ativan and Lexapro. And the Ativan helps little with energy and the bad sleep I always get. I hate being sleepy and tired all the time! I may be forced to try the Lexapro. They say benzos like Ativan can make depression worse.

[janterry]

2. I'm so sorry!

Please, get some support. Has your father gotten a referral to hospice from his MD? They'll help your father and that will help you. Plus, you need lots of love and support in your life.

Who do you have around you? Church, groups, friends, family? Take a deep breath and write down all of your support systems. Then figure out who ELSE you can call for help and support. There are LOTS of people out there going through much of what you are going through (really!). You need to get in touch with others.

Take a deep breath. Others will walk this path with you!

[mvd]

5. There must be churches and groups around

No friends really or relatives that live nearby. Thanks for the support as I need it badly! It's like everything has been designed to go wrong for me.

[peacebuzzard]

4. So sad, so many terrifying issues at once

hope your days gets lighter soon, and some angels pitch in for you.

[JHan]

7. sorry to hear mvd.

Anxiety over scans and tests are a pain I know too well. On top of what your dad is going through.

Please try and take care of you. There's little you can control at this point (easier said than done I know). It's rough but managing the stress is critical.

Keeping you in my thoughts.

[mopinko]

8. get your dad signed up for hospice care.

hospice takes care of families, too. they should have social workers and therapist for him and for you.

sorry that you are going through this, and sorry about your pops. do you think he is getting the best treatment? there are so many new treatments out there, maybe there is something that he could tolerate better.

hope your scope goes well. i hate those damn things, as does anyone in their right mind. but hopefully if anything is happening, it is caught in time.

[mvd]

9. Thanks mopinko!

He has a home hospice team that will be coming. He doesn't need to go out of the house yet.

All that are left for dad are possible trials that are hard to get. He may be too weak to take anything. I still am looking into natural treatments.

Thanks for the support! Hopefully my bowel symptoms are just benign. I never seem to get a good sound sleep. I have such low energy and am sleepy so often.

[mopinko]

13. well, that doesnt help. sleep is all.

i am almost non-functional if i dont sleep.
if you dont want to take anything like ambien, which i love, there are other things. i take a couple benadryl when i have trouble getting to sleep, which sleep docs often start with. melatonin helps, too.
white noise machine?
try to take care of yourself. sleep is too important to let go of.

good luck dear.

[mvd]

14. Usually I fall asleep, but I wake up too early and can't get back to sleep

And I have to go the bathroom when I finally get myself up. So strange. Melatonin hasn't helped so far. The sleep I get must not be restful. I use a sound machine. Thanks again

[csziggy]

21. You may need a CPAP machine

I've had insomnia all my life but last year while getting heart problems diagnosed my cardiologist sent me for sleep tests. I've been using a CPAP for right about a year and my sleep is much better. I still get up during the night but my sleep is deeper and I feel more rested, even though I gave up coffee a short time after starting with the CPAP.

[mvd]

22. I do have severe Apnea and use one

It always worked up until lately. My machine has AHI readings and they are fine.

[csziggy]

23. Good - I hope you can find something that helps

Do check with the hospice organization. When my father was dying they offered us not just individual counseling but family counseling. While their counseling did not help keep our family together, we appreciated their efforts.

[Phoenix61]

10. I am so sorry

I'll skip all the details but hospice had a counselor who came to my house when I was caring for my mom. It really helped to have someone I could talk to who got it. Maybe you could reach out to them? I understand not wanting to take meds but, sometimes, they can help get us through those really, really rough patches. Three months of Elavil did wonders for me.

[barbtries]

11. i'm so sorry you have to weather so much trauma right now.

these are the days that show you your own mettle.

[samir.g]

12. Condolences

[hunter]

15. It's very likely my own kids will suffer the same.

There is no way in hell I will die of cancer as my grandmothers did.

One day I will swim out into the cold dark and become mystery.

Enjoy now

Everyone dies. Celebrate today. It's all eternal.

[mvd]

16. Good advice

I am trying. Deep, chronic depression is so hard. I have had it for months and things have gotten worse and worse.

[hunter]

18. Depression sucks.

It killed one of my grandfathers and has landed me 72 hours in locked psych wards.

My current meds and therapy are nowhere near perfect, but work well enough.

I'm terrible at reaching out for help, and very well practiced at feigning some sort of sanity, especially at my very worst.

Flawed as that is, it's me.

[ADX]

27. "One day I will swim out into the cold dark and become mystery..."

...Beautifully said.

[Liberty Belle]

17. It sounds like you need to reach out and make some friends. You will need them.

Ask your doctor if there is a support group for family members of cancer patients.

But find some more uplifting places too to meet new people. Volunteer for a nonprofit organization. Take a class at a community college. Join a book club, or a hiking club or bowling club, whatever you might enjoy. Check your local library and community center for group activities. There may even be some that are free. You could join a local Democratic club or progressive group, too. If you try you will find new friends, and begin to prepare in case your father doesn't win his battle with cancer. Even having something to look forward to one day or one evening a week can help.

[LuckyCharms]

19. I'm very sorry...too much on your plate right now.

I have a close personal relationship with major depression, so I understand how you probably feel right now.

It is probably difficult for you to take care of yourself properly at this time. but every seemingly small thing you can do is a victory. You are in a strange state of being right now, but you must congratulate yourself for anything that you do to take care of yourself, no matter how insignificant it may seem.

Also, don't beat yourself up for how you are feeling. If you have feelings of guilt, understand that it is your mind playing tricks on you. It's not real. When I was at my worst, I used to tell myself that it was just my mind trying to kill me. In some bizarre way, that helped.

I'm trying to tell you that it is hard to see anything good about your life when you are depressed, but please trust me here...even though you cannot see it now, that does not mean that the good isn't there. There is plenty of good, and it FAR outweighs the bad. Ride it out, curl up into a ball and roll with it...do whatever you can to get through it. Don't think about getting through the next week...just get through the next 30 seconds, and then the next 30 seconds.

Get professional help if you can, and get on meds if recommended. The meds do not change you, but rather, they make you feel like you felt before you became depressed.

Getting your colonoscopy is a GOOD thing. It may provide a diagnosis, and when you have that, you can determine your options. Until then, do not let it stress you at all.

You're going to be ok. You will make it...you will do more than make it. You will be a stronger, yet kinder person when you come through the fog.

Your dad may live a year, he may live longer, he may live much longer. There is no way of knowing. Spend some time with him if/when you are able.

Doing the best that you can, with what you have, and how you feel, is my definition of total success. You don't have to set the world on fire. Do the best you can, with what you have, and how you feel.

[mvd]

20. Beautiful post! Thank you very much

I am trying to just be functional right now. I use Ativan for my anxiety but it makes me tired and sleepy. It's a high price for being more relaxed. Will definitely keep your post in mind. My doctor said the same thing - to not worry about having anything right now.

[lunamagica]

26. ...

[Rizen]

28. I'm sorry.

My mom has metastatic breast cancer so I know how that is.

[Demovictory9]

29. there is always hope. Take things a day at a time.