If the bride and groom fail to send thank you cards...

[NurseJackie]

If the newlyweds fail to send thank you cards, should I say anything to them (or her mother, my friend)?

It's been five months now... so not sure what good it would do. At this late date, a perfunctory "thank you" is almost as bad as no acknowledgement at all.

Or is that the way it's done these days? Have texts replaced thank you notes? (And even then, I didn't get a "thank you text" message... so who knows?)

[FSogol]

1. I've never received a thank you note for a wedding gift.

I've probably been to 20+ weddings over the years where I gave a gift.

Being polite is a lost art.

Edit to add: or graduation gift.

[NurseJackie]

5. I hear ya!

Being polite is a lost art.

I hear ya! At this rate, my gift-giving is about to become a lost-art too. Weddings, graduations, christenings, bar/t mitzvas, showers... if someone takes the time to send you a gift (or write a check) how much effort does it take to say "thank you"?

I've never received a thank you note for a wedding gift.

In the past, I've received many thank you notes or letters... but just recently (a wedding and graduation) politeness and courtesy have disappeared.

[at140]

54. You should receive a phone call, not just a cold thank you note!

So yes, people are getting more dis-connected as time goes by.
Conversation is becoming a lost art due to texting and FB.
I see 3 or 4 young people at a table in restaurants, and all are on their phone
probably texting or browsing! So sad.

[elleng]

2. No

[jberryhill]

3. I'd suggest one of two things....

1. Head over at night with a screwdriver and scratch "INGRATES" in the paint on the sides of their cars, OR

2. Let it go and consider a "gift" to be something that is freely bestowed upon someone out of the goodness of one's own heart without any monetary or other obligation foisted upon the recipient thereof by the act of giving it to them.

I'm fine with either one.

[NurseJackie]

6. LOL!

Too many letters... I might get caught. Four letters max... or just a long scratch.

[jberryhill]

9. A cinderblock through the windshield is also fine

Although normally used to mark the end of a romantic relationship terminated by the other partner, the cinderblock-through-the-windshield is fine for any social occasion in which automotive vandalism of some kind is called for.

[Rorey]

16. Just make there are no cameras.

It would suck to have to buy them a new windshield, and you probably wouldn't get a thank you note for that either.

[Rorey]

13. I almost spit my coffee out over that first one.

I also could vote for either option.

[MLAA]

58. Lol

[redstatebluegirl]

4. They were not raised correctly.

I have had numerous former students who did not acknowledge a gift sent from a long distance. I think that is basic courtesy to make sure it arrived. They are just rude.

[NurseJackie]

7. You watch... now that I've complained, I'll probably get a thank you note tomorrow.

[ailsagirl]

63. Hear, hear

[Rorey]

8. I don't think you should say anything to your friend, the mother.

I just seethe silently.

Seriously, ettiquette seems to be non-existent these days. If there's another gift-giving occasion with this couple, you might consider giving them a box of nice thank you notes and some stamps.....as their entire gift. And address the top envelope to yourself.

[jberryhill]

15. The first anniversary IS paper, after all

[Rorey]

21. Good point. nt

[NurseJackie]

17. Oh you... you are BRILLIANT!! That's a FANTASTIC idea!!

I love it! It covers every base AND it sends a message too.

[madaboutharry]

10. This is just awful.

People have no sense of grace anymore. When someone says thank you or sends a note, I am actually surprised. Most of the time there is silence.

[dewsgirl]

56. My 15 yr old brought a friend home. He walked over to me, shook my hand looked me in the

eye and introduced himself. I almost fell over.

[madaboutharry]

57. Wow, I would have fallen over myself.

So nice to hear your story.

[dewsgirl]

64. It's a shame it crossed my mind, what is he doing? Before

he smiled and grabbed my hand. Usually their faces are buried in their phones.
It was very nice. It happened just yesterday, he came over after school again today and said "nice to see you again".
It was wonderful and unexpected.

[jberryhill]

11. I am informed they have a year

[Kitchari]

25. I heard the same thing

And by that time, I will of course forget when the wedding even took place

[MyOwnPeace]

26. "I am informed they have a year"

said the ones that failed to get out the proper thanks in a timely manner......................

[TeapotInATempest]

32. Well, apparently that is what Emily Post deemed correct.

[MyOwnPeace]

33. Really?

OMG!

I'd always heard 1-2 months at most. And for the "queen of etiquette" to say a year? Wow, but that's WAY too long, even from Emily!
Mind you - that's just my own opinion (and hey, what do I know?).

[sinkingfeeling]

41. Not according to this:

http://emilypost.com/advice/wedding-thank-yous/

When should notes be written?

Contrary to popular myth, the happy couple does not have a year’s grace period in which to write their notes.  All thank-you notes should be written within three months of the receipt of the gift. Ideally, a response should be written on the day you receive a wedding gift. If that’s not possible, set a daily goal. It’s a lot easier to write three or four notes a day than to have to write a hundred notes in a month after the wedding!

[NurseJackie]

45. Thanks for the link!

It's good to know that my expectations aren't unreasonable... even if common courtesy has been largely abandoned by many Millennials and others.

[Ohiogal]

12. I once received a thank you note for a wedding gift

One whole year after the couple were married.

[janterry]

14. It's not done anymore

by many. But I still get them from some friends. It depends on the type of ceremony and how formal/informal it is - and how it was planned.

Personally, I think it's rude and if given the right opportunity - I might say in passing - I wasn't sure if the gift arrived safely - I hadn't heard anything since the wedding .......

but that's just me

[NurseJackie]

18. That's a good idea! I like that!

[Rorey]

19. When another occasion arrises....

Then you could forego giving a gift, but still ask the clod(s), "Did my gift arrive safely?" When they say, "No, it didn't", just smile.

[NurseJackie]

27. That's something to consider. Or perhaps an accidentally UNSIGNED check.

I'll bet I hear from them then!!!

[ADX]

20. Send them a "You're Welcome" card...

...for the "Thank You" card they never sent...

[Rorey]

22. That *might* get the point across.

We should contact Hallmark with that concept.

[OregonBlue]

23. I think all gifts should now come with a self

addressed and stamped "Thank you" card with envelope and a desciption of the gift and where it can be returned. Seems that would make it easy for the current generation.

[NurseJackie]

28. I blame youth soccer... and today's "everyone gets a trophy" philosophy.

[crazycatlady]

62. who gave out those trophies?

As a kid who received my fair share of those things, I never asked for or wanted one. Most of my classmates were over them.

I've seen a whole shelf of them at a thrift store.

[Rorey]

29. I've actually heard of people including an address label.

The recent gifts I have sent were to people who were suffering from a health crises, and in those cases I didn't even expect thank you notes (but I got them!). I want them to concentrate on getting well. I don't really expect them when I send a remembrance for a funeral or death either, but usually get them. It seems like it's the happy occasions where people can't be bothered to acknowledge gifts.

[NurseJackie]

35. A classmate of mine died recently, and her daughter sent hand-written thank you notes...

A classmate of mine died recently, and her daughter sent hand-written thank you notes... presumably to everyone. I was very pleased that she made the effort and did not use the pre-printed lightweight "free" thank-you notecards that funeral homes typically provide.

I can't remember exact words, but in her note, she took time to mention the types and colors of the flowers and noting that they were my friend's favorites.

It does require a bit of effort and setting aside some time... but it's not hard if one just makes a commitment to it.

[OregonBlue]

37. Kids, I don't know what's wrong with these kids today. LOL.

Never thought I'd become my mom.

[NurseJackie]

42. I know! Tell me about it!

I look in the mirror, and there she is!

[OregonBlue]

50. I look like her, I sound like her and omg I guess I'm starting

to think like her. At least she was a Yellow Dog Dem from cradle to grave.

[janterry]

24. They all send thank you cards following a job interview

so, there's no good reason why they can't acknowledge a gift......


(sorry, just had another point about this!)

[LisaM]

31. That's an excellent point.

I've gotten some very odd thank yous after interviewing candidates (only one by hand, which impressed everyone!), but it's clearly de rigueur to send them and people are able to do so, so you're absolutely right. (I mean, seriously, sometimes they're so bad that it probably hinders their chances if writing is part of the job, but on the other hand, it shows engagement).

[LisaM]

30. It's happened at two of the last three weddings I went to.

One was a family wedding (and we sent a joint present of money); never heard a word. On top of that, we'd travelled from Michigan and Washington state to Panama City, Florida for this wedding. Just an acknowledgement by email would have been fine.

The other was a pretty good friend of mine (younger than I am) and she'd requested REI gift cards. So I walked over to REI on my lunch hour, got the gift card (it was only $50, but still), got a nice card, and took it to the reception and put it on a table they had for presents and envelopes. Never heard a peep. I still don't really know whether she actually got it or not! It got to the point where it became too awkward to ask - if she didn't, I couldn't do anything about it, and if she did, it would point out that she hadn't thanked me.

I personally think an in-person or email response is just fine - like, "thanks for the REI card! We bought a camping pad" (or whatever) would have been great. I don't require a formal thank you.

Of course, given what some people put on their registries these days, maybe they don't even know who gave what. "We don't want things! We want experiences!" and then you're supposed to contribute to some fund or another, so maybe they can't even sort out who donated what.

[MyOwnPeace]

34. Michigan & Washington - to Florida

And NOTHING!?

You are being FAR more civil/forgiving than I would have been. I really think that is outrageous!
Yes, a phone call, a text, an e-mail response - but, for all that is holy - SOMETHING!!!!!

Tell you what - next time I have some kind of event, bring a present and I'll be sure to let you know that I truly appreciated it!

(You have the patience/understanding of a saint.............)

[LisaM]

38. LOL - yes, it was quite a distance to travel.

Washington state to Pensacola, then a two-hour drive to Panama City (obviously the flight the people coming from Michigan took was shorter, but still). Well, it is what it is. I like the people involved.

Of course, what I most remember from that trip was that my sister and I were shopping the day I was going to leave, and a clerk in the store came up to us and said, in a kind of offhand way, "have you seen the news today?" That didn't sound good - we said no - and of course it was the day of the Boston Marathon bombing and, bad as it turned out to be, she described it as about 100 times worse than it was ("arms and legs flying everywhere! Lots of people are dead!" ) and I had to grab a clothes rack to keep from falling down because I started shaking really badly. (And then I had to fly out that day, too, and the airport was pretty subdued). Compared to what happened to the people in Boston, it's not really that much to complain about.

[NurseJackie]

36. Amazing.

[Phentex]

39. One year was about the longest I waited...

and that was several years ago. No one sends thank yous these days it seems. Not even virtual ones. I really think it's a lost art.

[NurseJackie]

40. Excellent way to describe it... "a lost art".

[Major Nikon]

43. When their first kid hits 3, buy them a toy drum

[NurseJackie]

44. Love it! That made me laugh!

[benld74]

46. Nephew and wife did FAILED EXACTLY in this manner

They NEVER set Thank You cards

Nephews mother was mortified. Wedding and reception was a good 5 hours drive away, so not many attended, but gifts received via cars etc MUST have been sent.

Growing up HE always wrote cards for everything.
This pinpoints his wife as the cause.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

47. Call and ask if they got it. It's possible that it was accidentally overlooked.

I recall spending hours sitting at the dining room table after my wedding writing thank-you notes. But some months later my mother asked me whether I got a gift from a certain person, who had asked her about it. We did get the gift but I hadn't responded because the tag or card had apparently been separated or lost, and I was writing the thank-you notes based on the gift tags, not the gifts themselves. I was embarrassed, of course, but it was an innocent mistake, and that could be a possibility in your case as well.

[NurseJackie]

48. Excellent points to consider. In my case, the check was endorsed and deposited...

... so I know it was received and not overlooked.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

49. Well, that's much different. I guess they're just thoughtless.

[Eliot Rosewater]

51. I just had this happen.

They gave me a website to donate money from where they would pick what to buy.

I finally asked them if they got it and they said they did but they hadnt even gone to the site yet to do anything with it.

I want my money back if they are gonna leave it at the site. I like these people, but sheesh.

[MaryMagdaline]

52. I wouldn't mention it to the parents at all

It will only cause them pain. The best parents in the world can have total dolts for children.

The way I would get revenge is not acknowledging their children. RSVP no for baby showers and don’t send gift.

[NurseJackie]

53. Yep... at this point, that's a given.

RSVP no for baby showers and don’t send gift.

Yep... at this point, that's a given. Sad.

[SWBTATTReg]

55. Rec'd no thank you card either from a ...

niece's wedding for their wedding gift from us. My sister couldn't believe it and was mortified. She said oh they sent it, blah blah blah. Never did. On top of that, within one year, of all ironies...Niece is already divorced and marrying again, and we received a wedding notice again! How brazen.

This time around, we ignored. As a matter of fact, we pretty well ignore all wedding/misc. notices from them/that part of the family (my sister's side) since it seems the only reason they contact us is for some event and get gifts, get loans (never repaid), etc. In effect, take advantage of us. We're over that. We're both getting too old to put the energy back into a so called relationship if they aren't doing so either.

All about ME ME ME.

If you ever watched choosy beggars on You Tube or reddit, you'll see lots more of this type of mentality and thinking, this sickening sense of entitlement they all seem to have. Don't get me wrong, there's been some occasions where we went to an event, and the thanks we rec'd were almost too much (it truly surprised us). It was a nice feeling that they took the time out to do so (giving thanks), and that time around it made the whole thing enjoyable for ALL of us, not just groom and bride...especially when you travel so far to these events.

[Bayard]

59. Ask the mom if the daughter liked the gift.

That at least opens a dialog.

[LAS14]

60. Thank you cards are a thing of the past. Even more unfortunately...

... so are responses to RSVP requests. Very problematic when each plate at the table costs $80.

[enid602]

61. Ivanka

I think you’re more likely to see Ivanka TRump swim in snot.

[Beringia]

65. I had that happen

It seems like they just feel entitled to get presents. I was brought up to send thank you letters. I also spent a great deal of time and attention on a nephew and he won't give me the time of day now. You would think being there when they were a child would have an affect on them.

[Xolodno]

66. We never gave out "Thank You" cards either for our Wedding...20+ years ago.

And in all our years of marriage....think we got one or two...and thought "well, that was a waste of money".

We were of course, so poor, that Ramen and Pasta was a main staple for awhile. I wouldn't begrudge any newlywed just starting out foregoing a custom that was designed for people with a bit more money.

[LuckyCharms]

67. I solved that problem by never giving gifts.

[Laffy Kat]

68. Years ago I started a practice where I would tell the person I was giving a gift to:

As part of my gift, you do not need to send me a thank you. That way I am pleasantly surprised when I get one and not disappointed when I don't. That said, I always send thank yous and I always insist my kids do, even though they are now adults, I really get p.o.ed if they don't send thank yous (not to me but others) and I will ASK them about it. Yes, it's helicopter parenting, but it reflects on me if they don't.

[NurseJackie]

69. "but it reflects on me if they don't." --- That is an excellent point.

"but it reflects on me if they don't."

That is an excellent point. We are in 100% agreement there.