The DU Lounge
Related: Culture Forums, Support ForumsPost the punch line of a joke and see if anyone knows what joke it's from without using Google
I'll start things off with this one:
"Whatever you do, don't sell that cow!"
50 Shades Of Blue
(9,777 posts)blockhead
(1,081 posts)50 Shades Of Blue
(9,777 posts)TheCowsCameHome
(40,163 posts)Harker
(13,880 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Yodel-lay-he"
"Yodel-lay-he who?"
"I didn't know you could yodel"
Harker
(13,880 posts)is the version that I heard about 55 years ago. Heh.
applegrove
(118,022 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)tblue37
(64,982 posts)OilemFirchen
(7,143 posts)Croney
(4,646 posts)Response to red dog 1 (Original post)
NightWatcher This message was self-deleted by its author.
Brother Buzz
(36,216 posts)nolabear
(41,915 posts)Brother Buzz
(36,216 posts)mopinko
(69,806 posts)El Supremo
(20,365 posts)mopinko
(69,806 posts)forever.
unblock
(51,974 posts)nolabear
(41,915 posts)pnwest
(3,265 posts)PJMcK
(21,921 posts)MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)unblock
(51,974 posts)OilemFirchen
(7,143 posts)Didn't I tell you we don't serve string?
jayfish
(10,035 posts)TomSlick
(11,035 posts)Lucky jack to his doctor friend upon seeing weevils in the hard tack. Lucky Jack asked the doctor to choose between the two. The doctor chose the slightly larger one.
Upon delivery of the punch line by Lucky Jack, the doctor said "He that would tell a pun would pick a pocket."
jayfish
(10,035 posts)Love that movie.
jayfish
(10,035 posts)Harker
(13,880 posts)to the air pump?
jayfish
(10,035 posts)That was a pretty logical answer though. Did you come up with it yourself?
Hint: It's from an 80's comedy.
Harker
(13,880 posts)Yep, it came naturally.
Back to the drawing board.
jmowreader
(50,453 posts)I know it was the Newly Deceased office scene in Beetlejuice...one of the clerks was there because hed been run over by a truck and squashed flat. He asked the Maitlands if he looked okay. She said he did, and got back Jayfishs line.
jayfish
(10,035 posts)First Speaker
(4,858 posts)JimGinPA
(14,811 posts)Doc_Technical
(3,504 posts)Doc_Technical
(3,504 posts)As they walked around the barn, they saw two cows mating.
The guy started raising his eyebrows and was grinning and he said,
"Boy. I'd sure would like to be doing that!"
And the woman replied,
underpants
(182,279 posts)Doc_Technical
(3,504 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)Marthe48
(16,692 posts)when I was a teenager
red dog 1
(27,648 posts)The scene was where he and Will Smith are at a restaurant together and Tommy Lee is filmed while apparently telling the end of the joke.
(Will Smith didn't laugh).
My guess is that it's an old joke.
Do you remember the entire joke?
Marthe48
(16,692 posts)My Mom's version, kinda dusty: A man had just bought a goose and brought it with him to the theater. The usher said he couldn't bring the duck in, so the guy hid the duck under his coat and got in. The theater was dark and crowded. As he sat down next to two old ladies, the movie was coming on. The man loosened his coat so the goose could breathe. When the movie was over, he hurried out. The ladies were walking to their car and one of them said, "Harriett, have you ever seen a man's private parts?" And Harriett said, "Why yes, Mary, I have. Why?" "The man beside me loosened his clothes and it came out." "Oh my, Harriett! But surely you've seen a man's private parts. Why are you so upset?" "Because this one was eating my popcorn!"
AN updated version: A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck. The ticket agent looks at the man and then at the duck, which is on a leash. The ticket agent states that the duck is not permitted in the theatre. The man explains that the duck is his service pet. However, because he didnt have his service pet certification on him, the duck wasnt allowed in.
The man then goes to the side of the theatre and stuffs the duck down the front of his pants. With no duck to be seen, the ticket agent allows the man in. The theatre was packed and the man ends up sitting next to two old ladies.
About twenty minutes into the movie the duck was getting uncomfortable and hot so the man unzips his pants to let the duck breath. The duck sticks out his head and starts looking around. One old lady nudges the other lady and exclaims, Hey, this guy next to me just unzipped his pants. The lady furthest away says, Once youve seen one, youve seen them all. The other lady replies, Yes, thats what I thought, but this ones eating my popcorn.
red dog 1
(27,648 posts):
jmowreader
(50,453 posts)Another name for a rooster is a cock, which leads us to the joke...
Farmer Brown had a prize rooster. One day he decided to take it to the movies, so he stuck it in his pants and headed to town. He sat down and unzipped his pants to let the rooster breathe.
A few minutes later Gladys and Agnes sit down next to Farmer Brown.
A few minutes after that, Gladys gave a scream.
Gladys, whats wrong?
Farmer Browns cock is sticking out of his pants.
Come now, Gladys. Youve seen a cock before. Just ignore it.
I cant. This one is eating my popcorn.
underpants
(182,279 posts)Thank you , let me start there.
Anything with a D P or T makes is funnier. Ducks are funny because it's an imaginary world of something everyone is familiar with.
underpants
(182,279 posts)TomSlick
(11,035 posts)OilemFirchen
(7,143 posts)62.
28.
TomSlick
(11,035 posts)Marthe48
(16,692 posts)when we were dating-almost 50 years ago. Still one of my favorites
TomSlick
(11,035 posts)Fortunately for both of us, our sweethearts laughed at our jokes. More fortunately for both of us, our sweethearts from fifty years ago stayed with us.
Thank you for reminding me how lucky I am.
Marthe48
(16,692 posts)My husband passed about 2 1/3 yrs. ago. Every morning when we woke up, he would say something funny, just to make me laugh. I still come across things he wrote and I smile.
I personally think humor is one of the top characteristics I look for in people. Cheers!
TomSlick
(11,035 posts)Your husband was a lucky man. To spend his life with a someone who loved him enough to laugh at his jokes was a great blessing.
Heaven was a step down for him.
Marthe48
(16,692 posts)We loved egging each other on. I am getting back to making jokes again. After a bad one, my son-in-law will say things like "ladies and Gentlemen! She'll be here all week! Be sure to tip your waiters!" Makes me laugh.
LompocDem
(143 posts)toilet paper. It John Wayne toilet paper. It rough, it tough and take no shit from Indian!
benld74
(9,889 posts)PoindexterOglethorpe
(25,750 posts)But can I say who the guy standing next to Dave is?
The Pope.
benld74
(9,889 posts)tonekat
(1,805 posts)emmaverybo
(8,144 posts)catrose
(5,048 posts)And the recipient wants a singing telegram, has always wanted one. After some arguing (because the deliverer doesn't think it's appropriate), he sings: <your post>.
emmaverybo
(8,144 posts)bell keeps ringing. Hes screaming Im coming #$&%, and slipping, falling, breaking things and self, towel ripping to get to door.
(Take 5 minutes to tell, acting out the pratfalls) and FINALLY.
Flings door open, little guy says I have a telegram for Mr. X, and he grabs deliverer by collar, throttling him, and shouts Ya better sing it!!
Then you do the Your mothers dead in Terrible throat squeezed sing-song.
Amazing guess.
trof
(54,255 posts)Guy says "I've NEVER had a singing telegram. PLEASE sing it to me."
"Well...OK..."Charlie your mom is dead, we know she died in bed..."
emmaverybo
(8,144 posts)caught by surprise. Not that moms passing are funny.
Response to red dog 1 (Original post)
applegrove This message was self-deleted by its author.
Captain Zero
(6,714 posts)..
red dog 1
(27,648 posts)The young bull says; "Hey, Pop, Let's run down there and fuck one of those cows!"
The old bull says: "No. Let's walk down there and fuck em' all!"
red dog 1
(27,648 posts)Marthe48
(16,692 posts)and decided to go to the barn and slip into a nice warm Jersey.
LAS14
(13,749 posts)Hope it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship!
LAS14
(13,749 posts)Turbineguy
(37,212 posts)comes from within.
backtoblue
(11,323 posts)underpants
(182,279 posts)sorcrow
(410 posts)kozar
(2,037 posts)Harker
(13,880 posts)kozar
(2,037 posts)Harker
(13,880 posts)Harker
(13,880 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)Felt good to give you one back, Red.
red dog 1
(27,648 posts)Paladin
(28,204 posts)One of my beloved Uncle Wally's very best ones.
Harker
(13,880 posts)once I cut my way out of the burlap bag."
DeeNice
(574 posts)probably NSFW
DiverDave
(4,876 posts)Bada boom
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
Ron Obvious
(6,261 posts)Straight from Jr. High, that one.
red dog 1
(27,648 posts)Last edited Fri Sep 20, 2019, 08:30 PM - Edit history (1)
(Redd Foxx joke)
SaveOurDemocracy
(4,398 posts)WhiteTara
(29,676 posts)Harker
(13,880 posts)high temperature environment?
WhiteTara
(29,676 posts)3rd room in Hell.
Harker
(13,880 posts)This recitation highlights my lack of comedic talent.
WhiteTara
(29,676 posts)It was my mother's favorite and I used it (the punchline - they didn't get it and I had to tell the whole joke) today with the guys working with me outside.
Harker
(13,880 posts)PoindexterOglethorpe
(25,750 posts)Harker
(13,880 posts)a Zen monk, but that's just me.
I squeezed in a phone booth once, but that's another story.
Harker
(13,880 posts)This is the punchline to what is generally considered to be my magnum opus.
red dog 1
(27,648 posts)Dusty and Lefty are telling "bad jokes" and Lefty told a joke about his horse.
(From memory, so might not be exactly right)
LEFTY
"My horse is very smart..He knows algebra and trigonometry, but I just can't teach him philosophy."
DUSTY
"Why not?"
LEFTY
"Well, you can't put Descartes before the horse"
Harker
(13,880 posts)Marthe48
(16,692 posts)had over 500 punchlines written down. He owned a grocery store and always had friends stop by. They'd trade jokes, along with local news and such. I was usually banned from the meet department where they hung out, but my brothers would tell me the jokes they got to hear
red dog 1
(27,648 posts)Marthe48
(16,692 posts)He wasn't politically correct, and I think a lot of them were naughty. We had a place in the country and he left it there between visits. When we were there again, mice had chewed on it. It was like losing a treasure. I'll see what a good night's sleep does and see if I can remember any.
Marthe48
(16,692 posts)One of my Dad's favorites
ailsagirl
(22,840 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)BigmanPigman
(51,432 posts)I heard it 3 more times, but it was in the same movie...they were all sick of it.
red dog 1
(27,648 posts)MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)His friend replies:
"What do you mean, you THINK she died?"
Oly replies:
"Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up!"
discntnt_irny_srcsm
(18,470 posts)discntnt_irny_srcsm
(18,470 posts)Bongo Prophet
(2,641 posts)C_U_L8R
(44,897 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)Brother Buzz
(36,216 posts)...before I painted it yellow and cut off its tail...it was an alligator.
red dog 1
(27,648 posts)trof
(54,255 posts)Harker
(13,880 posts)I think of Clouseau...
red dog 1
(27,648 posts)(The Pink Panther)
red dog 1
(27,648 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)Alpeduez21
(1,739 posts)The Velveteen Ocelot
(115,280 posts)Doc_Technical
(3,504 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)Bartender says:
"Hey, did you know you have a ship's wheel coming out of your pants?
red dog 1
(27,648 posts)(Old joke)
Bayard
(21,806 posts)trof
(54,255 posts)lpbk2713
(42,696 posts)...
red dog 1
(27,648 posts)davsand
(13,420 posts)It's obscure and one of mt favorite jokes ever.
Laura
red dog 1
(27,648 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)at the mall once a year and show each other what anniversary presents they got for their wives.
One year, they met at the mall, and the poor guy asked the rich guy:
"What did you get your wife this year?"
The rich guy replied:
"I got her a diamond necklace and Mercedes Benz"
The poor guy asked:
"Why did you get her a diamond necklace AND a Mercedes Benz?"
The rich guy replied:
"Well, if she doesn't like the necklace, she can return it in the Mercedes Benz"
Then the rich guy asked:
"What did you get your wife this year?"
The poor guy replied:
"I got her a pair of slippers and a doldo"
The rich guy asked:
"Why did you get her a [air of slippers and a dildo?"
The poor guy replied:
"Well, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!"
red dog 1
(27,648 posts)Welcome to DU!
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)I've seen the movie...it's very funny, especially Gilbert Gottfried
red dog 1
(27,648 posts)Gilbert is hilarious in that movie!
red dog 1
(27,648 posts)Major Nikon
(36,814 posts)rzemanfl
(29,540 posts)There is video of this joke being told by a chimp somewhere on the Internet. It supports the ice cream ending.
red dog 1
(27,648 posts)rzemanfl
(29,540 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)Disaffected
(4,508 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)Disaffected
(4,508 posts)Q: What is the dirtiest line ever uttered on family TV?
The show was "Leave it to Beaver".
red dog 1
(27,648 posts)Disaffected
(4,508 posts)more than once I understand it(it was a dumb ass but popular sitcom so didn't watch it much myself).
BTW, his actual nickname on the show was The Beaver which makes it even better.
red dog 1
(27,648 posts)His nickname was The Beaver...(and I did watch the show)
red dog 1
(27,648 posts)JimGinPA
(14,811 posts)One smiles and says, "Man this water is cold" and the other says, "Yeah, and deep too!"
red dog 1
(27,648 posts)I heard that joke in "Slingblade"
trof
(54,255 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)"Yeah, and it's deep too!" is definitely the line from the "Slingblade" joke
(I've seen it so many times I have it memorized)
regnaD kciN
(26,035 posts)eppur_se_muova
(36,227 posts)(It's a great joke, best told w/appropriate regional British accents -- the class consciousness is part of the joke -- but I don't remember the whole thing. )
musette_sf
(10,184 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)You must be a Sopranos fan too!
red dog 1
(27,648 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)tonekat
(1,805 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)JimGinPA
(14,811 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)JimGinPA
(14,811 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)(I posted it at the top)
JimGinPA
(14,811 posts)I heard millions of jokes & I found if I just remembered the punchlines I could work backwards & never forget them.
red dog 1
(27,648 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)Response to MatthewHatesTrump2 (Reply #150)
MatthewHatesTrump2 This message was self-deleted by its author.
JimGinPA
(14,811 posts)JimGinPA
(14,811 posts)JimGinPA
(14,811 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)lpbk2713
(42,696 posts)...
rzemanfl
(29,540 posts)argued over this punch line. She said it was, "That's just a little mayonnaise." I maintained it was, "That's just a little ice cream."
Permanut
(5,439 posts)trof
(54,255 posts)MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)Whiskeytide
(4,459 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)Last edited Fri Nov 29, 2019, 08:16 PM - Edit history (1)
Little Johnny came home crying and told his mother "a car hit my dog in the ass"
His mother replied, "You mean rectum!"
"Wrecked him,, it nearly killed him!"
(Old joke, with different versions)
The Polack MSgt
(13,159 posts)I had tennis elbow once and it hurt like hell
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)Brother Buzz
(36,216 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)(Who told that joke in the film "The Aristocrats"?)
Response to red dog 1 (Original post)
red dog 1 This message was self-deleted by its author.
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)underpants
(182,279 posts)Hint: it's a snail joke
red dog 1
(27,648 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)csziggy
(34,120 posts)Hint - this is one of the worst pun jokes of all times.
red dog 1
(27,648 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)red dog 1
(27,648 posts)LAS14
(13,749 posts)MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)Response to red dog 1 (Original post)
red dog 1 This message was self-deleted by its author.
BlueTsunami2018
(3,461 posts)😃
Response to red dog 1 (Original post)
sobenji This message was self-deleted by its author.
rzemanfl
(29,540 posts)Although the late, fondly remembered Annette Appollo (Old Leftie Lawyer, Tangerine LaBamba to DU) favored the tartar sauce version.
TlalocW
(15,359 posts)TlalocW