You wouldn't think communication would be so difficult

[MissMillie]

after nearly 6 years together.

I'll set the scene:

It is 3:15 pm. I have put together a meal for my Dad, as I do once to twice a week. I deliver it to him hot at 5:00 pm, when he eats his dinner (he's 89, and yes, 5:00 is when he eats dinner--every night.) I have made a meat pie, and it needs to be in the oven for about 1 hour. I have shown him the unbaked pie. I am not showered or dressed.

He needs to make a trip to the next town over to pick up a part for the truck. He has called ahead and the part is available. Driving time there and back is about 30 minutes. But maybe he's going to stop somewhere else for something else (he has ADD and he has been known to get side-tracked.)

So I ask:

"Will you be home by 5:00?"

His response: "I'll take you."

(In my head: "what the hell does that mean????" )

So I ask again, "so you think you'll be back by 5:00?" (He's been shown an un-baked meal and has twice heard me use the phrase "at 5:00." Five o'clock. It's the time I deliver a fully-cooked hot meal to my dad once or twice a week for many weeks now.)

In my head I'm expecting: "Yep, 1 hour and 45 minutes is plenty of time for me to run this errand." or, "I don't think so, there are a few other places I have to go."


"I SAID I'LL TAKE YOU!"


?????????????????????????????????????

I was told I need to work on my communication skills.

[SheltieLover]

1. Why not pick up truxk part after you deliver, or the next day?

Maybe I missed something, Millie, but I did not get a sense if urgency about the truck part.

Your dear dad at his age most likely looks forward to seeing you & plans meals accordingly. To disappoint him, imo, wpuld be cruel!

I think you have the patience if a sainr, personally.

[MissMillie]

2. One of many acceptable alternatives, to be sure.

But how about we first determine IF we need an alterative plan and ANSWER THE QUESTION??????

It felt to me like I was saying, "Do you want chicken or fish for dinner?" and he was answering "Football."

Where did *MY* communications skills fail us?

[Backseat Driver]

4. Your communication skills did not fail. His final answer about skills is called gaslighting!

Perhaps, if you have a valid driver's license, you need to bring up the possibility of getting a second vehicle so you are not so dependent on his benevolence or you don't infringe on his alone "guy time." Of course, if the part is to fix YOUR car...you'll need to pick your battles better, and he's betting on your priorities!

However, you could also have said you would hurry to shower and change - "I'll be ready to go in 15 minutes; we'll pick up that part and can still arrive at Dad's at 5PM for a nice visit all together. We'll get back a little later, though, so I'll have to fix the leftovers for dinner!"

You also could have come back with a "quip" about his observational skills since delivering those meals at a certain day/time has been a routine for a while -

Probably also, it's a good thing his ADD is focused on time and not on "what's in my wallet" , i.e., send off for part and he returns soon after with half dozen other grocery items (like perhaps a 3 lb bag of beef jerky for the truck and the 7th bottle of Dawn for the cleaning pantry in case YOU run out), or stopping in at the gunshop on the way back to get HIS new gun(?) he's been thinking about since last week, instead of that nice comfy recliner chair you've been planning since last year - either of which has a way of busting your family savings plan for a week or much longer.

Living on different pages due to partners with ADD (or when unsaid presupposing mindreading sounds like mistrust) isn't easy; neither is marriage, LOL!

[wishstar]

3. If only you had more Jedi mind reading ability!

Totally understand the frustration as I have these unfathomable back and forths often with my spouse who is older (and also has Southern accent and uses unique Southern phrases while I'm a Northerner.)

Often only after great effort on my part to draw him out to explain better with several more repeated questions can I figure out what he's thinking and planning to do. Otherwise we're quite compatible and together over 40 years.