The DU Lounge
Related: Culture Forums, Support ForumsHas anyone here ever gone through a mid-life crisis?
Kind of like, you are at a point in your life where you are starting to feel like you are old and that you regret not taking a different path in life (in any area - career, love, family, health, hobbies, motivation, etc.) and you are now feeling a huge amount of grief over
what you feel like you have missed out on and can never get back or "do-over"?
A parent is going through a cancer diagnosis and it is the first time in our immediate family that we have ever had to face anything serious like this and I think it just triggered something in me about mortality and realizing that life is short and you don't get any chances to change your past or what you have or haven't done with it.
Anyway, how did you cope with it, how long did it last and do you have any suggestions (books, activities, behaviors, etc.) for getting through it without being a total mess? I do see a therapist once a month and have started talking about it, but sometimes people here come up with things that I never would have thought of, so I am putting it out there hoping to hear your experiences as well.
Thanks in advance.
byronius
(7,369 posts)Seneca is also interesting. Cicero as well.
History. The New Physics. Dedication to acquiring new knowledge until your face hits the dirt.
Helping. Learning. Loving. Expanding.
Aurelius said that a man who lives three thousand years and dies loses the same thing as the man who only lives twenty: the present. The past is lost to us, he said, and only the present is precious. Our component elements will suffer nothing from death as our pattern dissolves, so why should we fear it, he asks.
I haven't had an overly normal life, so the 'middle-age-crazy' thing either didn't take or I didn't feel it. Truth is I'm where I'm supposed to be and wouldn't change a thing. Meh. I thank art and marijuana and psychotherapy. And exercise. And lately, being a vegan. It's awesome for older guys. Ask Tom Brady.
S'alls I got, sir. Pleasant morning to you.
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)I am especially looking for some philosophical/spiritual reading. For a long time, I was pretty content with my life. I don't know why this "bomb" suddenly dropped upon my head and I know there is absolutely nothing I can do about the past. It is done.
It's just the feeling of grief over it that I hope to make peace with and understand. I am chosing to look at this as an opportunity for growth and I think it could ultimately turn out to be a good thing for me. But going through it won't be easy or painless.
TxGuitar
(4,147 posts)You can't control events but you can control your reactions to them.
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)This is more like an event kind of bulldozed a bunch of nuclear waste under a pile of debris that I didn't know was hiding there. It will be fine once I get used to it. Thanks, TxGuitar!
Roy Rolling
(6,856 posts)I was shocked my life was half over. The crisis had begun.
PWPippinesq
(195 posts)So, don't fret about it. i'll be 79 in October and hope not to know for quite some time.
3Hotdogs
(12,210 posts)We'll crack open a beer on each other's day.
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)more comfortable I feel with life and with myself - generally. Until now. For some reason, I am really missing my carefree college days when it seemed like I had the whole world in front of me and anything was possible.
Bernardo de La Paz
(48,790 posts)You can't change the past, but you can learn from it. When you review your past, do it with forgiveness and to seek some wisdom, but with no self-flagellation. Forgive yourself for any perceived "errors" or unfortunate choices. Let go of the past without losing sight of it.
Look to the future with hope and with some purpose. If there are ways in the here and now to set past "unfortunatisms" right or improve situations, without contorting yourself into knots, do some of them. But don't fret if there aren't or you've done what you can. The past is done.
There is no reason you can't shift your focus or career or line of work or your outside-of-work goals and activities, if you want to. You don't have to. Second and third careers can begin at 69, 59, 49, any time. New devotions can be acquired at any time.
It doesn't have to be dramatic. You can shift things into new directions bit by bit. You don't have to slam on the brakes, ditch the car and hike off the highway in a random direction.
Pick something you feel is important to you. Say, climate change, gerrymandering, home healthcare, mentoring, whatever, big or small. Doesn't matter. Could be tiny and could be the first of many tiny things or it might be in service of a huge societal goal. If you feel it is important, start on it in small ways. Doesn't matter how big the topic or how small the start, begin making steps. Be sure to appreciate and gain satisfaction from small steps. That keeps you going forward. A couple of years of small steps (don't have to be artificially constrained to be small) and then they start getting bigger and having more impact as you get into it. After 20 years, you will be amazed at what you have accomplished.
This is what I have begun. I had no midlife crisis, but somewhat later I have rededicated myself to a right-livelihood way that is a modification of what I have been doing. It is a way that helps me move society forward, at least a little bit, to get something done that needs doing. I have no idea what I might accomplish, but I know by choosing a good direction there will be some good come from it that doesn't simply benefit me.
Choose a forward direction, and start moving forward. A journey of a thousand kilometers begins with a single step. Focus on each step, with your head held high, looking forward. In other words, don't look at your feet, but be very aware of what they are doing.
Whatever you do, embrace the present. Find joy in the present, even if it is only a butterfly flitting by.
NNadir
(33,368 posts)smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)NNadir
(33,368 posts)This comes from Ingmar Bergman, and I live by it.
The operative word in the phrase "growing old" is "growing." The best way to deal with regret for not doing something is to do it.
Bernardo de La Paz
(48,790 posts)Never stop growing.
we can do it
(12,118 posts)Experience does not necessarily make you old. It can free you to explore what you really want to.
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)Thank you!
barbtries
(28,703 posts)if there is something you always wanted to do, like writing or painting or hiking or surfing, do it now. go out on a limb. If you're in a dead end job, think about what you prefer to do and go back to school to make it happen. I got a whole new career when I was nearly 60 years old. Not a lot of time to mull over regrets and what-ifs if you're busy making positive change in your life.
you're still kicking. never too late.
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)this is the self-destructive fear welling up inside of me that is keeping me stuck. I can't help but think that this is happening for a reason - to challenge me and to get me to push through to get me to another level of operating in the world. I have always been much too passive about everything and need to start choosing what I want, instead of just letting it happen to me.
Thank you!
barbtries
(28,703 posts)and this may be mundane but Ann Landers used to advise people to think about whether staying in the same place was worse than the alternative. For you, right now the alternative may be better. You don't know what will happen if you make these changes, but you can pretty well predict what will happen if you don't.
It's an adventure. I'll add that for me personally, what has always been the most excruciating thing was indecision. I've made good decisions and bad ones too, but the wavering between was always the hardest part. I feel you may be twisting in that space at the moment.
I'm cursed with the worry gene and fight fear all the time even as I know it's a waste of energy. I have a feeling you're on the precipice of some very positive changes.
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)Very good advice. I think moving forward is always the right answer when feeling stuck. Pushing through the fear is what makes you stronger and brings about growth.
3Hotdogs
(12,210 posts)of the fun out of it when you know everyone else is going through almost the same thing.
A crisis like your parent cancer disrupts some of the cycle.
At 78. I am at a stage of contentment. I don't have to perform or be in a roll for anyone.
I do miss sex.
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)I think I read passages a long time ago, but it's worth another read. I think I may start taking books out of the library to save some money. Thank you for the suggestion!
modrepub
(3,469 posts)it's worth your 15 minutes. There's a good explanation of what leads to a "mid-life" crisis IMHO. You have to hang in there until just after the 11 min mark.
It's possible understanding the cause will help you a bit.
Alice Kramden
(2,157 posts)What a great talk
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)Story of my life!
róisín_dubh
(11,784 posts)I should have sorted things out a few years ago, but Im working on it now. Ive just turned 44 and will be pleased with things by the end of the year I hope.
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)I am a little more than a decade older than you are and it's really not too late for either of us. I think I am just going through a panic due to some other upheavals in my personal life right now and nothing feels grounded.
I wish you all the best!
róisín_dubh
(11,784 posts)I wish I could have a personal crisis at a different time than my professional crisis, but whatever. They're kind of interrelated. It's going to be rough, but I think I'll come through a much more grounded, happier person (because I know what you mean by feeling un-grounded at the moment).
Cheers to yoU!
Scrivener7
(50,774 posts)"midlife."
But I was successful in a career that I had enjoyed, but that I didn't think counted for much in terms of my feeling good about the contribution I made to the world.
I am a VERY security minded person, but something inside me made me toss my whole life up in the air and start a new one.
I quit my job with the plan of going into a healthcare field. I had no guarantees that I would be accepted into the school programs I would need to become certified for that job.
But after a year of prerequisites, I was accepted and I went to two years at a great graduate school, using up all my savings to do it.
The man I was seeing didn't really like being with a woman who wore scrubs every day instead of designer suits and cute heels, and he didn't like the time I had to put into study, so we broke up. I knew that was coming, and it was just more proof to me that my previous life, while enjoyable, had not had much depth.
When I came out of school and began work, it made sense to move from the city to a nearby village.
So within 3 years, I had completely changed every aspect of my life.
I had enjoyed the "before" life and I have missed the many glamorous aspects of it (my new life has NO glamor!), but I have never regretted my decision. I just retired from that second career. It gave me great joy for every day of 20 years. I still don't know what happened inside me to give me the guts to do it, but it was the right thing to do.
Coincidentally, it happened just a couple of years after the death of the first person in my life that I was very, very close to.
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)It sounded like that was exactly the way things were supposed to happen for you, although it must not have been easy at the time.
The thing is, nothing is really that wrong in my life. I love my apartment and where I live. My job is not the most fulfilling or exciting job in the world, but it pays well, is not too demanding and works for me right now.
My personal life is decent, although I am single and am pining over someone who is not avaialable, so I am trying to focus on other things in life that do bring me happiness - relationships w/ friends and family, hobbies, other interests, getting healthy, etc. I want a relationship, I just dread the whole online thing and getting back out there.
Scrivener7
(50,774 posts)all of a sudden I knew I wasn't going to be fulfilled until I did something that mattered to me.
But what it sounds like you are heading toward is wanting a successful relationship. The unavailable thing is no good. You know that. But if my experience showed me anything, it is that we can have what we want.(With someone who is available.) If we do the work and if we are practical about it and if we know nothing is ever perfect, we can build the things we want. These feelings of dissatisfaction are a great thing. It is really important to pay attention to them. They point us away from what we don't want and toward what we do.
Good luck!
japple
(9,773 posts)just wasted your money.
Seriously, I hope you can find a way to embrace the present. I've been much more content in my 60s and 70s than I ever was in my early years. I wouldn't go back for anything.
RazzleCat
(732 posts)says the woman who purchased a red mustang convertible at the apex of hers. It was not a waste of my money, always wanted one even as a kid, found it used at a good price, had it for a couple of years and then sold if for just a couple K less than I paid. Main reason I dumped it was the auto transmission (did not feel like a real one with that), so off to a Mini Cooper that did have a manual, only to end up messing up my shoulder so bad I can't drive manual, so now I have the very boring Honda hybrid. Don't regret my "stupid car choices" at all, enjoyed them with great glee.
Alice Kramden
(2,157 posts)That I thought was good looking - cars can be like a fun fashion accessory if they're good looking
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)I don't drive and can't afford plastic surgery. Even if I could, I don't think I would do it. And don't really need it yet.
Hopefully, my 60s and 70s will be more peaceful, settled years if I make it that long. Thanks!
LakeArenal
(28,729 posts)I didnt consider it a crisis tho.
PJMcK
(21,922 posts)In my early 40s, I was re-assessing my career which I felt had stalled. I was desperately trying to decide which way to go. We had a young son and I suddenly realized that my decisions were more impactful for his future than mine.
I refocused my energies on my already successful work and never looked back. Things have been mostly great since then. It was one of the best resolutions of my life.
Alternatively, one could buy a sports car.
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)My job is not my dream, but it's pretty decent and pays the bills and offers me a lot of flexibility I feel pretty fortunate to have it and be with the company I am with.
I am not really a career person, I feel like my interests lie more outside my occupation and I am more interested in having a fulfilling personal life than forging a new career path. Work just isn't my "bag", I guess. It's a means to an end.
MOMFUDSKI
(5,206 posts)moving from Wisconsin to Florida at age 40 count?
Bluethroughu
(5,096 posts)I got pneumonia in early August and it lingered on and off until the end of the year. I think I couldn't shake it because I was depressed thinking about how much of my life had gone by, and I didn't get to savor or enjoy enough of those moments because of work. I didn't realize it was happening until my teenage son, walked in the house in October and asked me what in the hell is going on, usually we have music and fall decorations and spirit. That's when I knew not only was I sick in the lungs, but sick in the head.
I was then angry because 2020 brought Covid and rump was still around, but then everything slowed down. We had to. I took a look around at my life, and was grateful again. We were making it through this together, and I was lucky to have 5 loads of laundry from my family that I love and love me too. I began to understand again, this is only a chapter in my story. The next can be that adventurous one I crave, but it does take a little planning and dreaming, but those are half the journey of joy.
This year I'm enjoying the ride, as long as I can hang on.
But, these rumpers are pissing me off, put on a mask get the the vax and lets get on with living, freaking selfish jerks ruining it for everyone else.
By the way 26 years together, 25 married this year. We are definately writing the next chapter together, hopefully sharing the sights, tastes and treasures our country has to offer road tripping, when this Covid chaos is over and our son graduates from High school the same year our daughter graduates from college. We'll all be ready to see some life, before they get into the daily grind!
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)I am glad you were able to pull out of it, and I am frustrated w/ the Trumpers and their selfishness as well. It seems like this will never end because they refuse to do their part.
Also congrats on your 25th anniversary! Wishing you and your spouse all the best wherever you decide to travel!
Bluethroughu
(5,096 posts)I hope your feelings don't cost to much both financially or physically, and you find exactly what you're looking for.
Alice Kramden
(2,157 posts)Thanks for starting it. In my 66 years I have had a lot of starts and stops, but it helps if I just try to do the next step, the next right thing. The next step could be dramatic like moving across the world or it could be innocuous, like cleaning a messy drawer.
Bluethroughu
(5,096 posts)I love when someone can say so much with so little, that's talent.
Alice Kramden
(2,157 posts)someone generously responds
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)That's a good plan. Just do the next right thing in front of you. Sometimes, it seems so simple and I am ok with that, but then in the middle of the night I will wake up in this existential panic for no real reason at all. It's definitely a psychological thing and I am working on it w/ a therapist.
Thank you!
SheltieLover
(57,073 posts)Dr. Jean Shinoda-Bolen' "Close to the Bone: life Threatening Illness as a Soul Journey."
She is a psychiatrist and a Jungian analyst. Great stuff!
Good luck on your journey!
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)Thank you for the book recommendation! Very helpful! I will also recommend it to family members, although I don't know if it is something i could get my mother to read, even though she is the one who could benefit from it the most.
Hope all is well with you these days!
SheltieLover
(57,073 posts)It might be worth your time to read it before passing it along.
Kaleva
(36,147 posts)I'm pleased with what I have accomplished, especially in the past few years, and am enjoying life. While I can no longer do what I was able to do physically 30-40 years ago, I've adapted and it's interesting learning new things.
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)I hope to be where you are in a few more years. I am working on using this as a growth and learning opportunity, so I hope it will bring me to a better place. Thank you!
Kaleva
(36,147 posts)I've always liked gardening but changes had to be made for me to do it. No longer can I power through a Sunday or Saturday taking care of it. I had to research and implement labor saving techniques. The fence used to be chicken wire held up by steel fence posts which i had to put up every spring. Now the fence is step in electric fence posts that hold up 30 lb fishing line. Today I have a garden that produces more and more importantly, takes far less labor to care for then gardens i had when I was younger and that gives me a sense of accomplishment.
Your comment:
"I am working on using this as a growth and learning opportunity..."
I believe that is the attitude to have and i think you'll find in a few short years you'll be thinking "Life is good!". Best of luck!
LuckyCharms
(17,287 posts)Buckeye_Democrat
(14,848 posts)... "accomplishments" and always "doing something", which is much more of an American obsession compared to most places in the world.
The biggest mistake is caring about your "status" among other people. It's a sure path to dissatisfaction and regret.
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)You get it! That's the thing! I don't care about accomplishments or always doing something. Nor do I care about status. I don't know where this has come from all of a sudden. I think I made the mistake of looking up some old college friends on F-book after hearing something about one of them, and I suddenly felt "less than". It's so stupid, but it just kind of triggered me.
The big thing is that I am single and child-free, which is how I wanted it, and would not have done it any other way, but when I see all these people with their spouses and families, I suddenly feel like I missed out and that my life choices were wrong, even though I know I would be miserable in their shoes. God, Facebook is so toxic.
Anyway, thanks for your post. I appreciate it.
yellowdogintexas
(22,120 posts)but they have been worse in the past 2 years.
At 72 I have developed not just 20 20 hindsight but 20 0 !
Big stuff like first marriage; not keeping in touch with folks I loved, wrong job choices, not going to grad school.
It seems that when I found a new path to take, something would happen that kept me from taking the time off from a full time job to pursue that path.
I do not regreat my second marriage despite ups and downs and especially our daughter!
The past 18 months have really made me dwell on this.
OK Pity party is over, now I am going to the phone bank for Say No To The Recall!
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)Not keeping up relationships that I should have put more time and attention into. It's not like I have fallen-out with people, I just kind of dropped the ball out of laziness and introversion and now I wish I hadn't with a lot of people. I took too manypit people for granted.
I went to grad school, but not for the right thing and I am not using that degree, but I am paying for it. That's the biggest regret right there.
I think my regrets are mostly personal, some professional, but as you said, I need to stop the pity party. But I guess a lot of people get to a point in their lives where they stop and take a look and are like "Holy shit, how did I get this far and not accomplish any of my lofty goals?"
I will work through it and come out the other side. Thanks for sharing and good for you for going to the phone bank!!
LakeArenal
(28,729 posts)Oprah told us to keep a gratitude journal.
At first I realized I kept being grateful for the same things only said differently.
Like : Im grateful for the blue sky or
Im grateful for the sunny day etc.
So I decided no using the same thing twice. I began to realize there were lots of things Im grateful for.
Recently a DUer posted a thread that made me really think.
(I paraphrase)
If you made a list of everyone you love, how long would it take you to list yourself.
It really made me think.
But the greatest thing we did was sell everything, pack up and moved to Costa Rica. Its been a new adventure every day.
I instantly realized how spoiled American I am. People here make life out of seemingly nothing. They are always smiling and friendly.
It does wonders for the soul.
Hope its just a funk you are in and it passes soon. Good vibes sent your way always.
hunter
(38,264 posts)My transition to young adulthood was a lot like that as well. My mind went a little sideways.
Fortunately I didn't end up living in my car this time. 21st century medicine is amazing.
It didn't have anything to do with regrets or my personal understanding of mortality. Even as a child I understood that people died in hospitals, kids like me included. But I always understood my odds were worse if I didn't go.
I quit time traveling the day I met my wife. There's an infinite number of ways I, as a time traveler, could have screwed that up. Maybe I have in multiple parallel universes.
The screw-ups of my time traveler past made me realize I live in the Die beste aller möglichen Welten, even as I muddle through the horrible parts.
That, and Buckaroo Bonzai.
Hey, hey, hey, hey now. Dont be mean, we dont have to be mean, 'cause, remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
I have a guardian angel. He's a mean son of a bitch who laughs at my near death experiences. But maybe that's what it takes to get it through my thick skull that life is wonderful. My young adult self would never understand how I've forgiven him and treasure the memories of the largely self-inflicted traumas he survived. He survived them well.
The random shit I'll blame on God. I am not going to be a satisfied customer when I reach the Pearly Gates but the nudity won't bother me at all.