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Related: Culture Forums, Support ForumsIn mourning again, still...
I've posted before in other lesser forums, Bereavement and Chronic Health Problems about the ambivalent emotions (grief/anger/political opinions on so many issues) as well as General Discussion I have recently and not so recently encountered since May. Well, my 92 year old mother passed May 29 of this year following two strokes; today I received word that my brother died this morning while in hospice care - nothing to be done with a combination of advanced non-alcoholic liver disease, and pancreatic cancer with DM, treatment of either of which would negatively impact any hope of extended time. He had been mom's caretaker having never left home and I'd imagined he had also helped her through caring for my dad. Having been estranged from my FOO for almost 30 years made for many years of mourning their "pseudo-deaths." I was able to attend my mom's funeral such as it was (graveside service aborted by severe storm); and true to the prognosis, now my brother's. I feel a deep and tragic loss because brother and I had become reconciled, had visited, and spoke by phone last just a couple days ago but am having a harder time renewing a relationship with my sister who handled final arrangements as best as possible and will handle this funeral as well. In these days of so many hospitalizations and deaths, vaccinated and obstinately not vaccinated, neither fell victim to that disease as far as I know. I don't know how everything will eventually shake out as those remaining left our childhoods behind on very different paths...and we don't know each other or each other's families very well. I want to thank you all for being kind in providing so much civility, care, and a safe place to learn, laugh, and share for each other and for me!
leftieNanner
(15,089 posts)GPV
(72,377 posts)CaliforniaPeggy
(149,614 posts)I am so sorry.
Do vent all you want; maybe it'll help. And remember, there is nearly always someone here.
NNadir
(33,517 posts)I have a brother from whom I'm estranged. I don't know how I'd feel if I learned he died, but I'm not likely to learn of it if it happens or happened.
Still, I'm happy for you that you were able to make contact with him before he died, and that you valued him and he you.
Deep condolences.
Backseat Driver
(4,392 posts)BTW, I once lived in a 10-mile zone. I wasn't freaked out by that, but I was freaked out by the cardboard sign I was instructed to be sure to post in my front window upon evacuation and could never throw away, passing it to any other that would someday have that address. So weird! Left it on the workbench, I'm the obedient kind, hahaha. The marks on the Katrina homes, after the fact, reminded me of that sign and possible future destruction/survivor search. Katrina was worse! As was the photos of Andrew in Florida. We also traveled right by the 3-Mile Island incident while PG with #1 kid; no sweat!
calimary
(81,259 posts)World-class thinkers and writers, much sympathy, empathy, and compassion. Even when weve never met face-to-face, we all are friends here.
VERY helpful and much-needed at a time like this. I know that from personal experience. As DUer Skittles once put it, someones always here. Even just knowing that is comforting.
Backseat Driver
(4,392 posts)I've become a regular "Name of the Rose" heretic as I lick the texts. DUer's also have the best humor as a coping mechanism. Love you all!
Skittles
(153,160 posts)my younger brother died in hospice out of state in May, and I was never able to visit him due to Covid.....as if the virus wasn't enough to deal with
SheltieLover
(57,073 posts)Skittles
(153,160 posts)I Skype-called him but he was severely autistic and seemed confused; I was never certain he knew who I was.
SheltieLover
(57,073 posts)Backseat Driver
(4,392 posts)was some hepatic encephalopathy going on or metastasis. How do you have a successful career without cell phone use; he had a patent for Pete's sake. When you go into hospice, there's very little to no new diagnoses or treatments happening; vitals and pain comfort according to the patient's Advanced Directives.
Backseat Driver
(4,392 posts)made light of how as children we used a kitchen Revereware pot if we couldn't get to the single bathroom in the house - he was very skinny and weak - skin and bones, really. We visited twice; he was OOT; last time we spoke and reminisced, small and light talk really, several days ago he'd been sick and asked for pain medication as well - I guess he was preparing me - DH and I were married on his birthday in November and he was a 15 year old groomsman the others had to hurriedly teach how to wear tux and formal shirt while watching the OSU-Mich game...such a baby brother - I feel so sad...and how the years go by. Thanks and comfort to you too, Skittles.
Karadeniz
(22,513 posts)Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)
Chin music This message was self-deleted by its author.
The Polack MSgt
(13,188 posts)alwaysinasnit
(5,066 posts)ancianita
(36,055 posts)I'm sorry for your loss. Sometimes the distance and time are too great to heal everything. (I have an estranged brother situation and probably wouldn't hear if anything happened to him. )
Just know that we're grateful you're here.
duhneece
(4,112 posts)Or something stronger. We share similar stories of estrangement between/among siblings and families. Hugs to you.
bucolic_frolic
(43,158 posts)You have my condolences and hopeful thoughts. I spend a lot of time sorting through the reasons, decisions, personalities that led to this or that in life's path. It's not a pretty picture. Most troublesome to me is there's no one who understands and that doesn't make any difference either. So I drive the bus and try to focus on positive things and improve outcomes. What else is there?
SheltieLover
(57,073 posts)I'm glad for you that youb& your brother were able to reconnect, even on the phone.
Please take good care of yourself and, as others have said, someone is always here.
XanaDUer2
(10,664 posts)brer cat
(24,565 posts)Take care of yourself during this time of mourning.
FakeNoose
(32,639 posts)Condolences for your brother. May he Rest In Peace.
lunatica
(53,410 posts)I hope you can reconcile with the rest of your family. Maybe if you tell them what you wrote to us it will be a good way. I know it would grab my attention. I lost my mother and my son. I never stopped mourning and probably never will.
Backseat Driver
(4,392 posts)I gave her time to consider and she said yes, that's what she wanted - I told her to have a good life; I guess 92 years was sufficient. I can only imagine conversations because none of the rest ever called me just to talk until their last illnesses. Like Dr. Laura, I could not find my "better angel" back then. Folks crucified Dr. Laura, but I'm no psychologist. It was a long time before I could re-frame and heal 90% from the toxic cruelties/double messages she spewed, but I got all kinds of counseling and eventually came to the conclusion about how her childhood traumas must have shaped her fundamentalist black-and-white thinking over being a nurturing mom. I'm not a perfect person either; she was clearly disappointed in her daughter and grandchildren. My siblings, brother and sister, and I took early leave on very different pathways.
Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)
Not Heidi This message was self-deleted by its author.
Not Heidi
(1,288 posts)🫂 ♥️