50 and never been in love. Anyone else like me?
a few days ago i posted this and a great conversation was being had and then for some inexplicable reason the post was locked. So I am attempting to recreate as much as I can from that post as there was some GREAT information and advice being shared.....
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I have had a couple brief relationships, lived with one girl for a year but she was newly divorced and 15 years my elder so I was more a boy toy lol
but I never had that deep emotional cant live without them, live for them, die for them, kind of thing with anyone.
Starting to feel like i never will.
no kids. never really able to financially support them had I had them so pretty much avoided it.
IS it too late?
if not, where would you start? Im a recluse and not much of a people person. not many friends. dont socialize offline much.
not a good recipe when deciding to try to meet someone lol
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Original Replies....
SmallFry (263 posts)
1. Go to some kind of free dating site...
And be as open as you just were.
Just let it sit and see if you get a response. Don’t use a swipe left type dating APP. Go more obscure.
My two cents. There are many a women out there that could write a near identical story.
Hoyt (53,424 posts)
2. Biggest introvert in world. That's why I recommend on-line dating, even
with all the pitfalls. At least it gives folks an option to totally giving up.
3Hotdogs (7,642 posts)
3. Jon a hiking club, or other kind of club.
Start your own singles club for 50's +. I guarantee you will get responses.
Tetrachloride (2,017 posts)
5. New activity is also my recommendation
Set aside time to try.
Ask at local library
Join anti fascist demonstrations.
Buy a new shirt, shoes
Wash the car.
if you have a pet, bring to the demonstration. Tremendous icebreaker
markie (21,539 posts)
4. not too late
I discovered love (he discovered me) just before I was 50... we had 20 awesome years and I am so grateful
I am a serious introvert. I went online just to find a penpal and my soon to be partner decided he wanted more than a penpal... he convinced me would should meet and that was it....
flor-de-jasmim (1,962 posts)
6. I knew a woman who found love at 78! So, no, it's not too late.
I agree with those who suggest an activity - but have it be something that YOU'D like to do. Present yourself honestly and give yourself (and others) TIME to get to know you. The perfect woman may be someone who is also a bit of a recluse and it might take her time to feel comfortable.
All the best to you.
planetc (5,966 posts)
7. A long time ago, I thought I was just too introverted and analytical ...
to fall in live. But these were famous last thoughts. I fell in love at first sight, and it changed my life.
So, if you have a voice, join a choir.
Talk to waitresses and librarians. There are so many activities at my local library that everyone from 4 months to 87 years can attend a reading or discussion.
Sneak out into the world and let people meet you. Couldn't hurt, and it might help.
Earth-shine (1,667 posts)
8. Best way to meet women -- learn ballroom dancing. Men are in short supply.
Go to the dancing socials.
Doodley (8,570 posts)
10. It's never too late. And it's never been easier to find somebody special
who will love you as much as you love too. Join a dating site. What can you lose? I met my wife online within a few days. She picked me. We fell in love. That was 20 years ago.
TomSlick (9,275 posts)
11. I have a good friend that met his wife on a dating app.
They are as different as two people can be. His wife is a PhD English professor. My friend only has a passing aquantance with the rules of grammar.
They are completely devoted to each other and appear a match made in heaven.
Elessar Zappa (8,260 posts)
13. I'm 38 and only been in one relationship about ten years ago.
I’m painfully shy with social anxiety and it’s hard for me to meet people. I’ve learned to become comfortable with my own company but every now and then I wish I wasn’t alone
nocoincidences (1,651 posts)
15. There are local meet up groups in my area
where people get together based on a shared interest. There's a local meetup group that always sounded interesting to me called "liberal drinkers"!
If you are a Facebook user you can do a search on there for meetup groups that are local to you.
Also on meetup.com
A great way to meet friends and more with your interests!
FM123 (9,401 posts)
16. Gloria Steinem became a first time bride at the age of 66. 50 is still young!
One of my kids is very very shy - she has recently joined a meetup group for introverts and is having a wonderful time. They go on amazing outdoorsy field trips where there is no pressure to be chatty, just to enjoy the scenery and the company of other shy people. So far, so good - perhaps there is a meet up group like this in your neck of the woods?
zipplewrath (16,324 posts)
17. My sister
Dumped her boyfriend 3 months before senior prom. Had a series of boyfriends that she ultimately dumped because they were too "needy" or "clingy". She's also been dumped a few times, I suspect because she didn't respond to their needs. But as many have suggested, it doesn't mean there isn't someone out their with your similar feelings. Heck, it could be someone like my sister.
Victor_c3 (3,072 posts)
18. I'm 42, been through it, but I done with the whole love thing
I was married nearly 14 years. My ex left me about 4 years ago for a guy she had a crush on when she was in middle school. She shit all over me repeatedly for years and, quite frankly, I’m done with the idea of romantic love. I’ve had one serious girlfriend since our separation, but she went back to an abusive ex after being with me for several months.
Life is so much simpler and more enjoyable when you don’t have to put up with someone else’s shit. Outside of my children, I don’t compromise with anyone about anything.
I have a series of “lady friends” that I see that share a similar outlook as me. They’re mostly happy living by themselves but, like me, look for a little physically intimacy from time to time.
I won’t say never, but I’m not planning on ever being in romantic relationship again.
vercetti2021 (7,307 posts)
19. Not too late
But love stinks in my opinion. No man or woman will ever make me a happy woman. I'd avoiding dating apps...people lookin for a quick fuck than a relationship.
Mind you I'm 31. Love is bullshit
multigraincracker (27,021 posts)
20. 65 when we found each other.
7 years later, can't imagine life without her..can happen when you least expect it.
best of luck to you.
Catherine Vincent (34,096 posts)
21. You're not alone
22. Knew a guy who met the love of his life at 76
Love at first sight at a bingo game.
They had 12 glorious years together and both passed within a few weeks of each other.
MerryBlooms (10,525 posts)
23. I've loved completely once in my life.
I lost my husband to cancer in 2002. I met a man years later I tried to love the same, but he was killed in the vehicle accident that nearly killed me. But it wasn't the same, I tried, he understood... I was in love with a dead man, and always will be.
My best advice, get out of your comfort zone. Volunteer, take your focus off you, and put it on others, I'm sure your local food banks need help. Get off the internet, and into your community. You will meet like minded people, and there is bound to be sweet gal just hoping for someone like you to stumble into her life.
mvd (63,863 posts)
25. I have been single all my life
I get attracted to women from afar, but always too socially afraid for a relationship. I haven’t ruled one out, but it is hard for me.
UTUSN (63,244 posts)
28. Forget the in-love-with-love & go for who will let you be and you let be. "Love" be later.
Lucid Dreamer (428 posts)
29. Clubs for sure.
Go back to the early replies and take the groups and clubs route.
I have seen this work several times in my membership period with a sailing club. [Cheap boats, not megabuck stuff.] In that club you could always find owners that need crew for the races, no experience required.
I met my wife when I was a tech director with a community theater group. She was the one who chipped thru my shyness.
GO DO SOMETHING! And come back with a great story to share. OK?
womanofthehills (6,275 posts)
30. Best dating sites for introverts - tells what sites offer
Thing with dating sites is - don’t give up. Just when you feel this might not be for you - you might meet someone.
Billed as the dating app Coffee Meets Bagel doesn't force you into endless scrolling through profiles of guys or gals who may or may not be a good match for you. Instead, every day at noon, the app sends you one potential match. If you like them and they like you, you can chat — and the app even helps facilitate a first date. An introvert's dream! introverts, Anomo is all about keeping things casual at first. Instead of throwing 20 photos of yourself up right away and letting it all hang out, Anomo dating app starts slow, with an avatar. You play games, and you're matched with people who have similar interests and answers. If you choose to get to know someone more on the app, you can reveal more of yourself. Perfect.
I was only on OkCupid for a hot minute, but I noticed that there were a lot of self-described introverts on this app, anonly on OkCupid for a hot minute, but I noticed that there were a lot of self-described introverts on this app, and though it's a complete mixed bag — you can definitely find people of every stripe on this app — sheer volume of membership alone pretty much guarantees you'll be able to find other introverts on here (if that's what you want). bag — you can definitely find people of every stripe on this app — sheer volume of membership alone pretty much guarantees you'll be able to find other introverts on here (if that's what you want)
This one sounds good if you want to take it slow…
Billed as the dating app for introverts, Anomo is all about keeping things casual at first. Instead of throwing 20 photos of yourself up right away and letting it all hang out, Anomo dating app starts slow, with an avatar. You play games, and you're matched with people who have similar interests and answers. If you choose to get to know someone more on the app, you can reveal more of yourself. Perfect.
https://www.bustle.com/articles/145255-the-best-dating-apps-for-introvertsI
LuckyCharms (11,786 posts)
31. My opinions:
There is nothing that says you HAVE to fall head over heels in love.
Fifty is relatively young, you most likely have have a lot of years ahead of you.
Anything that you try to force, either in yourself, or in others, are not real feelings.
I'm addressing you as a straight man since that is what is indicated in your post: In many respects men and women are very different, but what people usually overlook are our similarities. Many women, your age, have the exact same feelings that you have right now.
You can't go out and "look" for deeply romantic love, it has to develop. It might develop, it might not. However, you can look to meet people that you are attracted to and then see what happens. Whatever develops will be most likely positive for you.
Any of these positive outcomes can happen: friendship, companionship, travel partner, sexual partner, confidant, a good listener becomes available to you, a dependable person becomes available to you, and yes, romantic love. Any and all of these things can happen. Or, if you want to remain a hermit as you describe yourself, there may be a woman out there who is also a hermit, but she wants to be a hermit with another person by her side. Nothing wrong with that.
In all cases, don't be someone you are not. You indicate that you are introverted. That does not mean that you cannot meet people. You do not have to talk someone's ear off to meet them. Sometimes simply smiling slightly at someone will start a conversation. Remember, we all have the same desires, whether we are extroverted or introverted. I normally don't approach people in public, but people tend to approach me, and we just talk. You need not be some sort of superstar brilliant, outgoing madly successful person. Just be you.
Most women don't care about money if they end up with a person they like. Again, there are women out there feeling just as you are feeling.
The best way to meet people is to meet them face to face. Go for a walk in the same park everyday at the same time. There will invariably be someone there who is doing the same thing at the same time every day, and you will eventually naturally lead to daily conversations. Maybe it will take a few months, but it will happen.
If you would rather try a dating site, just put a normal picture of yourself and be completely open and honest as to the person you are. If you get a response that interests you, see what happens. Just understand that there's probably a lot of nefarious stuff that happens on those sites, so be careful. Also, remember that you don't need to jump at any responses that you get. You are a valuable human being, and your goal is to bring someone into your life who will benefit you, and to be able to benefit her life as well.
If you do get out, be friendly to everyone you meet, even if you display friendliness in a low key and subdued manner. . Be polite to service people. Get to know them at your regular place of eating. Eventually, someone is going to say "You know, I think you would like my friend".
Go places, anywhere. Do things. Anything. Don't be afraid to do these things alone if you are as you say, not a people person. People want to interact. I can't really tell to what degree of "hermit" you are. If you really do not want to leave your home too much, then talk to people online.
You can't really look for love, but you can meet people. All genders, all ages. And if deep love is what you want, deep love is what you may eventually find by doing this.
I live by these rules, and I repeat these words to myself several times daily:
1) It's not going to get done by me just staring at it all day
2) In order for me to get it done, I have to do it. If I don't do it, it won't get done. So stop thinking about it and do it you idiot (not you, that's what I say to myself).
What I'm saying here is summarized as follows: You can't force love, but you can meet people in a million different ways. Find a way that suits your natural personality the best, and then meet some people. That has the potential of reaching your desire of falling in love with someone. And if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen. You're still a valuable human being either way.
And finally, for the vast majority of life events, it is never too late for most anything.
Star Member Dorian Gray (11,939 posts)
33. My advice
If a partner is something that you truly want, I think challenging yourself to be more social is a good first step. Join a community org, hobby group, church or some other social org where you will meet people with similar interests.
Having said that, it's okay to go against the grain of society and not pursue a relationship. You can be happy and fulfilled on your own.
sky_masterson (200 posts)
34. I think we get caught up in the dreamy fantasy love thingie of storybooks
There is just that one magical person that is our puzzle piece.
Everyday with this mystical person would be a heavenly jaunt through life and everything will be bliss and puppies.
I think the best we can hope for in life is a mate that is a partner,friend, one you can trust.
It's easily to fall in love, to get that same love returned is nice but never a given.In my experience its rare as hell.
I believe its best to look for a friend and let the love develop if it's meant to be.
You want to find love, Quit looking for it.
MineralMan (143,004 posts)
35. In my experience, the best way to find someone you love is
to make friends with people who might suit your preferences.
Of course that takes being at least somewhat social.
Don't rush it. Just become friends. Hang out with your friends. Do things together. Laugh. Talk. Listen even more.
It's easy to fall in love with a good friend. If you do, tell that friend about your feelings. Don't be afraid that will ruin the friendship. More often than you think, the feelings are already mutual.
That has worked very well for me throughout my life, beginning as a teenager. Right now, I've been married to my best friend for 30 years.
Sympthsical (3,540 posts)
36. Love is an opportunistic thing
If you're never meeting people, you're not maximizing your opportunities. The people I have fallen hard for in the past were people I wasn't expecting to meet. Our lives just kind of intersected randomly.
Online dating, hobby groups. Hobbies are the biggest thing for adults who are looking to form new relationships and friendships. And the thing about friendship circles formed by these things is that they can have the habit of rippling outward to meet more people.
I get being an introvert. When I'm home, I'm usually squirreled away in my office and doing my own thing. I like my quiet time immensely and won't talk to my friends for days at a time because I'd rather my me-time be just me. My partner is super social and is constantly coming and going with his friends and family. He leaves me to my alone time.
But life is short. If you're not out there with people being socially active in some way, you won't meet anyone. And it's honestly just healthy to get out of the house and have that human interaction. I've been secreted away working on things all weekend. Tonight, seeing Everything Everywhere All At Once at 10pm with some friends. Late night movie with people I like is underrated.
If I must give salient, topical advice, I suppose it would be: unsolicited dick pics aren't the draw people seem to think they are.
GaYellowDawg (4,347 posts)
39. It's not too late.
I didn't have a relationship between college and when I was 50. I've been in 3 relationships since then and I have met THE one. The best thing you can do is to be the best person you know how to be physically and personally. Try to make yourself into someone else's one, and you'll be ready for her when you meet her. I met my girlfriend under very improbable circumstances but I was in pretty good shape and I was ready emotionally to be in a relationship. And by that, I mean that I had hit the point where I decided to be happy with the life I had instead of yearning for more. If you look like you try to take care of yourself, come across as happy with no baggage, and be out as much as you can, you really increase your chances. There is definitely luck involved but you can increase your chances.
It's not too late. I hope you find what you're looking for.
= new reply since forum marked as read
I'm guessing someone reported it, because that's usually what leads to moderators reviewing & locking.
But it still doesn't make sense to me.
