I have a few stories you may be able to relate to. Or, maybe not.
This is just some random stuff that seems to repeat itself in my life day after day, week after week, same situation after same situation.
I need to preface all of this by explaining that I have a terribly bad back. It's been like that for years...maybe decades. It usually only slows me down first thing in the morning, until I loosen up a bit, and then I'm fine. However, I took a bad fall the other day. I didn't know how bad it was until the next day. So usually, the worst part of my day is when trying to get out of bed. But since the fall, my back has been really bad and bothers me all day. It will improve, because it always does (except for first thing in the morning), but right now, I'm a miserable bastard and my entire back is covered with those stick-on Salonpas pain relief patches.
So here are some examples of typical situations that occur, almost daily.
I had a cardiologist appointment at the hospital a few days ago. My wife kindly insisted that she attend this appointment with me. I tried to discourage her from going with me, citing how miserable I was with my back, and telling her "You know what an asshole I can be, and I don't want to put you through that, I'll be fine going alone". She still insisted on going.
So we drive to the hospital and park in the parking ramp. Let me explain one of the reasons I don't like her attending these appointments with me. We are both not unusually tall, in fact, we are exactly the same height. As a woman, she is considered to be somewhat tall. However, our bodies are built differently. Her legs are much longer than mine. As a result, she has a longer natural stride, and she always, always, always gets ahead of me when walking to a destination. It seems like something that she can't control. When we parked in the parking ramp, we sat in the car for a few moments to fit our N95's correctly. As we were doing this, I said to her "Listen, you know how bad my back is today. I'm going to have to walk REALLY slow to the entrance. Please, I'm begging you, don't get ahead of me, because that puts pressure on me to walk faster to catch up with you. Do whatever you have to do. Shuffle your feet, do whatever, but please walk at my pace".
As always, she said "Of course I will", and as always, she got about 10 feet ahead of me. So, I used my first tactic, which was to tell her "You're walking too fast. Don't make me do the thing". She despises "the thing". So she stopped, waited for me to catch up, but then all of a sudden, she's about 30 feet ahead of me. So I was forced to do "the thing", which is yelling at the top of my lungs, with other people around:
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, YOU JUST GO ON AHEAD. I'LL JUST DROP DEAD HERE IN THE PARKING RAMP. WHEN YOU GET TO THE CARDIOLOGY OFFICE, JUST TELL THE RECEPTIONIST THAT I DIED ON THE WAY IN BECAUSE YOU MADE ME WALK TOO FAST. JUST TELL THEM TO LEAVE MY BODY RIGHT HERE, LIKE THEY DO WITH THE PEOPLE WHO DIE ON MT. EVEREST. EITHER THAT, OR HAVE THEM CALL THE MAINTENANCE DEPARTMENT TO COME AND DUMP SOME ASPHALT OVER ME AND THEY CAN USE MY BODY AS A SPEED BUMP. This asshole-ish behavior gets her to slow down, and it's the only thing that gets her to slow down.
Now, I'll tell you about the two "bat signals" that I use at home. The bat signals are something that I have perfected over the years. They are both used when I struggle to get out of bed. In essence, the bat signals are calls for help, like they used to use in the old Batman TV show.
Getting out of bed for me in the morning is my own personal hell on earth. It's frightening, and it's painful. I have to go through a routine to get out of bed, and my wife knows not to be in the same room with me when I am trying to to it, unless I issue a bat signal.
First, I'll do about a 20 minute stretching routine to try to get my back to the point where i know I am going to be able to stand up. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, and when it doesn't, I'll get stuck in a sitting position on the bed, but be unable to stand.
This is when Bat Signal #1 is issued:
I HATE THIS MOTHERFUCKING MATTRESS. WHY DID WE BUY THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT???? EVERY GODDAMN MORNING I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS FUCKING FUCKKKKKKKK...OWWWWWW.....MOTHERFUCKER!!!!
Upon hearing bat signal #1, my wife will calmly walk into the bedroom without saying a word, stand with her back to me, and I will reach up and grab her shoulders and pull myself up while screaming. I then say "thanks" as she calmly walks out of the room. I hobble 10 feet to the bathroom, and by the time I get there, my back is usually fine.
Bat signal #2 has to do with both my back, and my socks.
Occasionally, I will wear socks to bed. Usually, I don't, but sometimes just my feet feel cold, so I'll wear them. For some reason, without fail, always, every single time, my right sock comes off while I'm sleeping. It's always the right one, never the left. So on the occasions where I do not have to issue bat signal #1 because I can manage to get out of bed by myself, my back is still hurting because I haven't walked around yet, because instead, I'm ripping the covers and the sheets completely off the bed while screaming in pain, trying to locate my sock. At this point, bat signal #2 is issued:
HOW CAN A MOTHERFUCKING SOCK JUST FUCKING DISAPPEAR LIKE THAT????? THEY JUST GO POOF AND DISAPPEAR???? DO THEY GO TO SOCK HEAVEN???? WHAT THE FUCK. I HAD TWO SOCKS ON WHEN I CAME TO BED, AND NOW I HAVE ONE SOCK. MAYBE SOME FUCKING ANIMAL GOT IN THE HOUSE AND STOLE MY FUCKING SOCK AND FUCKING ATE THE GODDAMN THING. THAT'S IT!!!! A FUCKING POSSUM SNEAKED IN HERE AND....
At that point, my wife will calmly walk into the bedroom, say "go on, I'll find it", and I'll hobble into the bathroom naked, except for one sock. When I come out of the bathroom, she'll hand me my sock.
The End
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Sorry I'm laughing, but I can't help it. I can see the described scenes perfectly in my mind's eye.
seething..but she knows you are in pain..or are you??? I have had enough bat signals to choke a horse or a man..whom I have driven to his endoscopy last week..and am waiting for batman to call for a pick up after his 1st cataract surgery this morning...I waited in the truck last week..came home today..its ridiculous hot in AZ..
.I have now been transformed into Nurse RATCHET...
Calmly she says, "go on, I'll find it"..
for me... that she is one lucky person... to be married to you! ....but give her a hug anyways because she deserves it
