Some of the burger joints I’ve dined at…
A&W: The Papa Burger is a good serviceable sandwich. The old Teen Burger was, in the 1970s, the best burger on the market, and the Mama Burger was a close second. Now, if you want to partake in the Burger Family a trip to Canada is in the cards. It used to be that the A&W coney dog couldn’t be beat, but the current chili has far too much salt. And if you don’t get the root beer you are a Trump supporter - that’s the best thing on the menu.
Burger King: okay every once in a while, as long as it’s about six months between visits. Serves same tacos as Jack in the Box.
Carls Jr.: I feel like Julius Caesar in History of the World Part 1 when I eat here: nice. Not thrilling, but nice. Hand breaded chicken sandwiches better than burgers. Best tacos of any burger joint.
DQ: This is supposedly just a soft-serve joint, but their Signature Stackburgers are excellent. The Two Cheese - white on top, yellow on the bottom - is a safe choice.
Fatburger: More like Fat Wallet Burger. Extra points for selling chili burgers. The quality justifies the price, which is good because these are expensive.
Five Guys: I have two problems with this chain: the buns fall apart from all the toppings, and a small order of fries feeds three people. Nice taste. Kinda expensive.
The Habit Burger Grill: not bad, but expensive as fuck - way more than the quality justifies.
Hardee’s: This chain and Carl’s Jr. belong to the same holding company so they should be the same, but Hardee’s is better. I wish they would bring back the roast beef, which is what Arby’s is still trying to do. Also, they had the best fried chicken in fast food.
In-n-Out: These are okay. They don’t measure up to the hype…but FFS they could be charcoal grilling Wagyu beef and adding aged Vermont cheddar and they wouldn’t live up to the hype surrounding this place. It’s a hamburger, not an object of veneration.
Jack in the Box: The only time I eat Jack is when I’m in Seattle and it’s the only thing open. Kudos to their “munchie meals” designed by potheads for potheads. Serves tacos that violate the Geneva Convention.
Krystal: Serves sliders. These are better than White Castles. I am sorta nostalgic for these: at Fort Campbell when we ran overnight missions we’d send someone to the Krystal stand on Fort Campbell Boulevard for 50 of them.
McDonald’s: Dissing Mickey D’s is The Cool Thing To Do, but the Big Mac is the platonic ideal of fast food burgers. What I wish they’d do is bring the McTeri from McDonald’s Hawaii to the mainland - those are excellent. Best fast food fries and best Coke in the industry.
Shake Shack: I have Shake Shack every time I go to New York. These burgers are supposedly made from the finest burger blend known to man, but they taste like every other quality burger to me. Not really worth the money.
Sonic: this is a GREAT place for dessert, and the whole 1950s drive in vibe is really cool. These don’t change the fact their burgers have no flavor whatsoever.
Super Duper Burger: these things are fucking unbelievable. Let’s put it this way: if you are trying to decide whether to put your company in SFO or Boston, put it in SFO because Boston doesn’t have Super Duper Burger. (The flip side is SFO doesn’t have lobster rolls. Decisions, decisions…) Unfortunately, San Francisco is the only place they are.
Teddy’s Bigger Burgers: Totally worth going to Hawaii for, and you have to because that’s where they are.
Wendy’s: One Wendy’s Baconator contains enough grease to run a railroad for six months, the fuckers sell chili and hamburgers and haven’t figured out yet that chili is good on burgers, but other than that Wendy’s is a respectable cheap burger joint. Love the Frosty. One of the few national chains that isn’t making fake Big Macs.
Whataburger: I have eaten this three times in my life. If they moved closer to where I am I’d go there a lot because these taste really good, but there’s no fucking way in Hell I am going all the way to Texas just to eat burgers.
White Castle: they made a whole movie about two guys going to this establishment. I don’t really see the attraction. Krystal is better.
So…Krystal mostly for the nostalgia, Super Duper and Teddy’s if you’re where they are…and Wendy’s everywhere else.
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