This is a tough one! Had lunch with a friend yesterday whose mother suffers from dementia.

[Floyd R. Turbo]

A couple of years ago she decided that she wanted to live close to her grandson (my friend’s son) who lives halfway across the country. There was no dissuading her so her grandson created a living space in his home for her and she moved in.

After six months she wanted to move in with my friend. Again she was moved cross country.

Since moving in with my friend and his wife, his mother won’t allow anyone but him to take her anywhere. His business requires that he be available to his clients from early morning until late evening.

Additionally she insists that she stay in her own home during the day, so her takes her over in the morning and picks her up in the late afternoon.

She won’t hear of assisted living and shuts down when the subject is brought up.

My friend is at his wits end.

[Historic NY]

1. Is there an adult protective service around?

[Floyd R. Turbo]

2. I'm not sure.

[bucolic_frolic]

3. It's a phase.

Make a big deal of bringing in Home Companion agency, just for a consult. Intro her to other people in the house. Consult also a local Elder Day Care, and ask if they have a trial visit for the mom, or ask if they have any outpatient visits. Start her toward socialization with these folks. Most elders are eventually ok with day care, but some it's a no-go from the start. Sometimes, due to the dementia, they can be persuaded the day care needs them to attend to help with tasks, like sorting envelopes or coupons or the mail. And they get lunch!

Fierce independence is to be admired. But it won't always be such, and eventually it won't meet the needs of the patient any more.

[Floyd R. Turbo]

4. Good idea.

[livetohike]

5. Thank you for these suggestions. My m-i-l is nearly

96, has dementia and lives 100 miles from us in her own home. She won’t hear of moving out, or having someone come in. My husband is the only sibling caring for her.

[bucolic_frolic]

8. YVW. Local Area Agency on Aging will know of Elder Day Care, as will hospitals & senior groups

There is also a national toll-free hotline for Alzheimers organization with local referrals. Help is out there.

[JudyM]

6. You could post in DU's Elder Caregivers group for more insights

Depending on her level of dementia, there comes a time (maybe now) when your friend will need to find a way to make hard choices for her, softening the blow. Sometimes visiting adult daycare facilities or assisted living facilities can make them feel like a more friendly place…

[Floyd R. Turbo]

7. Thanks

[SharonClark]

9. I feel sorry for your friend and his wife.

At some point they need to say NO to her, just as they would a dependent child who makes poor decisions.

Your friend has work and his own mental health to consider. Allowing her dementia to control his life is very sad.

[Akoto]

10. I would keep trying to persuade on assisted living. I was surprised by it.

My grandmother, while not having dementia, hit a point after needing a hip replacement where it wasn't exactly safe for her to live alone. She agreed willingly to go into assisted living.

I thought when I first went to see her and her new surroundings that it would be a terribly depressing thing, but it wasn't. She was basically living in a very nice apartment, and she had freedom to wander the facility as she liked. They always had activities going all over, movies on a big screen to watch together, etcetera. It was really nice.

Of course, dementia does make these things tougher. My grandmother did develop dementia toward the very end of her life (she really just refused to die, lived an extraordinarily long life), and that creates stubbornness at first. It's understandable. You're still 'there' enough to realize that you are losing control, and being asked to give up more of it. It's scary. Patience but persistence.