Nobody has a better calcium score than I do. The doctors were all amazed. This is the best...

[NNadir]

...calcium score they've ever seen. People are saying that they've never seen a calcium score like mine. Believe me, this is a very great calcium score. The crowds that gathered to check out my calcium score were the biggest crowds that ever gathered in the radiology department. It's a covfefe calcium score.

The degenerative changes to my spine are fake news.

The 4 mm lung nodule is the very, very, very, very best nodule. Nobody has a better nodule than mine. I know more about the nodules than the doctors do. It's a very good lung. I have the best lungs. It's natural that women are attracted to my lungs.

People are saying that I had a CT scan, and it's the best CT scan that anyone has ever had.

Sigh...

At least my doctor has the privilege of knowing he's not Trump's doctor.

[femmedem]

1. I hope your lung nodule is among the vast majority that are benign.

And that your spinal degeneration isn't causing you much pain.

That would really be the best, nonfake news.

[NNadir]

2. It's nothing. Maybe I'll look again next year.

The spinal degeneration is unsurprising, it's a manageable pain; aspirin, my favorite drug ever, works just fine.

For the last 40 years, every time someone looks at my EKG, they freak out. I've been dragged to ICU because of it; in my thirties people thought I was having a major heart attack pushed me on a Gurney and rushed me up to ICU because I had a few palpitations. (Too much coffee apparently.) I've been talked into major diagnostic procedures many times, at times it got expensive, everything from echos, to stress tests right up to and including angiograms.

I tell them I've been through this before, and still they insist.

I don't know when this Ca CT became available. I already told my doctor I am never going for another heart test, but when it became apparent that I was no longer tolerating statins, I agreed to take a look, after checking out the costs with my insurance. (Cheap.) I'm in the better 65% percentile for my age.

When I was in my thirties, at the angiogram, the doctor - she had the worst bedside manner - told me, "Sir, you're going to die, but... ....whenever you do, it won't be from heart disease. You have the heart of a nineteen year old."

Now I have a normal heart and now I know it. They can take all future tests and shove 'em. Something will get me, but my heart is not it.

The report says the nodule is there, but my doctor's email said, "If you want, we'll look at it next year." I'm fine with that.

[Turbineguy]

3. As Rodney Dangerfield said,

"Doctor, is my heart strong enough for sex?"

"As long as you don't participate!"