Problem at home - got advice?

[Not Heidi]

My wife and I share a four-bedroom house with my sister and her 34-year-old daughter, whom I'll call Carol. Carol has ADHD and severe - severe - anxiety disorder and maybe some undiagnosed problems. She's incapable of working outside the home.

My niece has only two chores.

One is to take out the trash/recycling and to take the bins to and from the curb each week. The other is to care for our five cats. This includes feeding them and keeping their water fountain clean and filled. It includes keeping the litter boxes clean. It includes cleaning up where a cat has vomited or has voided outside a box. Finally, it includes administering meds when they're required.

The only thing Carol keeps up with without being told is taking out the bins, the 5:00 pm canned feeding and the meds. She doesn't even keep the kibble dishes filled and she doesn't keep their water fountain clean and filled. (We others will add water to the fountain.)

She does not scoop regularly - not even once a day - and she lets "accidents" sit for a day or two or three before cleaning them up. I'm talking about bodily waste out in the open.

The house stinks all the time because of these things. My other sister won't visit. We can't have impromptu visitors.

I sometimes ask Carol why she doesn't do things without being asked. She responds: "Executive dysfunction." Unfortunately it, like ADHD, is a family trait.

Do you have any advice? Ideas? Similar experience?

[Skittles]

1. may I ask

if this gal is incapable of taking care of the cats, why isn't someone else doing it? I know it sucks but it doesn't seem fair to the cats at all

[SmittyWerben]

5. This

Change what she does or even decrease what she does. Understand that ADHD and crippling anxiety are real and that possibly the best thing for all involved is a reevaluation of what she can do versus what she is being told to do. I recommend a change in approach, talk to her mental health professional about goals and real expectations. If she does not have a mental health professional, get one, it will help all of you.

[2naSalit]

18. +1

[Not Heidi]

8. Good question, Skittles

I talk to my sister about this frequently. Her response is that Carol has to do something, and since she claims to be the big cat lover,* this should be her primary chore.

I myself would be the one to take over these duties, and I wouldn't mind it.

You've given me food for thought. I'm rather embarrassed that I didn't think to ask this question myself.

[Skittles]

14. I never understood the big deal with the litter box

it literally takes a couple of minutes to clean

heck, even with six cats and three litter boxes at the farm I had it all done in a few minutes!

definitely take over that duty and see if you can come up with other responsibilities for Carol

[BlackSkimmer]

22. This.

A good question.

[LakeArenal]

2. Hire part time help.

[Not Heidi]

9. If only. $$

Thanks, though.

[LakeArenal]

10. There must be groups that help disabled with household tasks.

Maybe I’m mean but I wouldn’t live in a cat waste smelling house. Especially if I was a fastidious cat.

[Not Heidi]

16. I can't imagine

how lousy it must be for the cats.

Thanks for the tip.

[KPN]

3. More Qs than advice. How long has this been going on? Do you own the

house? Are you jointly renting? How is your wife handling this? Is it affecting your marital relationship?

[Not Heidi]

11. answers

Last edited Mon Aug 1, 2022, 02:32 PM - Edit history (1)

At least as long as we've all lived together - six years.

We rent jointly.

My wife gets pretty angry regularly at Carol's inattentiveness to her chores - but only expresses it to me. So yes, it affects our relationship. It's hard to respond to her for a number of reasons, primarily that she sometimes takes comments as criticism or, worse, contradiction. That makes her even angrier.

[Goonch]

4. How to Manage Executive Function Problems

https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/executive-function

[Not Heidi]

28. Goonch, I can't thank you enough for this.

It gives me ideas to discuss with Carol, but more, it helps me. I too endure this weird malady I only heard of a couple of years ago.

So thanks!

[Goonch]

32. 😘🖖

[Raven123]

6. Not familiar with the problem, but how about setting alarms as reminders

[Not Heidi]

12. All of us

have made that suggestion several times. She's consistent with it for a few days at most, then back to the old habits.

[Raven123]

20. If she has a cellphone, could it not be programmed?

If understand the issue correctly, she needs “push” notifications.

[Not Heidi]

27. I'd love it if I could find a way to send her push notifications.

Do you - does anyone - know if that is possible to do, from my phone to hers?

Of course I could set text messages on a timer.

[Raven123]

31. Some phones, such as iphones, have an alarm feature that you can program

Don’t know your specific situation. Would she allow you to create those on her phone?

The text message option works too.

Of course this requires her to have her cellphone close by all day, which many people do already

[Bluethroughu]

7. Yes.

Write it down specifically with a check box so she can mark off the chores as she is done.

1. 7am check garbage and recycle to dump
Cart to street if garbage day

2. 7:15am rinse water dish and add water to cats bowl kibble to
the feeding dish and distribute meds

3. 7:30am Quick scoop of litter or replace or refresh litter

4. 7:45am Quick run throughout home for clean up of
accidents

5. 6pm check water bowls and kibble

6. 6:15pm Quick run throughout house for accident clean
up

I have a twenty three year old that I have to keep organized because of Executive Functioning due to ADHD. She has learned to cope through personal calander with tasks. She is finishing her Bachlor degree, working part time and living life.

She had horrible anxiety until she wrote it all down in her calander.

[Not Heidi]

13. Blue, I think that's a stellar idea.

I'll raise it next time she and I are talking about stuff, which we do more frequently lately than I thought possible. (Carol lives in her bedroom and comes out for chores and food.)

[Bluethroughu]

21. I hope it works out okay.

I know how frustrating it can be for all parties envolved, but after tempers flair a bit over here, there's an understanding we're all in this together and solutions over resentments work best.

I recommend going for ice cream and conversation after. It cools the beast within us all.

[Not Heidi]

26. Oh, lord, would she go for ice cream. She might even leave the house.

But she'd feel ambushed by the talk and shut down.

I've been sleeping in the living room for the last few months. Carol is up all hours. She'll come out to get something to eat or to give Maggie meds. I have insomnia. We talk some at most times like this, but it's largely about things she's seen on the 'net. We share politics, but she doesn't seem interested in discussing them. We talk about movies she likes: Marvel and anime. (Fortunately I dig brief escapism: I like Marvel, too. I am Groot.)

She has never opened up to me. What I wouldn't give for her to do that.

It won't be hard to find time to talk with her, in a setting in which she won't feel ambushed.

[Totally Tunsie]

15. Is there someone else at home with Carol during the day?

If so, can you perhaps swap her chores: Make the cats another's responsibility, and have Carol handle less critical things like washing/folding laundry, emptying dishwasher, prepping food items for dinner? Maybe it's the nature of the cat chores that she doesn't like and thus elects not to do. (I have a sis-in-law like this - she conveniently "forgets" that which she chooses not to do.)

Does she have a talent or passion that can be utilized for the family's comfort and needs? If there's something she loves that can be helpful to the household, it wouldn't seem like such a chore to her.

You sound very patient with her.

[Not Heidi]

25. I'm working on a chore swap -

but it's only in my head so far. I might talk to my sister about this: I'll do cat cleanup & boxes if Carol'll do my & my wife's laundry. Don't know if it'll sail.

Carol is like your SIL in this: when the dishwasher & counters were her responsibility, she had excuse after excuse for why she couldn't do it. As long as I've lived with her (six+ years) she never did kitchen work consistently. My sister solved that problem by taking over.

If *only* she had a passion! I'd give my eyeteeth to see her excited about something and get busy with it.

I am patient because the alternative isn't in my nature.

[Ziggysmom]

17. Is Carol able to do things she enjoys? Does she go out or spend time with friends, hobbies

or anything? If she has "Selective" inability to do things, we'll...... sounds like a little slacking. Had a friend who used depression as an excuse not to work, but amazingly she was not depressed when it came time for travel, shopping, sports games etc... Seems like taking out trash bins is more physical work than caring for cats and also entails going outside. Hard to say what is up without knowing her. Good luck and hope things improve for you and the kitties.

[Not Heidi]

23. the only thing I know she enjoys is -

nope. I honestly don't know. AFAIK surfing ('net), eating, and sleeping are all Carol does, shut into her bedroom as she stays. She says she likes to draw. Her anxiety prevents her from going out. She has no friends to speak of. She's close to her brother and cousin but they don't live here and rarely come over. I'm having a 60th bd bash next year, here at home, and she won't be attending. She'll be in her room. The only place she'll go is the doctor if absolutely (necessary), and out to eat if it's to a place she'll feel safe. She has a psychiatrist to whom she speaks - once every three months - remotely. She won't go to therapy. Taking out the trash, and bins once a week, is the most she goes outside.

Thanks for your reply and for your good wishes.

[dlk]

19. Those with developmental disabilities are very challenging to live with

Instituting natural and logical consequences could help alleviate the situation. It's not easy--I've been there. It's a constant power struggle and they can be masters at passive-aggressive behavior.

[Not Heidi]

24. Thanks, dlk

I appreciate the insight.

[dlk]

29. Good luck

I wish you the best.

[Not Heidi]

30. Thanks again.

Back atcha, babes.