Funniest Joke You've Ever Heard!

[Honeycombe8]

I'll go first.

I heard this years ago by Rita Rudner on the Letterman show. She said:

I remember a special Christmas, when I was little. The house was all decorated, and the tree touched the ceiling and was covered in tinsel. My sister got shiney new skates. My brother got the train set he'd wanted. And I got a dolly. It was an especially happy Christmas.

After Christmas, Dad decided we'd do an emergency run-through, so we'd all know what to do in case the house ever caught fire. Dad said that Mom would get the baby and go out the front door. My sister was to find my brother, if she could, grab his hand, and both of them escape through the back door. My Dad would make the rounds of the house to make sure everyone was out, and get the important papers. My job was to get the washer and dryer....because I was the one with the dolly.

[applegrove]

1. I like this one - link below:

http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp

[Honeycombe8]

6. That's a good one! nt

[JoePhilly]

8. That is a good one.

[Angleae]

60. It's so good, someone made a video about it.

[applegrove]

65. LOL!

[OriginalGeek]

2. The best part is that

I read that in Rita's voice. I always liked her.

[IggleDoer]

3. Another Rita Rudner joke.

She's sitting in an airliner waiting for the passengers to board. The middle seat is empty. A passenger comes up to her, pointing to the middle seat, and asks if anyone is sitting there.

Rita: "Just Jesus"

The passenger moves on to another row.

[Honeycombe8]

32. Pretty good. I've already told that one to someone. And she laughed. nt

[NightWatcher]

4. A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey is jumping all over the place, eating everything in the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your damn monkey just swallowed the cue ball off my pool table!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "The little bastard eats everything in sight. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he shit out that cue ball, he measures stuff first….."

[hifiguy]

5. More of a performance piece than a joke as such

and it was right here on DU: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=4194452&mesg_id=4194452

If you're destroying Christmas, here's your yard decoration

My store has acrylic polar bears and various kinds of reindeer for outdoor display.

Get one reindeer and about six polar bears.

Lay the reindeer on its side. Then put the polar bears in a ring around the reindeer.

___________



First time I read that I laughed so hard I thought I was going to throw up. Still makes me LOL after all these years - it such a perfect image. That was one hell of a thread.

[madinmaryland]

7. Here you go...

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[Dr. Strange]

25. Alerting.

x 100000

[madinmaryland]

26. For this...

[Dr. Strange]

27. Jack Chick hates you.

[JoePhilly]

9. Here is a good one for a kid to tell.

Kid: What did the grape say when the Elephant stepped on it?

Adult: I don't know, what did the grape say when the Elephant stepped on it?

Kid: Nothing ... its just gave out a little wine.

[eridani]

57. OK. What's purple and commutes?

An Abelian grape.

[SoDesuKa]

69. Object-Oriented Humor

Q. What do you get when you call the speak() method to the cat object?

A. Meow.

[eridani]

70. Good grief! We need a separate thread for geek humor. n/t

[tishaLA]

10. A Bette Midler Sophie Tucker joke...

I was in bed last night with my boyfriend Ernie, and he said to me "Soph, you got no tits and a tight box". I said to him "Ernie...

Get. Off. My. Back!"

[rug]

11. A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

[Honeycombe8]

13. chuckle chuckle chuckle. That's pretty good. nt

[ThoughtCriminal]

19. Flip Wilson's version

[Honeycombe8]

31. Excellente! Thanks for that stroll thru the time tunnel. Esp Carson's reaction. :) nt

[lovemydog]

56. That's not only one of the funniest jokes I've ever heard,

Flip Wilson's delivery is one of the best I've ever seen for a joke. Thanks!

[Rhiannon12866]

71. I actually laughed out loud!

[pinboy3niner]

12. Guy walks into a bar, orders Scotch & water

Second round, he says he'll buy everyone in the house a drink, and tells the bartender to pour himself a drink.

At closing time, guy has no money to pay the tab, bartender throws him out in the alley.

Couple weeks later, guy comes back to the bar, orders Scotch and water, then orders drinks for the house, and tells the bartender to pour himself one, too. End of the night, guy has no money to pay, bartender throws him out in the alley.

After 2 more weeks go by, same guy goes back to the bar, orders Scotch and water. When he orders drinks for everyone in the bar, the bartender says, "Next, I suppose you'll tell me to pour myself a drink."

"No," the guy says. "You get nasty when you drink."

[Honeycombe8]

14. Okay, that's pretty good. I didn't see that punchline coming. nt

[Mac1949]

15. Two hunters are out in the woods...

when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[vanlassie]

18. !!!

gasp

[zanana1]

23. WE HAVE A WINNAH! nt

[Honeycombe8]

30. LOL! nt

[chknltl]

38. loved it, thanks nt

[Kablooie]

49. That was reported as the funniest joke of all time by a study of humor.

Headed up by Richard Wiseman a professor of Psychology in England.

Great website here:

http://richardwiseman.wordpress.com/

[Mac1949]

54. You caught me, I swiped it, but not from Wiseman. The origin of the joke...

was traced back to the Goon Show and specifically to Spike Milligan, my favorite British comedian.

[kwassa]

16. My favorite Rita Rudner joke

They say neurotics build castles in the sky, and psychotics live in them.

My mother cleans them.

[Bertha Venation]

45. Brava!

I love Rita Rudner.

[Bombero1956]

17. a man is in a bar doing shots of tequilla

he gets so drunk that he pukes on his shirt.
He goes up to the bartender and says "I'm in trouble now".
He says "when my wife finds out I drank so much that I puked on my shirt she'll kill me".
The bartender tells him don't worry about it here's what you do.
Take a ten dollar bill and put it in your shirt pocket, then go home to your wife and say some other guy puked on your shirt. the guy says I'm sorry here's ten dollars to have it cleaned.
He says okay I'll try that.
He goes home and tells his wife "I was in the bar and this guy puked on my shirt and gave me this ten dollars here to have it cleaned".
The wife looks and says "he gave you twenty dollars".
The guy says "Oh I forgot to tell you he also shit in my pants".

[pinboy3niner]

20. Who can possibly outdo Tim Conway and the Siamese elephants?

[Bertha Venation]

46. Winner! Everyone: if you haven't watched this vid yet, do watch it.

It is high-fucking-larious.

[avebury]

63. That one is a classic. nt

[pinboy3niner]

21. Best sight gag ever

"I saw it in a window and I couldn't resist."

[Bertha Venation]

47. Yay!

Love it!

[nadine_mn]

22. For me...it's the hotel soap story

http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/soap.asp

[vanlassie]

36. OK this cracked me up so much it took me ten minutes to finish

between the spasms and the tears and having to wipe my eyes so I could continue. Thanks!!! (It's weird to laugh out loud so much when home alone, though!)

[nadine_mn]

40. "who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay"

The first time I read that, I couldn't breath I was laughing so hard. I think about that every time I travel. The dogs look at me weird when I laugh out loud alone...the cat just hides.

Ha!

[sharp_stick]

75. Shelly Berman is a genius

I remember listening to a record of him that a friends father had.

[GaYellowDawg]

24. Here goes...

Man walks into a bar with a paper bag and a massive scowl on his face. He walks up to the bar, slams the bag onto the bar, and orders a double.

Bartender says, "Hey buddy, what's the matter with you?"

Man says, "I just had an encounter with the dumbest genie ever."

Bartender says, "Really? What happened?"

Man says, "I can't explain, so I'll just show you." He reaches into the bag, pulls out a miniature piano, and sets it on the bar. Then he pulls out a little foot-tall guy, who sits down and starts playing up a storm.

Bartender says, "Are you crazy? Do you realize how much money you could make off of this?"

Man says, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

[Honeycombe8]

35. Ha! nt

[eridani]

58. And then there was the genie who had been in the lamp so long that his powers

--were waning. He could only grant one wish. So the maiden lady of a certain age who rubbed the lamp showed him a map of the Middle East and pointed out all the areas where there were serious conflicts.

The genie explained again about weak powers from long disuse, and asked for an easier task.

So the lady asks for a husband--a man who is a brilliant conversationalist, an expert lover, always remembers birthdays and anniversaries, likes all her relatives and helps get the housework done.

And the genie sez "OK, gimme that goddam map again."

[MrScorpio]

28. I once waited on a couple of Catholic priests having dinner in a restaurant…

But instead of recommending a bottle of wine for them, I was tempted to offer them a cub scout.

[mikeargo]

29. Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

He heard the referee was blowing fouls

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

33. Here's a good one:

One day a man walked into a bar. He told the bartender that he didn't have any money. However, he said he would show the bartender something amazing in exchange for a drink. It was a slow day, so the bartender agreed.

The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a frog and a tiny saxophone. He gave the saxophone to the frog. The frog then proceeded to play an incredible jazz solo. Highly impressed, the bartender gave the man a drink.

The man then asked for another drink in exchange for something even more amazing. The bartender agreed. So the man pulled a hamster out of his pocket and set it on the bar. The frog started playing the saxophone again. Then the hamster started singing along. It was a terrific jazz duet. Even more impressed, the bartender gave the man a second drink.

Just then another bar patron rushed up to the man. He offered the man $1,000 for the singing hamster. The man considered it for a moment and then agreed to the deal. The patron paid the man and quickly left with the hamster. After the patron left, the bartender exclaimed, "I can't believe you let a singing hamster go for only $1,000!"

The man replied, "It's no loss to me. The frog is a ventriloquist."

[Honeycombe8]

34. Cute! nt

[trueblue2007]

37. WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.


Dear Mrs. Samuel,


Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's cart when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3... July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMT's were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but certainly not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

[Honeycombe8]

41. Funny! Esp that last one. :) nt

[MrScorpio]

50. This sounds like Skippy's List

Skippy’s List: The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army



Ads by Project Wonderful! Your ad could be here, right now.

A quick note:
I don’t mind if you want to quote a few items from my list of your site. But please do not copy the list in it’s entirety.
Explanations of these events:
a) I did myself, and either got in trouble or commended. (I had a Major shake my hand for the piss bottle thing, for instance.)
b) I witnessed another soldier do it. (Like the Sergeant we had, that basically went insane, and crucified some dead mice.)
c) Was spontaneously informed I was not allowed to do. (Like start a porn studio.)
d) Was the result of a clarification of the above. (“What about especially patriotic porn?”)
e) I was just minding my own business, when something happened. (“Schwarz…what is *that*?” said the Sgt, as he pointed to the back of my car? “Um….a rubber sheep…I can explain why that’s there….”)
To explain how I’ve stayed out of jail/alive/not beaten up too badly….. I’m funny, so they let me live.
The 213 Things….
1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I’m supposed to be working.
2. My proper military title is “Specialist Schwarz” not “Princess Anastasia”.
3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
4. Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don’t like to War Criminal posters.
9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.
10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.
11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party.
12. Not allowed to join any militia.
13. Not allowed to form any militia.
14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!”
16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”.
17. God may not contradict any of my orders.
18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty.
19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I’m right.
20. Must not taunt the French any more.
21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”.
23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they’ve been smoking crack.
24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it’s true.
25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
26. Never tell a German soldier that “We kicked your ass in World War 2!”
27. Don’t tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).
28. Don’t take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.
30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I’m off to meet my maker”)
36. Can’t have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn’t over).
37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.
38. Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins” not “Sugar Daddy”.
39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
40. I do not have super-powers.
41. “Keep on Trucking” is *not* a psychological warfare message.
42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind’s baser instincts in recruitment posters.
43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
44. I am not the atheist chaplain.
45. I am not allowed to “Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy’s little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies”.
46. I am not authorized to fire officers.
47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.
48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.
50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.

http://skippyslist.com/list/

[chknltl]

86. True army story

Last edited Wed Aug 29, 2012, 05:17 AM - Edit history (1)

I was not allowed to have a stuffed Pink Panther doll on my rooms desk. The problem may not have been so much the captains bars placed on it's shoulders, nor the steel tipped dart sticking out of it's nose, no! The problem was it was on my rooms desk during an inspection by my Captain who for some odd reason found the whole thing offensive! I dunno, maybe he thought I was into voodoo or something.

Btw this particular Captain and I ......well we just did not see eye to eye. He hated me....no literally hated me because I was the only one under his command who had a record of drug abuse from before he took over that did not accept a medical discharge that he asked about a dozen of us to take.

I had been off drugs for many months prior and planned on staying in and staying clean. He tried sabotaging me for almost a year before he got me on a technicality. I took a job proficiency test and scored low on a part of that test in an area I was out of practice on, a maintenance of a machine gun that our tanks were not even equipped with any more.

The other 99% of the test consisted of my actual job, I not only passed it, I passed it high enough to earn a special merit comendation! To make a long story short, he used that tiny item as leverage to get me kicked out as incompetent and yet just before transferring out he had to give me an award for being above and beyond competent for everything else related to that very test!

I was good at my job, he knew it and so did everyone else but that flimsy one percent of my job 'obligation' a maintenance procedure in a machine gun that was outdated and nowhere on our base, was his technicality that got me kicked out for incompetence...a General under Honorable Conditions discharge.

I got the last word in though because through assistance from friends in that unit I found myself with a fine job working for the US Army Corps of Engineers within a week of getting out. This Captain was made aware of my new job by my friends back in that unit. That Captain had a fit over this, even contacting Congress members trying to get me fired from that fine job. His company clerk, (a friend of mine) kept me updated to that Captains actions against me both before and after I got out if the army. So I knew in good detail about this Captains actual anger directed my way.

A little history is germain to my story. The founding father of the US Army Corps of Engineers was a man named Montgomery C Meigs. He started the Corps of Engineers back around the time of the Civil War.

So why was my old Captain, the one who did not like my Pink Panther with the Captain Bars and the dart in it's nose so dang upset over my fine new civilian job? Well this angry Captain's name was Montgomery C. Meigs the 3rd! He is a retired General now. I hold him no grudges, hopefully he has forgotten my name.

[MrScorpio]

87. That was a great story

Thanks very much

[chknltl]

89. And thank you very much Mr. Scorpio

Thank you for reading it.
c

[baldguy]

39. Wenn ist das Nunnstück git und Slotermeyer?

Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

[Honeycombe8]

42. Perfect! Ja! nt

[progressoid]

43. Buddy Hackett via Franken via Letterman

[vanlassie]

44. Ha! Ha! Thanks for that!

[progressoid]

52. If memory serves, Al tells it a little differently on his audio book, "Oh, the Things I Know!"

Still makes me smile.

[benld74]

48. Great never heard that one!

[kwassa]

51. I encountered Buddy Hackett in a men's suit store

A huge store on a hot Sunday afternoon in Los Angeles. He and I were the only customers. We were shopping in different sections because, well, we were different sizes. I think he was in portly short.

the store:


They were famous for the local TV commercials in Los Angeles; I can't find any on YouTube or anywhere else! Delivered in a heavy Bronx accent by Eddie ....

[lovemydog]

55. Was he wearing a plaid sportcoat?

I don't know why but that's how I picture Buddy Hackett.

[Bertha Venation]

78. I vaguely remember those commercials

and definitely remember the name "Zachary All."

[kwassa]

79. Frank Zappa wrote a song inspired by the commercial

called "Eddie, are you kidding?" which was the tag-line in the owner's commercials.

a bit of store history with Buddy Hackett in it.

http://articles.latimes.com/2006/feb/28/local/me-nalbandian28

And the store got bigger and bigger, as Zachary All expanded, ultimately growing to half a block long.

In the beginning, Nalbandian devoted part of the store to custom tailoring. "He did a lot of personal work, and then it got to be too much," said his wife. "Those people who want custom tailoring are very fussy."

For the right Hollywood customer, he would pull out a needle and thread.

"Maybe Buddy Hackett would come in, he'd do alterations because [the comedian's] weight fluctuated," she said. "He did a special tuxedo for Cary Grant. Eddie loved Cary Grant; they were good friends."

[Submariner]

53. Submarine service joke

Had me ROFLMAO when I first heard it.

Command Master Chief Selection

A young Navy Officer was in a car accident, but due to the heroics of another young officer the only permanent injury was to both ears, which subsequently were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. He remained, however, very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the new Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the Command Master Chief position. The first Master Chief was a Surface warfare type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The Surface Warfare Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tack and threw him out of his office.

The second interview was with a Aviation Master Chief and he was even better than the first Master Chief, with a much better personnel file. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The Aviation Master Chief replied, "Well yes. You have no ears." The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with a Submarine Master Chief. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the other two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything differently about me?"

To his surprise the Submarine Master Chief said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly observant Master Chief, and he didn't mention my ears.

"And how do you know that?", the Admiral asked.

The Submarine Master Chief replied, "Well it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears."

[eridani]

59. After Noah's ark landed, all the pairs of animals--

--got busy reproducing except for the snakes. But Noah figured out what to do about that. He cut down some saplings and lashed them together to make a rough table, and put the snakes on it. Sure enough, they got busy producing the next generation. Which just goes to show that even adders can multiply if you give them log tables.

[Rincewind]

61. My all time favorite joke:

Mickey Mouse is talking to a lawyer: lawyer " I'm sorry Mickey, but, you can't divorce Minnie just because she's crazy." Mickey: " I didn't say she's crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy."

[avebury]

62. K&R nt

[lunatica]

64. The Aristocrats

I never laughed so hard in my life as when I watched this. Side splitting, rib bruising, body hugging, unable to breath laughing.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0436078/

[Paladin]

66. I Never Thought I'd Consider Gilbert Gottfried To Be A Hero....

....but his version of that joke at the end of the movie, told to a New York audience in desperate need of a laugh, right after 9/11, elevated him to hero status, as far as I'm concerned......

[lunatica]

67. I agree. He became my hero when I saw that too

I've never laughed so hard in my life. It's the kind of joke that you start laughing when it starts and it just gets funnier and funnier and you laugh harder and harder until you're writhing in agony at the pain in your body.

That's one of my fondest memories.

[Paladin]

73. Half The Audience Was Laughing......

....and the other half was crying. I've never seen anything like it before or since....

[Zorro]

68. I think this one is pretty funny

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?' All the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn' t belong to them?' Half the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'

Six altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

[ashling]

72. Donald Rumsfeld is giving GW his daily briefing

you know the rest

[mykpart]

74. OK, another Rita Rudner joke:

"My friend was in labor for 23 hours. I don't want to do something that feels GOOD for 23 hours."

[sharp_stick]

76. More Story Than Joke

but still damned funny. I have no idea where it originated and I can't even remember how it found it's way to me.

/start

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$@$%!@ *!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like he**!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return

[Honeycombe8]

81. LOL! nt

[UrbScotty]

77. Bush, Cheney, and the dying priest

A priest lay dying in a hospital.

For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see George W. Bush and Dick Cheney before I die," said the priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to the White House and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Bush and Cheney would be delighted to visit the Priest.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Bush's hand in his right hand and Cheney's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally President Bush spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

The old priest continued... "He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

[Burma Jones]

80. Knock Knock. Who's There? Smell Mop.......................

Maybe not the Funniest Joke, but the funniest Knock Knock I ever heard.......

[Honeycombe8]

82. I don't get it. ? nt

[nadine_mn]

84. The response would be "Smell Mop who"?

As in ... Smell My poo

[jmowreader]

83. A Rottweiler owner goes to a bar...

bringing the dog with him. As they walked in, the bartender told him no dogs were allowed. So he tied it to the bike rack outside.

Ten minutes later a guy comes in. "Who owns the big dog tied up outside?"

The Rottweiler guy stands up..."It's mine. Why?"

"Come quick! My teacup poodle is killing him?"

"How could a teacup poodle kill a Rottweiler?"

"It's stuck in his throat."

[RetroGamer1971]

85. My entry into Jokeland.

Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducked.

[Stake]

88. buddy, you twisted her inside out!

I wanted to buy a rubber girl and you sold me a rubber man with a tail and a cigar in his mouth?
buddy, you twisted her inside out!