The Ransom of Orange Chief: A Quora post that continues to delight

[jmowreader]

On April 21, I was asked this question on Quora: "What would happen if former President Trump was kidnapped and arrested by a nation enemy of the United States? Would the White House do anything? Would it be a problem for National Security?" This is my answer:

Day 1:
“Hello, this is the president of Berzerkistan. We have your former President Trump. He is alive and unharmed. If you ever want to see him alive again, deliver One Million Ounces of Gold to the Prime Minister of Vietnam. After the gold is safely in our hands, we will return Former President Trump to you.”
“Hello, this is President Joe Biden. It is the policy of the United States never to negotiate with terrorists. We will not pay a million ounces of gold to get Donald Trump back.”

Day 3:
“Hello President Biden? This is still the president of Berzerkistan. Your Former President Trump is truly a pain in the ass, but we still have the upper hand by retaining him here. As a gesture of goodwill, we now demand One Thousand Ounces of Gold for his safe return.”
“Good morning, President of Berzerkistan. We still don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Day 5:
“Hello President Biden? Look, we’ll give the motherfucker back for free. What do you say?”
“Nope. We still don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Day 7:
“President Biden, I know that you are a good humanitarian man. My entire army has defected so they don’t have to watch Trump. What would it take for us to be rid of this worthless piece of shit?”
“Look pal, you took him. He’s yours.”

Day 9:
“I beg of you, President Biden. PLEASE come get this bastard. The little prick has started holding MAGA rallies in the town square. Only five people in the entire country speak English so no one knows what the hell he is saying, but we’re quickly running out of eggs and tomatoes.”
“Nope. We don’t care what happens to him as long as it’s in your country. Deal with the mess you made yourself.”

Day 11:
“Look asshole, I gave you guys plenty of chances to take this worthless fuck. Now you’re going to pay the penalty.”
“You and whose army? Remember, yours all left the country in the middle of the night thanks to you taking Trump for yourself.”

Day 13:
A very large box arrives at the FedEx terminal in Baltimore, MD. It is addressed to President Biden. When opened, Trump is in there. He was shipped with fifty pounds of whatever passes for a Big Mac in Berzerkistan, and a 55-gallon drum of Diet Coke. President Biden, with a flourish, writes the sacred inscription “return to sender” on the box and puts it back on the plane himself.

Day 15:
The president of Berzerkistan files charges against President Biden in the International Criminal Court, alleging that the return of Donald Trump to Berzerkistan violates the Laws of Land Warfare, nineteen different environmental laws and four laws banning crimes against humanity. President Biden relents and offers to pay return postage if they address the box “General Delivery, Point Barrow, Alaska.”