I feel like doing a little writing. I hope you all feel like doing a little reading.
I've got the Devin Townsend Project running through the headphones as I type this. Thanks to the DUer who recommended the band. I bought all five of his albums that under that name. That's my kind of stuff. Recommend some new music for us if you reply to this thread.
It's been a while since I just sat down to write something for the fun of it. I've been so busy with school and work that I've had little time for anything else. But now I have some time and I have my music and I have my beer. And I've got an urge to get some words down.
I was reading up on Devin Townsend on his web site. He goes through all of the albums and gives you a brief glimpse of what was going on during their creation and tells you exactly what the main themes of the albums are. I found some similarities between Devin and myself. We are both 40. He doesn't come right out and state it, but he appears to have bipolar disorder as do I. We both have used drugs in the past to self medicate. And we both have had an interest in religion and spirituality in general.
You may have seen my post from earlier today about me seeing my psychiatrist. I had sort of accepted the idea of being in treatment for the rest of my life from the beginning of my treatment. It was easy to do back then because it was saving my life. I had just spent ten years in torment...I mean, just a hellish experience. So I'd pretty much do what I had to to keep from having that happen again, and I have.
For ten years I have been a model psychiatric patient. I always take my medication. I haven't tried to stop taking the medication. I haven't been hospitalized. I'm always on time to see my doctor. I never skip an appointment. I've done things to improve my health and my life. I've worked through all of this. I've paid for everything.
I guess you could say that after twenty years of dealing with this illness half without meds and half with, I was ready to try something new. The doctor said stay the course.
I know he's right. It's a life long illness. No one is cured. The symptoms are just treated.
The problem is that I know that one of the meds I'm taking is slowing down the activity in my brain. I think I could pick up on things quicker at school if I didn't have to take a high dosage of that drug. I would have more energy and it would be easier to lose weight. My whole body would work faster. I wouldn't require as much sleep. I would be more interesting. I would be more upbeat.
Can I have my mania back, please? Yeah, that's right. I'll have the mania hold the psychosis.
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I don't know you. Not one bit in real time. But through your stories and other bits of yourself you've shared here, it seems as though the meds have produced one helluva guy.
I've watched in awe, nay, jealousy as you appear to have your. shit. together.
You have done so much more than any of us I'd guess, and I am shocked you think you aren't "quick" or energetic. If your life feels "slow" to you, let me tell you - its damn amazing to me.
Whatever shakes out between you and your doc, I hope you please keep writing it down for the rest of us in this little community. Its inspiring actually.
Cheers!
You made me smile this evening. 
Now, that would be something to see!
You look great, you sound great........I do hear ya, though.
... to solve some problem (usually computer programming) as the world collapsed around me.
Unfortunately that kind of focus, that monomania, was the reason my world was collapsing around me.
Good luck!!!
I don't know what else to tell you, Tobin, except that with me the very first thing that flies out the window is my ability to judge my own mental state. That scares me a lot. I've walked through some very dark places.
I've done some reckless med changes too because I wasn't liking the side effects.
I can't say right now if what I've got now is "good enough," it may not be, but what you've got sounds pretty darn good to me.
