Would you sacrifice a career opportunity for love?

[alarimer]

This is tangentially related to the post a week or so about my recent break-up. But what I am asking is more of a general question. I want to know if I am completely off-base in my approach to love and commitment and careers.

I am of the personal opinion that one should never give up anything important for the sake of another person, unless circumstances are very dire (illness, bad injury or the like). I'm talking about career-level importance, not hanging out at the bar or something like that.

I'm struggling with the notion that I have been unwilling to sacrifice for love. And I've always been this way; it's not new with recent events. For example, I would never have dated anyone in the military because I would have been expected to move to follow them around the country or world, no matter my career goals at the time. I've always hated the idea that women (especially) are STILL expected to take a backseat to the man's ambitions. Now, I have not personally encountered this expectation from the guys I dated. I do prefer feminists on the whole. Even my most recent ex appeared at least to be supportive of my goals. I do now wonder how sincere he really was, but that's not the point of this post. I'm not seeking advice; I'm seeking opinions on the general nature of sacrifice in terms of relationships. How much is too much and what is too little?

Some people have a tendency to completely abandon their own identities in relationships (I am not one of them- in fact that is one of my biggest fears relating to commitment), while others may do the opposite. So I am asking, where does that balance fall? Or where should, ideally?

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. The balance falls wherever you want it to.

I know that's not what you want to hear, but I believe it to be the truth.

I truly believe that when you meet someone that you know you want to spend the rest of your life with, that all else falls away, and the commitment is easily made. That's how it was for me, anyway...

I hope this is helpful.

[alarimer]

2. Yes, I've been googling the question and this answer is what usually comes up first.

Partly my own hesitation stems from watching my own mother be unhappy all my life. She is very smart; there are a lot of things she could have done, but she gave up everything for us. And we were not better off because of it, not at all. That's probably an extreme example. And of course, it was a long time ago, when options for women were limited anyway. Still it makes me sad to think of it. I suppose my own ambition also stems from that experience and being a feminist as well.

[HipChick]

3. I observed the same thing with my mother..

only myself and my brother have been successfully...my older brother and sister are still trying to find themselves. BTDT - not doing it again, I lost a lot of myself and back steps in my career..My ex is in Australia, I refused to move there with him,in a way, maybe I have just grown too selfish to do it again...

[Lex]

4. I wouldn't totally sacrifice my financial well-being for someone else. BUT

for someone I was crazy about, and felt very sure about their own similar feelings for me, I would make adjustments to where I lived, and I would make career adjustments that might not be 100% in my favor. I wouldn't get into a situation where I "completely abandon my own identity" or, as I stated above, sabotaged my ability to take care of myself financially.

So I guess it's a balance depending on what the particular choices are.

[alarimer]

5. I think this is where I fall too.

It's a negotiation, basically. But I have a deep-seated fear of loss of identity for some reason, even though I doubt the sort of thing that happened to my mother would happen to me.

[dawg]

6. Yes, I would sacrifice career opportunities for love.

But I am a very stupid man, and have proven so on more than one occasion.

[Curmudgeoness]

7. I did.

Had a great job at a large corporation with lots of opportunity. Fell in love with a guy who was moving to Houston from PA. I decided to go with him.

Don't do it.

[alarimer]

8. I didn't.

It's not that I'm rethinking my decision. No, the job is much better than what I had.

No, this is based on what I've seen in my own family and just for future reference I suppose.

For over a year, my ex and I saw each other only on weekends. He had taken a job in San Antonio, a place I was never in love with. I looked for work there or nearby but never found anything (I'm a marine biologist, so that may be why. San Antonio not being noted for its beaches). He wanted to get married (that's a whole other topic for discussion), but I felt we had to wait until I found a job. I interviewed all over the place. Marine biology jobs are few and far between and, as it happens, usually located in crappy small towns away from culture. So here I am in North Carolina. I wonder to myself if I should have quit my job and moved to San Antonio to be with him. I simply could not bring myself to do it. It may have been that we simply weren't right. Or, more troublesome to me, I might not be the kind of person who could make that sort of sacrifice, ever.

So I was just curious what people thought generally about this.

[Curmudgeoness]

10. Being alone doesn't suck.

That mistake I made with "love" was the first and last one. Not to say I have been a nun, but I have never been looking for another relationship again. And it is all good. I enjoy my life and my freedom. I do what I want, and don't do what I don't. So....if it doesn't ever happen for you, it is not the end of the world.

Besides, why should you be the one who makes the sacrifices? I believe that if the whole relationship mattered enough to him, you would not have to make these decisions.

Oh, and yes, San Antonio sucks.

[alarimer]

12. There may be a lot of reasons why things didn't work out.

That may be just one of them.

I know compromise is important in relationships and I was just wondering how much is too much.

Quitting my job to be with someone is too much for me. And moving out here was too much for him. So there we are.

It's time to move on for sure. I'm just trying to figure out the future. I think I do want a relationship, but I don't know at what price.

[southerncrone]

17. There are some terrific guys in NC.

Since marine biology limits your career locations, look for the jewel on the beach where you live. Perhaps it's another marine biologist.

I am much older than you, & I DID sacrifice my career for love. Biggest mistake of my life! We have 2 beautiful, grown, successful children & I am still with him. (Too much to loose after all these yrs.--would be financial suicide for both of us) However, I was not able to regain a position anywhere near the level I had. (We live in his small hometown.) I am now looking for a new job after raising the kids & becoming a teacher (recently took early retirement so I could re-begin again in a career that appreciates my efforts--financially & otherwise.) I am now 56 & it's an up-hill battle. I will probably never attain the level of career success I would have had I not made that sacrifice. OTOH, I was there for my kids, which cannot be replaced by anyone. It is a very difficult decision for women. Men typically don't have to make such choices.

My heart goes out to you, but in the end YOU have to decide what is best for YOU. If you don't want kids, the choice will be much easier. Good Luck.

[alarimer]

20. I'm a little bit afraid of going on OKCupid or one of those sites and meeting someone from work!

Or someone I already know. For some reason I'm paranoid about that. It is a very small town. Not that I would limit it to only people who live here by any means. I'm close to larger towns and only 60 miles from the beach. If my job paid more, I'd commute from the beach, but that isn't an option currently.

I don't have kids, nor do I want them. That was a conscious decision I made years ago, so I was never particular pressured by my biological clock to settle down.

[southerncrone]

22. I wouldn't advise dating anyone from "work"

or online. Call me old-fashion, but some companies have policies against it & for good reason. It can make for "problems" in the workplace if things don't end well. And online just seems too risky.

Usually the really good connections happen when you are not looking at all! Why not try the local Democratic Party? At least you will start out w/ something in common. There are options to meet others in the state through that avenue as well. Or some other group or club? Do you snorkel or scuba dive....what w/being a marine biologist? Lots of opportunities to meet guys there.

[alarimer]

24. No, I wouldn't actually date them.

I'm just afraid I might see them on those sites. Or they would see me. For some reason, I'm slightly embarrassed to use them. I do intend to join some clubs. I already have actually.

[HopeHoops]

9. I've done that three times. I'm still married to my babe.

[Lady Freedom Returns]

11. I did. Now I am trying to work at getting it back

Do I love my husband? Yes. But giving up what I truly wanted has hurt me bad. That is a sacrifices I would never ask of anyone.

[southerncrone]

13. Same here, LFR.

Not so easy to regain in today's world at 56.

Would I do it again? Probably not.

[TuxedoKat]

38. Same here

I hear you -- I'm in the same boat. Gave up three different careers. Now planning to get back to work, it's scary, but I'm hopeful.

[southerncrone]

39. Best of luck to ALL of us here trying to "start over"!

[alarimer]

14. What it comes down to is that I can't ask someone to do something I would not do myself.

I think that's all anybody can do.

[riderinthestorm]

15. Didn't your ex have a child he wasn't willing to leave?

Now THAT'S important and definitely a relationship buster as the parent has to prioritize their child. A career falls somewhere behind that particular obligation and that line is different for everyone.

[alarimer]

16. No, they're all grown.

I don't know his particular reasons. It never came down to that anyway, since he met someone else. So that is kind of a moot point.

I'm just trying to figure out if I am an outlier in my attitude, which is that I wanted him to move out to be with me (eventually, after finding a suitable job) while I was not willing to do the same (though the jobs for me were not available).

I'm trying to find that balance for myself, for future reference.

[pokerfan]

18. I like to flip these things for a different perspective

so would I sacrifice love for a a career opportunity? My answer: No.

[pipi_k]

19. I should say

I would not sacrifice a career for love, but unfortunately, I probably would, and that makes me very upset.

Although I did manage not to sacrifice a whole life...job, family, etc. for love, or what I thought was "love" back in 1994 when I was living with someone who wanted to start a whole new life in another state but we weren't married and I was at least smart enough to know that he was just running away from himself and trying to take me along with him.

Didn't seem right at the time, and I've never been sorry for not going. By staying behind and ending the relationship I got something ten times better.

So anyway, I guess it would depend on what the relationship looked like...the level of commitment, etc. before I could say for sure what I might do in general.

[alarimer]

21. Every situation is different.

Looking back, I've made good decisions and bad ones, in equal measure.

But I've never had to make a choice like I did this year and I often wonder if I was being selfish. But it wasn't like I ever lied and said I would do something I wouldn't do.

[cliffordu]

23. I did.

man, did I fuck up.

[Lady Freedom Returns]

26. It is surprising how much one (may) end up regretting it.

Last edited Sun Oct 21, 2012, 04:38 PM - Edit history (4)

For me it is the never knowing. My teachers and professors were absolutely, 100% sure I would be one of the greats when it came to foreign correspondent, mainly war zones. Even when I worked at the TV station they would love to send me out to tornado disaster zones, fires, even to film meth dealers with one of the reporters. I had nerves of steel. Dave however, was terrified. Every time I told him I was staying late at work, he got scared to death. I didn't want him to feel like that, I love him. But now, I see what is going on in the world, I see what is going on and I want to be in the field again.

[Tobin S.]

25. It depends on what you want

You want your career the most and that's what you have. If you want love the most, that's what you'll have. But I don't think it's an all or nothing proposition.

I wanted love the most so I made great changes in my life to attain that. A part of those changes involved my career. Now we are in a situation where we have to think about each other before we make major changes. We have to put each other first, and that's the way it should be in an egalitarian relationship. But we still have our ambitions and our goals.

You can have it both ways if you are willing to compromise a bit. Of course, your partner has to be willing to compromise as well. You just have to do what is right for the whole. It's complicated.

[Nikia]

27. I probably could have a more important job that pays better if I were willing to relocate

I guess that I limited myself somewhat also when we first got married. Starting out, I would have had much better prospects if we had moved to the best area of the state for people with my majors but my husband had a job and was finishing his last class. I do have a job that is sort of on a career path, although I am thinking about my next move if I am able to switch jobs at the same company and location and if I look for work at a different company within a couple of years.
I think that your case is different though because you have an actual job and career. Opportunities are different than what you already have because you don't really know if you'll like your new location, company, coworkers, and job duties. Sacrificing what you don't know for what you do makes a big difference. If I were you, in a secure job, I would not move for a relationship. If you meet someone where you are though and have a good relationship and then get a higher paying job offer in say, Hawaii, I wouldn't take the job.

[HeiressofBickworth]

28. I've been married twice

so I'm certainly NOT an expert in affairs of the heart. However, from my perspective, the one constant, reliable asset in my life was my career. Men come and go (and they did) but I had my career and was able to support myself and my daughter. Security is of importance to me.

[RedCloud]

29. I'd love a career opportunity to sacrifice!

Either in baseball where I suck at bunting or
One of those Aztec temples.

[Major Nikon]

30. That's one of those ethical questions you have to figure out on your own

Both who we are and who we love matter a great deal. For most people, what you do is mostly synonymous with who you are. If someone asks who are you, most people respond with what they do. Losing that completely loses a big part of your identity, particularly if you've invested a lot of years in knowledge and skills. So who can legitimately blame someone if they pick one or the other?

[rug]

31. In a flash.

[hunter]

32. I'm probably gonna die a crazy homeless guy, but careers are over-rated.

I feel that unless one is otherwise occupied in important matters like single-handedly saving the world from radioactive-human-eating-cockroaches-from-another-planet, then go with the love.

Like everything else, 90% of careers are crud. That's Sturgeon's Law.

But in love the math works differently.

I've followed my wife and her career across the country and back, but no matter how it turns out I'm never ever going to have any regrets about that.

I think the question only becomes a problem when you love your career. But I also think most people ought not be loving their careers because the radioactive-human-eating-cockroaches-from-another-planet who run many businesses can dismiss you from your career at any time, and if you love your career, this will break your heart.

I'd much rather have have my heart broken by an actual human lover than a career.

[alarimer]

33. I'm the sort of person who needs a job that fully engages me.

If I am bored at work or I am unfulfilled, or just unhappy with it because of coworkers or something, I am miserable and that carries over into my personal life. It's a soul-sucking experience I do not want to repeat. I can't endure it for the sake of a relationship, because it makes me a miserable human being in many ways.

[NV Whino]

34. At an advanced age, I'm still single and loving every minute

I was never willing to be an appendage to someone else.

Here's something to think about: you spend 100% of the time with yourself. You spend only a small percentage of your life with anyone else, whether they be spouse, parent, sibling or child. Make yourself happy.

[TwilightGardener]

35. I married a career military guy. I've lived in places

I've wanted to live, and places I didn't--never anywhere near family or friends. I was alone raising kids for months--up to a year--at a time. I've quit jobs I've liked and moved, only to start over again somewhere else, at jobs I hated. But, I never had a job or career that mattered to me more than my husband--to me, work is kind of sucky by definition, something you HAVE to do--and careers change, and jobs come and go, or go sour for various reasons.

A lot of people do love their careers, though--I recognize that. But, true love is not something you would let go of easily, because you cannot FIND it easily. That said, it needs to go both ways--your partner needs to be as committed, and as ready to forego an opportunity for the sake of the relationship, or resentment by the sacrificing partner would eventually ruin the whole deal. My husband would have quit the military had I asked him--it was a decision we made together, that he would make a career of it and I would stick it out for the retirement and bennies.

[lunatica]

36. I sacrificed my career and regret it

I married for love and was a stay at home mom. Actually I worked part time so I could be at home when my son was home, but it wasn't in a career. I promised myself I will never regret that. But after 15 years of marriage that fell apart and I was left having to fend for myself. At the age of 48 I went back to school to learn computer skills and I went to work at UC Berkeley in administration because I needed a full time job. The pay isn't very good, but the benefits are great. I make a living now, but just barely here in very expensive Bay Area.

I should have pursued a career which I would probably still have, unlike marrying for love which I don't have anymore.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

37. no. not without a prenup.