An update on Rory and things in general,
First and foremost, I'm sorry for taking so long, I've really struggled this past almost week since I got home with so many conflicting emotions and events and how to deal with them.
I've really struggled with how defeated I feel in getting any results that will be favorable for Rory. I never got a call from Adult Protection regarding the complaint I filed, after my initial conversation with his Social Worker, she also has not returned any of my calls.
I've have so many triggers hitting me this last week that it's been hard to come up for air. The worst is the feeling that I've experienced so many countless times in my life, that feeling of exuberance that comes with feeling like things are going well, and that I'm doing the right things, inevitably to have that joy collapse around me as what seems kind of an as usual, all that hope and excitement for naught.
Please don't misunderstand, my time spent with Rory was as enjoyable as I could ask and it is those experiences that I will keep near. It was my Naïve belief that the system would respond when given credible information, and having provided an eyewitness report documenting neglect along with repeated reports prior, that they would respond with something slightly better than the unresponsiveness I've gotten.
The emotional crash that follows the discovery that what I did was all for naught, that yet again, for the seeming hundredth time, has taken me yet again to a place so familiar, just another form of abandonment, another decision made by another that what I see, feel, experience or report, get filed in the circular file with the appropriate message behind it: we're not interested.
For the first time in my life, I've done something different, these moments are singularly responsible for most of any self destructive things I've done to self-sabotage going back to my early teens. Whether it be running away from a foster home right after seen my mom for the first time every two years through my early teens, to hastily quitting jobs or abandoning my own self worth in other ways at the end of relationships or some other form of "failure".
I decided to do nothing, to stop beating my head against the wall, only to reinforce the original result, to accept defeat at the hands of the system with only a solemn promise to Rory that I will be there for him as a dear friend and to do what I can to make his final days ones that bring him peace and comfort instead of strife and conflict.
The issue of forgiving Maria and her petty games and manipulations of the people around her, being most recently employed by making the TV near Rory so loud that we can't hear one another, will come another day and another time.
I've struggled a lot with what the reasonable expectations of success are for me today. My physical limitations have reduced me to being primarily homebound and isolated but for DU and a couple of friends, Rory topping the list of course. I try to get myself well rested for the days of protest of church, etc....
I look forward to the return of days where I am self sufficient, more mobile, and can use my time in ways that won't be held against me by a system designed to break us.
Speaking of that system, all the paperwork has been submitted by my lawyer and me to the SSA, so all we await now is the court date. With the government shutdown now over, I can only hope that date comes soon, although there's a 75 day minimum notice required. With some degree of confidence, I yet again will subject myself to hope in that I finally see a light at the end of this really long tunnel that seemed almost never to end, a light that feels more real in that we feel like a truly impartial party will look at my case and decide it based on what feels like a mountain of evidence instead of what feels like a presumption of faking it.
Another part of my struggles this past week has been the return to what is more or less a hermits existence, where engagement with others is so limited to church, and little else of significance. I want to thank those of you who have kept close and in touch with your kind words and wishes, that even in my state of darkness, your light has kept me somewhat rational and sane. I can assure you that it's only due to that kindness and love that I've stayed still and without self sabotaging actions.
I also want to thank those of you who first, for the lack of a better word, encouraged me to take my time, to let the feelings come, to stay in the moment and embrace it instead of running from it. That permission, and yes, that's the right term, gave me the room to let all the waves come over me, some cleansing and refreshing, some leaving me feeling lost and drowning, but most importantly, to feel my way through everything.
I'm calling Rory every day, and will do whatever I can to comfort him, to be beside him in spirit, and to give all that I can to ensure his journey home is taken together, to hold his hand and his heart if needed, to celebrate this wonderful life, and this wonderful man.
Thank you for listening, and I will keep everyone updated. Your love, kindness and empathy have been and continue to be a Godsend. Thank you!
Love, John 
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