I feel responsible

[Ziggysmom]

I had my husband admitted to memory care 12/22 after 2 back to back hospitalizations. First pneumonia and COPD, second for a GI bleed. His dementia was good one day and bad the next. Then he started staying up all night, rearranging his belongings and attempting to leave in the middle of the night - removing his oxygen which he required at 4 LPM 24/7. Not safe.

I admitted him to a facility which had different units, memory care, skilled nursing including hospice and assisted living. When I toured the place I was told he could move to different units depending on the level of care he needed.

On 1/17 they called and told me he fell and was sent to the ER where his head CT was normal but he was treated for DEHYDRATION. I was told his care plan would be updated. Hospital Social worker told me he would benefit from hospice care and I agreed.

A week or so later he had another fall, but was told no severe injury sustained. Fast forward to 2/6 at 2 AM I get a call from a hospital ER physician at a hospital we have never been to, telling me he is treating my husband for a sub arachnoid hemorrhage. The hospice nurses came to the hospital and suggested I not return him to nursing home. He was taken to the best hospice in the area. THE NURSING HOME HAS NEVER CALLED ME.

I spent all Friday with him and was not feeling well, was convinced to go home and get some sleep. Just one hour after I got home, I received the call he had passed. He did not regain consciousness but did squeeze my hand when I spoke to hIm earlier.

I feel so guilty for placing him in memory care. Like I was trying to keep him safe but I killed him.
We must demand better health care for everyone. Most all nursing homes require one year of private pay before they will accept Medicaid. His care cost was over $12,000 for the first month.

After he passed the medical examiner took his body to examine for unnatural death. I have not received or seen the death certificate yet. After I receive the cause and certificate I plan to see an attorney. This should not have happened.

Please do not be offended if I do not reply; I am having a difficult time doing anything right now except pray and cry. Please take a moment to tell those around you that you love them; they can be taken from us at any time.

[Skittles]

1. honestly, I would get a lawyer

this is NOT your fault, that nursing home needs to be held accountable, WTF

very sorry you are having to deal with this

[Figarosmom]

2. Yes, it always seems so sudden.

Sorry about your loss and yes it sounds like you should see an attorney. Shouldn't have so many falls whole under care.

[Skittles]

4. yes

and the lack of contact is inhumane and inexcusable

[3catwoman3]

3. You need all your energy for you right now. I'm sure no one will be offended...

…if you do not respond. We will be holding you in our hearts.

[essaynnc]

5. I hope that you can be at peace.

Thanks for reminding me to tell those around me that I love them !!!!

[Bayard]

6. This is not your fault

You did the best you could. I'm sure the hand squeeze meant he knew you were there, and appreciated it.

Be kind to yourself.

[JMCKUSICK]

7. I am so very sorry Ziggysmom,

Please be as kind to yourself as your husband would have been. You made the very best decision with the best information at the time you made it.

You are not responsible for others failure to live up to their duties.

Hold that squeezed hand memory dear, it told you everything you needed from your husband.
If you are comfortable, what is his name?

You are blanketed with love from all of us here at DU

[HeartsCanHope]

8. My deepest condolences, Ziggysmom.

I am so sorry. You and your family will be in my thoughts. Sending you love and light.

[calimary]

9. I wish we could all hug you, literally. Not just with words.

It sounds like you did all and everything you could for him.

And whenever it is that you might read this, just know that we care about you and are thinking about you A LOT as you go through such a jarring time.

I know prayers are being said, and sent your way. And as I’ve had the pleasure and gratitude of discovering, you’re not alone when you’re part of DU. Someone’s always here, and there’ll always be someone thinking about you and him as well.

Here’s a hug:
(((((((((( * ))))))))))

[Ilikepurple]

10. It's hard not to feel guilty when you lose a loved one who depended are your care and judgement.

I’m so sorry for your loss. But, please do not feel guilty. I’m almost positive whatever I say may not help or may only help temporarily. I made the decisions for both of my parents’ end of life care as close to their stated wishes as I could, but still have lingering guilt as to whether I should have done this or that differently. It’s so hard not to second guess your decisions, especially if you think you think you were in error trusting their medical care. I hope you find ways to alleviate the guilt you so unjustly place on yourself.

[LoisB]

11. I am so sorry. It is not your fault. You did what should have been best for him;

the nursing home failed you and him.

[RainCaster]

12. You are in our prayers

You are not alone.

[Prairie_Seagull]

13. Ziggysmom, you are not responsible.

Clarity comes in waves.

[niyad]

14. Holding you in love and light. Remember that your DU family is here

for you. Lean as hard as you need.

[stage left]

15. My heart goes out to you

in this time of loss.

[Grumpy Old Guy]

16. Do not blame yourself, you did everything you could.

I'm sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you.

[orleans]

17. i'm so sorry this happened.

[10 Turtle Day]

18. Please allow yourself some grace.

We make decisions based on the best information we have at the time. Please do not beat yourself up over the nursing home failing both you and husband. My condolences for your loss.

[mnhtnbb]

19. Sending you light and love Ziggysmom.

Please do not hold yourself responsible. I had to put my 90 year old father in memory care 25 years ago. Found him on the floor one Sunday afternoon when my husband and I had gone to visit and watch a football game with him. Ended up moving him to another facility recommended by his MD for skilled nursing care. He was confined to a wheelchair at that point to prevent more falls.
I don't know what the standard of practice is now once dementia patients start having falls. But I can tell you that after several months confined to a wheelchair, unable to feed himself, use the remote for the TV, or read, he decided to stop eating and I supported his decision. He went into a coma after 3 days. I sat with him and read to him on the last day, but had to go home to get dinner for my boys. Planned to pick my husband up at the airport and then return to his bedside. I got a call at 8 pm that he'd regained consciousness and come quickly. When I got there 20 minutes later, he was gone. I have heard other stories that often people who are dying will hold on until their loved ones aren't with them, to let go. We'll never know.
You did the best you could. Please don't hold yourself responsible.

[OldBaldy1701E]

20. You did what you could with what was available.

There is no fault to that. You did what was best for him based on your understanding of the situation. The fault is with those who did not handle the situation as expected.

Treated for dangerous dehydration and their response was that they will update his 'care plan'? Really??

[quaint]

21. 🕯💙🌷

[Solly Mack]

22. I am so sorry.

I hope you find answers and peace.

Get a lawyer.

[debm55]

23. Oh, Ziggysmom. I am so sorry for you and your husband. May the memories of your dear husband be a blessing to you. Love,

Deb. It was not your fault.

[some_of_us_are_sane]

24. Please say to yourself

everytime you are tempted to take blame...."THIS IS NOT MY FAULT. THIS IS NOT MY FAULT." Big hugs from here!

[electric_blue68]

25. I thought I rsponded to you soon after you posted...but maybe it stayed in Preview and not posted...

I so wanted to say you shouldn't blame yourself!
Things were now ot of your hands, and a lawyer should probably seriously check into events.

Like another said poster said:
remember that hand squeeze!

I also was intending to post that I hope you have some family, or friends near by to support you.

A day, an hour a minute at a time with such a shocking series of incidents ending in the worse event.

[NNadir]

26. I am very sorry. I cannot change how you feel about your role, but in my opinion you did everything I would have done.

In my experience, when we lose someone we love, we have almost always done our best, but it never feels right, since it cannot feel right to lose someone we love.

I wish you peace.

[SuzyandPuffpuff]

27. Yu did right

Never second guess yourself. You did what Yu did at the time bcz circumstances directed Yu to do so. He knew you were with him and that's why he was able to let go. You did everything right. No regrets. For your own sanity... no regrets.

[sinkingfeeling]

28. My deepest sympathy. Yes, see an attorney.

[cachukis]

29. Peace.

[Alice Kramden]

30. You did nothing wrong

You did everything you could. You did the right thing. I'm saying this from experience similar to yours. My sincere condolences, and I wish you peace.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

31. Most nursing homes are drastically underfunded

and don't have even half the trained nurses they should have.

That said, your only other choice would have been to keep him home and hire nurses, if not 24/7, then enough to give you some time off. You had no way of knowing how quickly things would get so bad.

I do know from personal experience that an autopsy report typically takes about six weeks to get.

[JudyM]

32. Memory care units are supposed to have more attentive care, not less, so please don't blame yourself.

Even though blaming ourselves is so common.

I'm wondering if he got a brain CT at a hospital after the second fall or if the facility didn't send him because they assessed him as having no severe injury?

My deepest sympathies to you, Ziggysmom... I went through something similar with my mom this past summer, and I know it's so heart wrenching. Please try to be gentle and forgiving with yourself as much as you can, the raw grief is painful enough without making yourself feel unfairly worse by adding a heavy layer of unwarranted self-blame.