10 Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter,
Rule 1: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule 2: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule 3: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off of their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about the issue, so I propose tis compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes too big, and I will not object. To ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, however, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely to your waist.
Rule 4: I’m sure that you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without using a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate. When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule 5: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is early.
Rule 6: I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
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Rule 9: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues related to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and 65 acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
It didn't help me with the dating thing, but it made me laugh ... I wonder if this had something to do with the fact that my daughters' dates always came by when I was not home?
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