I'm not letting anyone get close enough to hurt me again.

[alarimer]

No way, no how. 8 months later and I still feel like hell.

A few months ago, he contacted me, sounding nostalgic and remorseful so we started talking again. I forgave him for what he did and he even talked about moving out closer to me so we could spend some time together and see what happened.

But it got to the point where he wasn't contacting me at all. I had to take the initiative. Always. And then he didn't acknowledge my birthday at all. And I am forced to come to the conclusion that he just doesn't care (or he has someone else). And it hurts. I've never hurt this badly for such a long time.

But I don't want to meet anyone else. I do not want to take a chance that I will get hurt again. Because I ALWAYS do. I never get the happy ending. Nobody ever really loves me.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. Oh, my dear alarimer...

I am so sorry...

[alarimer]

2. Thanks

I thought at some point in my life this sort of thing would stop. I'd figure it out, but no.

[Aristus]

3. But no one will be close enough to love you, either.

Don't shut down...

[alarimer]

5. I'm not convinced it's worth the risk.

It never ends well.

[life long demo]

4. I'll say the same thing, don't shut down

Why, because I did that. I was married to an abusive spouse, (not looking for sympathy). When I finally got free, I decided I didn't want to get close to anyone else because I might fall into the same painful situation. So I spent the last 26 years not allowing another man to get close to me. It's very lonely. Learn from me, it's not worth it to isolate yourself. You will someday look back and say I wish I had not done that. You last paragraph sounds like I wrote it so I know exactly how you feel. Don't be me. The only way to heal your heart is to let love in.

[alarimer]

8. I know.

I've always found it hard to get close to people. Memories of teenage rejection haunt me still.

I make plans to join various Meetups but I never actually go. Sometimes my excuse is that it's too far to drive or costs too much. And the next two weekends at least, I plan on working because I have a report due July 1 that I'm a bit behind in.

[nolabear]

6. Watch this, Sweetie. I'm serious. It's extremely wise.

[elleng]

11. Great, Thanks.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

7. I would very strongly suggest that you get yourself into the hands of a competent therpist.

They can work wonders. They can help you discover what leads you to men who aren't good for you, who hurt you and then abandon you.

I hope you will do this.

[alarimer]

9. I've tried it before.

One tried to convince me to try hypnosis, which struck me as of dubious utility at best, and unscientific nonsense at work.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

10. Then keep trying. One lousy therapist is no reason to stop.

I've been in therapy a number of times, and the good one saved my professional life.

I agree about the hypnosis, FWIW.

This is about your life and emotional health; it's very much worth doing.

[nolabear]

12. I'd advocate trying again as well. Look for a psychodynamic therapist.

It's deep work and hard, but if you can stick with it, particularly when it's at its hardest, it can be of help.

[alarimer]

13. I'm pretty my insurance doesn't cover much.

I've never heard of this.

Plus I'm extremely skeptical of anything that isn't scientifically based and most of psychology just isn't.

But the real issue is what is possible in the 10-12 sessions my insurance will cover (not that I can afford the copayments anyway, so this is all a moot point).

[nolabear]

17. Psychodynamic is talk therapy. Figuring out how you got here and how you can get elsewhere.

Half the battle is believing you can change and wanting to enough to go a little crazy in the process. Because we will do ANYTHING to avoid the pain we fear, including putting ourselves in much worse pain. And the other half of the battle is figuring out how to pay for it. Admittedly, that can be very hard. I wish it wasn't like that, but it is. Maybe, if you decide you want to pursue, you can ask around about low fee clinics or people who will see someone for a reduced fee. Many therapists save a little time for people who need help but can't pay a whole lot.

Anyway, hope you find some peace. And that video is on the nose, I think.

[RILib]

14. their loss

really. There are a lot of nice people in the world, but a lot of us just don't find mates. I dunno why that is.

I'll bet people do love you, just not romantic love. We certainly like you very much.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

15. no words ... just a hug

[Locut0s]

16. Very sorry to hear this. Take it from someone who has "shut down" his whole life though...

As others said be careful of shutting down. You might get what you wish for. I've never been in any type of relationship at all and I'm 31. Trust me it's a lonely life, one that I wouldn't wish on others. I know you are hurting now and as Peggy suggested you should probably seek out a good therapist. But do you REALLY want to turn back in 20 or 30 years time and realize with regret that you have been lonely as hell and didn't have to be?

[alarimer]

19. I've had difficulty connecting with people my whole life.

And I am older than you.

So there have been lots of periods of loneliness.

I know "happiness" (or is it living well?) is the best revenge. And instead of hanging around hoping for a phone call, I should get a life. Instead, I'm throwing myself into my job, especially since I have a lot to do and I can't seem to get much done at the office.

[raccoon]

20. I've had difficulty connecting with people my whole life too, so I understand

where you're coming from.

I haven't been in a relationship in years. I think I'm a relationship phobe.

[Taverner]

18. Sounds like extended torture

Hugs....

[SteveG]

21. It took me 17 years to let anyone get that close to me again

and I'm glad I did. Eventually you will realize that you have to risk to gain. But take your time.

[alarimer]

23. I simply can't tell when people are being sincere and when they are just fooling with me.

I've guessed wrong far too many times. It makes me doubt anything anyone says.

[SteveG]

24. I found the trick is to become friends

first. My wife and I ran in the same social circles for 5 years and became close friends before we started dating, the question for us at the time is did we want to risk the friendship if things didn't work out. We've now been married for almost 11 years, and it was the best thing we could have done. Go very slow.

[MadrasT]

22. I have been there and I understand.

No advice... just a if you want it.