I have never felt like this before...

[Gravitycollapse]

A combination of hyperventilating and unfettered agony. I want it to go away. I don't want to think about her and I anymore.

I keep getting flashes in my mind of the two of us together when it was still good.

[Major Nikon]

1. Sounds like a panic attack

It might be worth a trip to your family doctor to see if this is the case. He/she can prescribe something along the lines of Xanax which helps most people tremendously with such things. You might want to also consider talking to your doctor about something like generic Prozac as depression is not uncommon in these situations. An alternative or supplement to anti-depression and anti-anxiety drugs is also treatments like CBT which you can receive from a mental health professional.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panic_attack
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy

[Gravitycollapse]

2. I'm already on Ativan and Lexapro. I have been for years.

In fact, I'm in the middle of getting myself off the SSRI.

I know meds are the answer here. I have to go it alone with this one.

I'll be okay. I know it will get better. I'm not naive enough to think otherwise. But it hurts right now.

[Major Nikon]

3. Have you tried CBT before?

[Gravitycollapse]

4. Yes. A few years ago following a bout of extreme depression.

This is a different kind of sadness. It's not existential. I just want her back and I know that's not going to happen.

[Major Nikon]

5. That's pretty much what CBT is good at countering

You take an irrational thought and counter it with a rational one. It sort of trains your brain to get out of your negative feedback loop.

[pipi_k]

6. One of the pitfalls

of a broken relationship...

reliving the good times over and over and feeling like you've been hit by a bus.

Yeah...I know it well. I'm a big romanticizer myself. Always seeing things the way they were and wondering what happened and wishing things could go back to the way they were.

I learned, though...after many broken hearts...that if I didn't want to stay stuck in the pain...at least not THAT pain...I needed to stop looking at the past though rose-colored glasses.

My secret...each time I started feeling pain from a "good" memory, I would dredge up something really shitty the other person did to me. Made me very angry, each and every time. Soon it would get to the point where I would thank my lucky stars I was no longer with this selfish, assholish rat.

See, it was easier to deal with the anger than with the sadness. I might even come to hate the person for a while...but at least it was easier to move on.

And some point in the future, after I had moved on emotionally (and physically as well), it became safe again to think of the good things and be thankful for the entire experience which...far from being a waste of my life...made me who I am.

Well, that's my suggestion for you. Try replacing sadness with anger for a while and see if you feel any better.