I've had an important psychological breakthrough.

[Tobin S.]

There is a theory in psychology that says that illnesses like delusions and depression can occur by having a concept of yourself that is inconsistent with what the rest of the people around you see. I don't know who developed the theory or the details, but there you go. An example would be that you think you're a nice guy, but most everybody else thinks you're an asshole and you don't understand why everyone treats you so badly. Or the other way around. You get the drift.

This self realization started for me last winter. It was dark and I was at a stop light looking to turn right. I looked left and started to go without checking back right. A pedestrian who was jogging with his dog and had the right of way was there and I almost hit them. I obviously scared the guy and his reaction to that was to proceed to cuss me and act like a wild man. I thought I might have got his dog and as the guy came around to my side of the car I opened the door to get out and apologize and see if everything was okay. As I opened the door he took a look at me and took off running. I guess he was alright, but I wasn't sure what the deal was.

My wife was talking to me the other day about a friend of ours. She was talking to the guy about me being afraid she was going to get me beat up by being an uppity woman while we were out and about and the guy said something to the effect of, "Toby? He's as big as a barn! What's he got to be afraid of?" and something about my back being as wide as an airport landing strip.

As far as my appearance goes, I thought most people just see a fat guy. But apparently many see a grizzly bear. Looking back I can see the inconsistencies in my perception and that of those around me. I've been mystified by people who don't know how to look inside.

But I am not an ass. That is, I don't think of my self as my bodily form. I think of my self as located within my skull. I am soft spoken, reserved, gentle, honest, and kind to a fault. If you are the type of person who judges people by appearances then you might be intimidated by me. Otherwise, we're cool.

Having this knowledge will increase my understanding and not turn me into a bully. Besides, there's always someone bigger out there somewhere and we can't forget about the George Zimmermans of the world.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. You could never be a bully, my dear Tobin.

You just don't have that in you.

Interesting story you've told here...

[Tobin S.]

2. Yeah, my heart's too big for that

You know me well.

Good to see you this evening.

[NewThinkingChance40]

3. First impressions...

most people tend to judge on what they see first. Sometimes it is hard to recognize yourself as others see you. Awesome breakthrough!

[Tobin S.]

4. Thank you! And welcome to DU.

[elleng]

5. Right,

and Welcome.

[NewThinkingChance40]

6. Thanks to both of you :)

[Spitfire of ATJ]

7. I have to keep realizing I'm taller than most of the people I know....

Must be why I got recruited into installing ceiling fans for a friend.

[Locut0s]

8. We have a lot in common here Tobin...

Internally I'm a little meek, shy, friendly to a fault, and anxious in some social situations. Externally I've always been something of a big guy. I've never been hugely fat, largest I've been was 266 lbs about a month ago. But I have a big frame and I'm 6'2. I'm very much an introvert for the most part and I guess my face has a rather blank expression on it most of the time. I've been told I should smile more. In groups of people chatting I smile a fair amount and even laugh, but otherwise my face may seem kind of still. I think because of this I may intimidate some people. I know when I walk out in public and I pass people I try to nod or say hi to them, sometimes my nod seems to be answered with a coldish stair. If instead I smile and say hi I usually get a nice hi back. So I think I can really relate to you here. Internally I've been battling depression and anxiety for most of my life but I've never let it show that much on the surface. No one at school has ever known I suffer from any of these issues unless I directly let them know about it. My internal world and my external appearance are very much divorced.

However I think we have to be careful about assuming that others are different from us here. Instead maybe the lesson to be learned is that we aren't that different and that OTHERS are in fact also very similar to us in this regard (their external and internal selves are different too). The real lesson then is you really can't tell a book by its cover, not that our covers are so much different from other peoples. I've meet my share of people who have taken me by surprise after I had mistakenly prejudged them based on their appearance (both in the positive and negative senses).

Trust me Tobin from what I know of you here, you could never become a bully. You are far to nice a person for that!

[Tobin S.]

9. Thank you. That's a nice post.

[rug]

10. Wise thoughts.

“We only become what we are by the radical and deep-seated refusal of that which others have made of us.”
– Jean-Paul Sartre