An update on the ex who won't give me my stuff back...

[Gravitycollapse]

After not hearing from her for a day, I texted her asking if she planned on responding or was just going to ignore me. She told me she was at work.

I waited another 24 hours. I texted her again asking about my stuff. She texted me back asking how "pressing" it was that I got my stuff back.

"First off, it doesn't matter how pressing it is. It is my stuff. I don't need an excuse to have it back. Second, it is very pressing as the book is very dear to me. I could care less about the shirt. But I want the book. It was on the dresser next to your bed last I saw."

Waited about 6 hours and there was no response. I finally texted her

"Listen, you have a very real opportunity here to keep this civil. I'm leaving this ball in your court. I am kindly requesting that you allow me to retrieve my book. I have your shirt and commemorative plate. I will leave both of those things with your key on the front porch. All you have to do is leave the book on the porch and let me know when I should stop by."

About 10 minutes later she responded with "I'll look for it tomorrow and let you know."

After almost a day, I asked again if she had found the book. She said she had not.

It has now been an additional day and still no response.

I'm not entirely certain what to do now. I had a brief inspiration to simply let myself into her house when she is away and get the book myself. But I came to the conclusion that this may end up like an episode of Cops.

[Paulie]

1. The book an autographed biography of Debbie Gibson?

Because this drama you're putting yourself through actually for something valuable? If it's replaceable, just don't play the passive aggressive games. It's not worth your sanity.

Best to ya! And good call on NOT doing the breaking and entering, even with a key.

[Gravitycollapse]

3. It's a personal gift from one of my professors. A collection of works by James Baldwin.

With a note inside.

[Shampoobra]

2. In my humble opinion...

...there is nothing about this situation that is going to improve.

She has no intention of returning your book. You saw it on her dresser, and now she claims she can't find it. Either your memory is faulty, or she's lying.

There is only one thing left for you to do (again, in my humble opinion). Never contact her again. Accept that the book you care about is a casualty of the relationship. If she wanted you to have the book back, you would have it back. Since she's not giving it to you, it means she's opted to wait for you to do something illegal.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but as a bystander who is not emotionally involved, I can see where this is going.

Sometimes people victimize us, and sometimes the only thing to do is let them get away with it. Just walk away, resolve to be a better person than she, and remember not to loan items to people unless you can handle the prospect of never seeing the items again.

(As I re-read this, I realize I might sound like I'm being critical or judgmental. I'm not trying to. She's stealing from you, and if you don't let her get away with it, she'll make sure you're seen as a psycho stalker. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm on your side, and your smartest option is to accept the loss and move on.)

[Gravitycollapse]

4. The problem is I didn't loan it to her. It was there because I was reading it.

[Shampoobra]

5. My bigger point, though, is that there is an unfairness here that probably can't be rectified

It's not fair that she should get away with not returning the book. But that very unfairness is what can lead to trouble.

Look at it through this hypothetical example:

It's not fair that she poured gasoline all over the ground, and all over your shoes and legs. Still, you and your Bic lighter need to forget about that for now, and get as far away from her as possible.

[okieinpain]

19. small claims court. n/t.

[Fridays Child]

6. As important as that book is, you may not get it back.

She's in control of the book. But, you know what? She couldn't care less about it. What she really wants to control in this scenario is you--more specifically, your peace of mind. If you hand over that control to her, she gets exactly what she wants.

Remember the movie WarGames? "The only winning move is not to play."

[bluesbassman]

7. ^^^This^^^

Best answer to your problem brother. Absolutely spot on. Write off the book and move on. It'll give you peace.

[magical thyme]

13. ^^^^ I need to tattoo this response somewhere

Let it go. She is playing games and she will win if you play with her.

It's sad to lose the book. Maybe someday she'll get over her issues and just give it back to you. But that is the only way you are likely to get it back without losing something else more precious.

Be grateful that all you have lost to her games is a book; an important book, but just a book. I've had pets killed by such game players. We've all read about children ended up badly injured or dead due to such game players.

You said it all when you wrote that "the ball is in her court."

[safeinOhio]

8. Trust me, nothing would piss her off more

than for you to exit her life. No returning calls or text. Just disappear from her life. She'll have lost control of you.

I've been thru this with an ex. she went nuts trying to find me, to give me a piece of her mind. I decided all the stuff I lost, and way more than just a book, was just stuff. I now don't miss it.

You are in control when you figure out that you have the power to leave.

[Phentex]

9. I would be she would end up calling him...

As you and others have said, it's about control. If he stops all contact, I think she'd call within a week.

You really learn a lot about a person when you break up. I had an ex who returned an entire box of stuff to me. It wasn't my stuff but gifts I had given him or things I had made for him, every card or note. At first I was impressed he had saved everything, but then I realized how much he wanted to hurt me. Within a week, he was calling me to apologize and ask for the stuff back. But by then I had removed the good stuff and trashed the rest. Jerk.

[Sheldon Cooper]

10. I agree with nearly everyone else - this is not about the book.

It's about control, and you need to take it back by walking away. Are you still in college? If so, maybe you could purchase another edition of the book and take it to your professor, explain what happened to him/her and how much that book meant to you, and see if they'd mind inscribing the new one. It wouldn't be exactly the same, but it could be therapuetic for you.

Or, on the other hand, if you still have a key and you know her schedule, you could just go there, let yourself in, and get the book on your own. That's probably not legal, but it's something I'd consider.

[Fla Dem]

15. Agree with this approach and would add

Since she has been uncooperative in assisting you in getting your book back, and you do know what her work schedule is...I would select a time she would normally be home and send her the following text.

As I have not heard from you regarding the book, I will plan to be at your house at (time you select when you think she may be home)to pick it up. If you are not there, I will let myself in and retrieve the book. I will leave the key and your shirt on the porch when I leave.

[hobbit709]

11. Sometimes you have to know when to cut your losses and go on.

If she had any intention of being civil, it would have been evident by now.

[pipi_k]

12. After reading the other replies

I decided that the control thing is probably right.

See, I would have suggested having a lawyer write her a letter informing her that unless she gives it back to you, you would take her to small claims court to get it back.

But that's probably a route you wouldn't want to take just for the sake of a book.

One thing I would NOT do is to enter the premises and get the book myself. Potential big trouble there!

Anyway, yes...I agree with the others...she knows this is bugging you, and it seems like a childish, passive aggressive way to get your goat. Stop texting her. Don't contact her again. I think even if she contacted me at some point with promises to return the book, I would refuse to respond, suspecting that she's only trying to dangle the carrot that she would snatch away at the last minute.

Kick her to the curb, the sooner the better. She sounds slightly sadistic, IMO.

[hunter]

14. I once "broke up" with a woman by jumping out of her moving car.

That's the last day I ever talked to her, even though we've crossed paths since, pretending not to see one another.

Eventually she mailed my stuff back, no notes, nothing. I wasn't expecting that.

Oh well, we were young and it was a relationship forged in hell that could've ended worse.

Stuff is stuff, a lesson learned. Maybe you get it back, maybe you don't. That's one of the risks you take simply being in a relationship.

Play some Bob Dylan:

It ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe
It don’t matter, anyhow
An’ it ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe
If you don’t know by now
When your rooster crows at the break of dawn
Look out your window and I’ll be gone
You’re the reason I’m trav’lin’ on
Don’t think twice, it’s all right

It ain’t no use in turnin’ on your light, babe
That light I never knowed
An’ it ain’t no use in turnin’ on your light, babe
I’m on the dark side of the road
Still I wish there was somethin’ you would do or say
To try and make me change my mind and stay
We never did too much talkin’ anyway
So don’t think twice, it’s all right

It ain’t no use in callin’ out my name, gal
Like you never did before
It ain’t no use in callin’ out my name, gal
I can’t hear you anymore
I’m a-thinkin’ and a-wond’rin’ all the way down the road
I once loved a woman, a child I’m told
I give her my heart but she wanted my soul
But don’t think twice, it’s all right

I’m walkin’ down that long, lonesome road, babe
Where I’m bound, I can’t tell
But goodbye’s too good a word, gal
So I’ll just say fare thee well
I ain’t sayin’ you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don’t mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don’t think twice, it’s all right


Read more: http://www.bobdylan.com/us/songs/dont-think-twice-its-all-right#ixzz2bDH28YDw

[azurnoir]

16. some advice from experience

I've been through 2 breakups in my life once when I was 18 and once when I was 35, both times I left and didn't get much more than what I was wearing at the time but ya know what I said keep it both times you can control stuff but ya still can't control me, so if it makes you feel better keep it-I'm still gone

[raccoon]

17. You've gotten some good responses here. I agree, that her holding on to the book is

just a way of trying to control you....and/or just another way of holding on.

Once a boyfriend I broke up with kept whining about, "Are you going to pay for the bicycle, dear?" (I had
borrowed his bike and a tire went flat while it was in my keeping.)

It was just a way he was trying to hold on.

[Avalux]

18. I don't know the whole story here, but she's enjoying messing with you.

Best you can do is let it go, at least for awhile. If she wanted to be civil you'd have the book back by now.

Since you have items of hers, just wait it out, let emotions settle down and eventually she'll think you don't care anymore. At that point she'll probably ask for her items back, then hopefully you can negotiate a trade.

[ConcernedCanuk]

20. I read the whole thread

.
.
.

Stop contacting her.

period.

CC

[darkangel218]

21. I think she misses you and wants you back

And by holding to something which means a lot to you, she hopes you will still be contacting her. Is it safe to assume you were the one who initiated the break up?

[Gravitycollapse]

22. No. She dumped me out of the blue.

After discussing the matter with a mutual friend, we concluded she has abandonment issues stemming from her family. And she will abandon you before you get the chance to abandon her.

She broke my heart.

[darkangel218]

23. Damn... that really sucks.

What's even worse, she won't even let you move on.

If I was you I would just forget about that book, and never contact her again. Block her on your cell, she can always email you if anything.

You deserve better than that.

[KurtNYC]

24. A lot of good advice in this thread

I would not enter her home to retrieve the book nor would I think about small claims.

My heart goes out to you at this troubling time. I was in love with a person and felt absolutely star crossed to have met and connected with them so this made the break up a kind of crisis of faith. I had tried as hard as I could to make the relationship work, sacrificed, and when it looked bad I had doubled down in spite of reality. It shook the core of my spiritual being when it ended. I really felt sort of goal-less -- as if the things I had tried to achieve were faulty from the beginning and doomed by design. Making the next move was very hard because I lost faith in my own ability to know what would make me happy. The person I broke up with had very serious abandonment issues which in our relationship became intimacy (honesty) issues. I like a challenge, sometimes to a fault.

I think the best advice here is to stop calling / texting for 4 or 5 days and that may move her to try and contact you. Likely your pursuit of the book is giving her a sense of control. That will stop when your pursuit of the book does.

It sounds like you are still hurting and perhaps hoping that this will work out -- I would encourage you to entertain the idea that it won't and that you deserve better because YOU DO.

My father told me something that haunts me in situations like this: Every relationship is controlled by the person who wants it least.

[BarenakedLady]

25. "Every relationship is controlled by the person who wants it least."

Damn, that's a good quote!

[d_r]

26. you have the key

just go get it.

[Iggo]

27. If you end up in jail over this book...

...you're going to feel real stupid.

And with very good reason.

[sammytko]

28. I don't think this is about control, blah, blah, blah - she probably threw it away and

that is all.

And probably doesn't really care if you contact her again because she doesn't know how to tell you.

[pipi_k]

29. If she did

throw it out, I would still think it's about control.

Even more so, since she should have the basic decency to tell him she threw it out instead of allowing him to believe it still exists in her possession.

We don't know if she threw it out, but if she did, and if she's leading him to believe she still has the book, that's a pretty fucked up head game, there.