Would you stand for someone in a wedding you don't agree with?

[Xithras]

The shortish version in a long and sordid story: I've been friends with a guy since college, and he recently asked me to stand for him as a groomsman in his upcoming wedding.

He's a 44 year old divorcee with a 19 year old daughter. Earlier this summer, his daughter and a few of her friends were drinking it up around his house (he says he was drinking too, but not WITH them), he ended up in the hot tub with one of his daughters 18 year old friends, one thing led to another, and two months later the girl is apparently pregnant with his kid (it only happened once, but there are various reasons that they're sure it's his kid).

The young woman is apparently from a fairly fundy family, and they're now insisting that he marry her...in spite of the fact that he's virtually the same age as her father. I suspect that his relative wealth factored into their decision a bit (he's not super rich, but he's accrued a couple million over the years and is pretty well off). He didn't have a problem with marrying her (can't imagine why), and they're tying the knot in 3 weeks.

His daughter has disowned him over it, as have a number of his friends. I personally don't have a huge problem with the sex part (44 and 18 is a terrible idea, but I tend to take a "willing and consensual adults" attitude toward most things and won't condemn him over it), though I do think he crossed a HUGE line when he did it with a friend of his own daughter. There's also a difference between sex and marriage, IMO, and taking the "relationship" to the next level like this is an absolute mistake and should end spectacularly (bye bye wealth!)

Here's the thing. If I say no, it will probably be the end of our friendship. Other than this one thing, he's normally a great guy and we've been good friends for years. He and I have literally climbed mountains together, and have spent untold months in the wilderness, covering hundreds of miles, hiking the Sierra backcountry over the years. He's been a good friend, and I don't know that I want to write that off over his new bride. But if I say yes, it might give the impression that I support the marriage, which I 100% do not. I think it will ultimately ruin both of their lives, and have already said as much.

What would you do? What would you say to him?

[Sheldon Cooper]

1. I would not do it.

And I'd tell him why. And if it ends the friendship, oh well. His behavior really was pretty skeevy.

[Xyzse]

2. I think he messed up, and owning up to his mistake

He has already suffered through being disowned by his daughter which is a blow.

I can not condone what he has done, but if he is currently unmarried and unattached then this is like I said, taking responsibility. I agree with your concerns about the difference between marriage and a relationship. However, that is his mistake to make as he already made a mistake with getting drunk and sleeping with his daughter's friend.

I'd let him be, if things end up badly, that is still his fault and it is his issue to deal with.

[Lisa D]

3. I'm sure this is a difficult decision for you.

It's a tough situation.

You're right in that the odds this May-December romance will end well are probably not high. But then, there are no guarantees of any marriage ending well.

Also, it may be important to one or both of them that the baby is not born out of wedlock. And the fact is that he will be tied to this woman and their child for at least the next 18 years through child support, birthdays, graduations, etc..

I think if you don't support the marriage, then you tell him that you wouldn't be comfortable as a groomsman in those circumstances. You can still wish him well, send a gift, etc..

If I was getting married, I certainly wouldn't want someone in the wedding party who didn't support us. Maybe you can approach it from that angle--that he should choose groomsmen who support his choice to marry.

Good luck!

[Xithras]

4. I'd thought about that.

I do know, that for various reasons, she really doesn't want the baby born out of wedlock. Part of the reason he's doing this is because she broke down when she realized that her kid would be born "without a father". Like I said...she's from a fundy family.

He already knows that I don't support the marriage, but asked me to do it anyway. His brothers and another of his friends already told him no, and I think he's getting a bit desperate to find someone. He even used the line "You don't have to support the marriage, you just have to support me!"

I know that he's trying to do the right thing now, but this whole thing just has an "icky" feeling to it.

[elleng]

5. Stand with/for him.

He's been a good friend, and will continue to be if you do so.
Who cares about the 'impression' that you support the marriage? You can surely tell him your feelings (later may be better,) but you'll be there for the babe AND to advise your friend, as time goes on and the marriage 'goes on.'

SORRY you (and he) are in this situation.

[newcriminal]

6. I agree with your friend.

He already knows how you feel about him getting married, and he still wants you to be a groomsman. This is the time for you to support him not necessarily his decision. He needs you as a friend. Be there for him.

[hunter]

7. Sounds like it's moved beyond traditional ethics at this point.

Knowing how you feel, and that her family has fundamentalist views, imagine what's going on inside the head of the preacher who marries them...



I'd say it's a party for the bride and her family and a commitment by your friend to their kid. No harm in that. I can't say I'd refuse to be a groomsman for any ethical reasons.

Never in my life have I thought about the money, mostly because I rarely have any. I'll probably die crazy and homeless.

"Bye bye wealth," is one of the risks a person takes in any sexual relationship, especially a marriage. It's up to your friend and nobody else to determine if that risk is acceptable.

It's not your job to support the wedding, it's your job to support your friend.


Maybe I should write an advice column.

Just don't blame me if the advice is bad.

[Xithras]

11. Nah, it's good advice

And consistent with what others are saying. It's not bad advice, and I know on one level that it's correct, but I can't get over this weird feeling about the whole thing.

I think it may have to do with the fact that I have a 19 year old daughter of my own, and I just can't imagine her marrying a guy my age. My daughter and his haven't been friends on many years, and she doesn't even know the bride-to-be, but I know she's pretty ooged out over the the whole thing too. It's tough for me not to see it from the perspective of a father.

I also know that he genuinely felt like crap about it and regretted doing it, even before he found out she was pregnant (he talked to me and another friend about his guilt just a few weeks after it happened). I guess that a part of me worries that he's marrying her out of guilt, which is why I don't want to be seen as directly supporting the marriage.

[hunter]

15. I don't get how this happens either.

My kids are young adults now but they are still kids to me. Anyone their age is a kid to me too. I'd be very uncomfortable if my kids decided to marry someone my age, especially in circumstances similar to your friend's.

[alan_phillips]

8. honesty is always the best policy

With all you have been through with him, I would say you should discuss what you put here with him. Open up and tell him you do not agree with it, but you are still his friend, and if he wants your support, you will be there for him. It can be tough sometimes, but if he is a true friend he will understand your concerns and respect you for your position.

[mrmpa]

9. IMHO..........

if I were your friend, I wouldn't even marry her. I would not make that commitment until the paternity test is in. If I were him (I know I'm not) my first call would have been to my attorney and there would be a prenup (even if he didn't have money).

[Xithras]

13. There's not much question about the paternity

According to my friends daughter, who was one of the girls best friends before this came about, she had only had sex with one guy previously, and that had been almost a year beforehand. She also hadn't had a boyfriend or gone on a date in months. Two days after the "sleepover", she went on a vacation and was stuck in her families RV for almost two weeks.

He was still hesitant about it until last week, when they went in and did an early ultrasound to confirm the development of the fetus and calculated the pregnancy date (they did it specifically because he was being hesitant). The doctors math put the pregnancies probable start date within one day of him sleeping with her.

Unless the girl was secretly sleeping around and not even telling her own friends, there is little question that he is the father.

[mrmpa]

23. Okay...................

I'm just the always hesitant, questioning DU'er. Lol. I'm a 50 something female, who can't really answer the question(s) you have.

[azurnoir]

10. Be there for him, not the wedding itself

he's your friend and it sounds as though he will need a friend now and in the near future

[avebury]

12. Is he going to require the girl

to sign a pre-nup? That would be the only way to protect himself if the marraige blows up. There is a difference between being there for the child and providing child support and kissing his money goodbye if the marriage does not last.

[Xithras]

14. They're still working the prenup thing out.

I don't know all of the details, but he did apparently try to get her to sign a prenup protecting all of his assets and she refused. Her dad has now talked her into signing one, but they're (my friend and her dad) working out numbers to make sure that she's "taken care of" if things don't work out. I presume that refers to a pre-determined settlement of some sort. I also asked him if the prenup had an out if the kid turned out not to be his, and he said that he hadn't considered it but was going to bring it up.

He's not (usually) an idiot, and his lawyer is looking over the whole thing.

[avebury]

17. Hopefully, he will demand a parternity test BEFORE

his name is put on the birth certificate.

[Xithras]

16. Thanks for the advice everyone.

I just sent him a text saying that I'd do it. He's a friend and I hate to see him do something stupid, but the damage is done. He knows that I think it's a mistake, and that I'll do what I can to support him.

[femmocrat]

18. It sounds to me like he needs a good friend right now.

That is why he chose you. It's not your place to judge him. I would do it.

[Spike89]

19. The wedding party is there to support their friends

You were right to let your friend know your feelings, but judging the odds isn't really anyone other than the couple's job ultimately. Likewise for the age difference...they are both legal adults.

Really, all that matters is, do you hope (even if you doubt) that this brings them happiness? If you want the decision he has made to fail, then you shouldn't do it. If you hope they defy the odds, you belong next to him at the wedding.

[nomorenomore08]

20. I'd bite my tongue and do it, for a long-time friend like that.

Figuring he needed me at that moment more than anything.

[cliffordu]

21. The heart wants what the heart wants

And so do penises and vaginas. Sometimes unfortunately.

Support your friend. Support them both.

This marriage is gonna be a trial enough without losing all friends.

Give them presents for the baby. After the wedding.

[NightWatcher]

22. Do it. Mistake or not, just be there to have his back

You're not having to sign off on anything or swear an allegiance. Just be a bud.

[Incitatus]

24. Yes.

They are adults and it is their choice and perhaps mistake to make. You voiced your concerns. It was inappropriate for him to have sex with one of his daughters friends. The age difference in sex or couple's marriage, I couldn't care less.

IMO, you should be there for your friend.

[HeiressofBickworth]

25. Hate to break it to you, Toots,

but your friendship is over either way. Any time away from work will be spent with the child-bride and the baby. Because of her age, she will require complete and total attention. And she will require significant efforts at co-parenting. He won't have time to be climbing mountains and wilderness camping with you or any of his other friends.

It's pretty much the same way with women. Once they get married they have little to no time for their friends. I've always thought this is a mistake because friends can be wonderful sources of acceptance and encouragement.

So, stand up with him. He may need you on the way down.

[Bucky]

27. That's a little too harsh (and a little too certain)

But your advice is right on. Stand by a friend, even when they're making a non-fatal mistake.

[Generic Brad]

26. Absolutely

I'm so disagreeable to begin with that the odds of anyone asking me to stand for them at their wedding is extremely remote. So if I ever get asked, I would humbly accept the honor (unless they were racist or criminal).

[Bucky]

28. I've had a friend marry a woman I didn't approve of. But it wasn't my marriage.

I say you make nice. Stand by your friend. You support him even if you don't support his decision.

Marrying the wrong person is hardly a life or death situation. Worst case scenario is probably they're miserable for a few years, she outgrows him, and they divorce. Then you're still his friend.