I need just a few of your vibes, please.

[Denninmi]

I know I have done really well bringing myself back from the brink last year, but I now find that I am having anxiety and really vivid memories of past traumas coming back. A lot lower level than last year, but enough I am spooked by it. Last night I had a session with my trainer, and he could tell something was wrong, kept asking me if I was ok, and at one point it got to me and I kind of had to fight back the tears. I was able to do,it so he didn't notice.

I know I have to deal with this. I have an appt this morning with the psychiatrist. As much as I desperately want a 100% squeaky clean bill of mental health that states "this guy is about 1000% sane" I have to nip this in the bud NOW before it gets out of control. So, I have to tell her and see what we can do about it.

I can handle a few roadbumps, just not a full on 110 MPH car crash.

Hi and TIA. My anxious angst filled PTSD self thanks you for your ongoing support.

[In_The_Wind]

1. You'll be okay ...

[img][/img]

[Rhiannon12866]

2. Sending you positive thoughts and wishes

Just remember that you have the force of DU with you.

[Scuba]

3. ohhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

[LiberalEsto]

4. Perhaps this is actually normal

Maybe you're just purging the last bits..
Good vibes to you!

[Denninmi]

5. Yeah, I got back from my appointment.

That's pretty much what she said. It's something that is burnt into my memory, the time of year, situations, etc. are bringing it up, and I am sensitive to that anyway. She did confirm one thing that was reassuring -- she said she is really even more convinced now that I have PTSD and not bipolar. She said this is classic C-PTSD.

We are just staying the course. Her exact words: It's just anxiety. Anxiety isn't dangerous. It can be very uncomfortable, but it won't hurt you. If you need to cry, cry. If you vomit, you vomit. Just remember it will pass and you will be ok."

She also very much believes I am on the right course by confronting it. I told her about going down the street that really bothered me, and how I plan to go back again and again at the same time of night until it doesn't bother me, and she thought that was a very good idea.

No drugs, either. I am doing this the old fashioned way. If necessary, fine, but I prefer not to go there.

This lyric pretty much sums it up -- "Just breathe" (of course, Faith Hill might make me breathe a little harder, but that's an entirely different situation )

[Xyzse]

7. Oh my...

What a nice picture.
Kinda got distracted me there for a bit.

[Xyzse]

6. Sending it on.

Good luck man.

You're doing real well, and I'm glad you're continuing on.

[Wait Wut]

8. That's normal...I promise.

No one is sunny and joyous every single day. I think you may be more anxious about the feelings because you're so concerned about 'slipping back'. We all have moments where something sneaks back to haunt us. When that happens, find something to do until it passes. It helps if that something involves another person. It's easier to quiet your thoughts when you have to concentrate on someone else's.

You're okay.

[hedgehog]

9. You've made a significant step recognizing that what your feeling is coming from inside

rather than outside. I usually go through this certain times of the year, and when I can step back and realize that I was at a low point on my annual cycle, it helps a lot.

Hang in there - you're doing well!

[Denninmi]

10. I love you all.

Thanks so much for the support, and for making me feel like a "normal" guy again. It helps a lot, more than you can know.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

12. Oh, my dear Denninmi...

We all love you, and are so proud of the very difficult progress you have made...

[grasswire]

11. Denn, I've been meaning to tell you...

....that your postings have helped me to understand what a family member of mine has gone through in the last few years, coming to grips with childhood abuse and spousal abuse. Thank you for your courage and your transparency here.

Of course we are here for you, all the way.

And are you doing walnuts this year?

[Denninmi]

13. Oh God. Walnuts?

You want me to go nuts again?

Yeah, probably, we're critically short of shelled nutmeats in the freezer, probably down to our last 40-45 pounds.

[graywarrior]

14. Been there.

Trust yourself. It's normal to freak out after traumatic experiences. You'll be fine.

[RebelOne]

16. Been there also. I would have anxiety attacks because of depression.

It takes a while, but believe me, you will recover. I did and that was 30 years ago.

[graywarrior]

17. Anxiety attacks are brutal

But now that I know what they are, I can usually talk myself down. We have more power over our panic than we know.

[life long demo]

15. You know everyone is here for you.

Take a deep breath and exhale.

[snacker]

18. Sending positive vibes your way...

along with a hug.

[magical thyme]

19. FWIW, I've been having flashbacks of my own lately

I've gone for long stretches without them, but when I'm physically tired sometimes they start up. I expect it's something I'll deal with for life.

I think the important thing is not whether or not you occasionally have flashbacks, but what you do with them. I will find myself unexpectedly on a rant. My older dog just looks disgusted and leaves the room to mope someplace else. My younger dog wants to fix it. I just try to re-set my thoughts, and go hug my dogs, to reassure little Luna that it's not his fault and nothing bad is going to happen if I go on a rant, and reassure Jakes that it's not his fault and that I just needed to blow off steam.

What I don't do is act them out. I may act on the anger; one of my rants has to do with a lifetime of being picked on to the point of harassed. Now I'm angry and resentful that I feel forced to put up game cameras to monitor my property. Both money and free time are tight, and I resent having neighbors who are so disrespectful and hateful that I feel the need for surveillance cameras. But one has tried to kill my horses and dogs, and the other has tried to kill my dogs and I must protect my family. So I send hate vibes to the evil neighbors, and have ordered the cameras. In the end, it will be better for us. We'll all be safer.

And I'm starting to like my hospital job, now that I'm able to do it in peace without being harassed by the brain damaged, alcholic divorced janitor. I feel resentful that I was stalked and sexually harassed right after I started working there. It made my first year absolute hell, and ruined things for me there before I even could get trained on the job. I resent that I was forced to file a sexual harassment complaint 4 months into a new job, but it is a demanding job and I did not have MLT school confused with an expensive, piss-poor dating service. And I resent that my complaint was not taken seriously, that I was bullied and abused by the lab manager, and the stalker persisted with impunity for as long as he did. I'm relieved he was finally fired and has moved out of state. But the fact is it was a major setback and huge stress for me that I could not afford and did not deserve. I'm almost 60 years old and a professional. I don't look or act like I'm trying to find a date, FFS. What the fuck is wrong with people?

And I resent the way my family treated me. It's over and done, but my sisters had some fucking nerve acting showing up after 25 years of pretending I don't exist and bad-mouthing me to the rest of the family, and acting like nothing ever happened. And threatening me. Some goddam fucking nerve.

The thing is, we're all damaged goods. We are all the Walking Wounded. We all carry baggage and we all have occasional flashbacks and flip outs. That's not insanity. That's being human.

[rurallib]

20. we are all pulling for you.

just think of a vast America with lots of people like me cheering for you.
People like you keep me going.

[nolabear]

21. You'll be fine. You've been facing it a lot lately and that can trigger, but it's far less.

I liken the therapy process, the process of dealing with the whole load life hands us, as metabolic. It takes time to digest things, and they get kicked back up, but more and more digested. If you just shut it off it wouldn't be metabolized at all, but it takes strength and time and support.

Welcome to "support."

[onestepforward]

22. Sending you good vibes

[Bertha Venation]

23. Denninmi

You are in a tough place. I understand, currently being there myself.

I wish you strength. I wish you the ability to realize what you're experiencing is temporary. I wish you faith in your psychiatrist, knowing that she will do exactly the right thing, offer you exactly the right counsel.

Anxiety goes away. You can get through this; you will get through this -- without a crash.

Please update after you see your psychiatrist.

[Denninmi]

24. Thank you so much, BV.

And, I hope that you and Mrs. V can both find health and peace as well, you deserve it. :hug" back at'cha!

Actually, I had the appointment yesterday, and leaving there was one of those, "whew, I feel so relieved" moments. She said the kind of anxiety I am feeling is a perfectly normal reaction to traumas/stresses/bad memories, but especially for someone with C-PTSD. The biggest take away I got was when she said that I need to take it for what it is, anxiety is just anxiety, and as long as I recognize that it's not really harmful, as long as I don't blow it up into my mind that it's something bigger than that, it will pass. She said it might be unpleasant at times, but not dangerous. Which in and of itself seemed to help me a lot, because it turned the balance of power in my favor, my mind can so go to a place where I can say "you're not real, go away" when it pops up.

Because frankly, the thing that really bothered me was the thought that these feelings were some kind of sign that I was going to lose it again, that it would spiral out of control in some way through paralyzing fear, which is a mostly what happened last year. I told her this, and she said it wasn't anything like that. Just anxiety, as I wrote above.

Also, we talked about whether or not I would benefit from any kind of anti-anxiety med, and she thought, and I agreed, that I am better off without it. If it gets to the point I feel I need it, I will ask, but I'm pretty much a "you need to do this on your own" kind of guy. And honestly, it is both a relief and almost a matter of pride (but I won't be stupid about it) that I don't need meds. Kinda scared me to see a lot of medication zombies last year. I have to be fully functional in life, both for work and personal life. And, I tend to react to a lot of meds anyway, even non-drowsy allergy pills put me to sleep. So, better this way.

Finally, I left there with such a good feeling about this doctor. Like she is a partner in healthcare, not a thug like the first one. And, frankly, I've met enough psychiatrists over the years for various reasons, including at work regarding clients, to say that many of them are as messed up as their patients. She seems pretty "normal", friendly, good sense of humor, personable, concerned.

[Bertha Venation]

25. your psychiatrist

I am so glad to hear that you've got such a good doctor on your side! They are hard to find. I see my own psych. for meds only, and she is worth her weight in gold. I wish I didn't need the meds, and I abhor the side effects, but -- better living through chemistry. Seriously. I am so glad you don't need them.

Long ago, my first therapist, who saved my life, taught me the same thing about anxiety. It's just a thing. It is scary but it can't hurt you if you realize it's just a thing that will go away.

I hope you have a peaceful weekend.