Could you have a relationship with someone that you were not strongly attracted to?

[Yavin4]

I know people who do this and continue to do this. A friend of mine is married, but he still pines for another woman. And, he was upset when this other woman got married. He loves his wife, but he's not as attracted to her as he is to this other woman.

I simply could not do something like that. I have to be attracted to someone before I even ask them out. It's also why I don't have faith in online dating. I need to feel something for a person before I go out with them. Having things in common is not the basis for a future relationship.

[Chan790]

1. No.

Really no. I can't date people I'm not attracted to any more than I can date people of average/below-average intelligence.

I've gotten crap here for this before but I will date the meanest most selfish monsters if they're hot, dress stylishly, enjoy nightlife, are brilliant and are good in bed. All the "we're compatible" in the world to go with shared interests and being a nice person will not cover for plainness or homeliness.

I however love online dating...they post a picture and tell you all the crap you normally have to figure out how to subtly ask on a first date like "Are you looking for someone to marry you and starting having kids in the immediate term? (Because I'm not up for that.)" and "Is there an even 50%-chance we're sleeping together tonight? (I need to know so I can figure out whether to pick the onions out of this salad and pass on the garlic bread.)". It's like catalog shopping for romance...I like catalog shopping: It's easy, convenient and I don't have to put on pants.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

3. How do you define compatible? Sounds like you are compatible with

the meanest most selfish monsters if they're hot, dress stylishly, enjoy nightlife, are brilliant and are good in bed. All the "we're compatible" in the world to go with shared interests and being a nice person will not cover for plainness or homeliness.

I mean wouldn't it stand to reason that the people you are "dating" are also looking for those same traits and that is one of the reasons that you guys are attracted to each other in the first place?

[Chan790]

7. No. Not at all.

I tend to attract a certain type of "geek girl" that does nothing for me...it's really an asymmetrical attraction thing; I'm not attracted to people who are like me: nerdy and perhaps a little too stuck in their own head, bookish, low-energy, sarcastic, quiet, dry humor, slightly pudgy. (OMG, do they love me though. I have two handfuls of female friends like this...they're almost all women I've rejected.) I tend to fall for the social butterflies who are very image-conscious, upbeat, high social-IQ, not-sarcastic, high-energy, focused and extremely-attractive...and usually horrible human beings. (Evil, genuine, true "I kick puppies and will name our children Ronald and Reagan" evil is a turn-on. I wish it weren't.)

I attract the now-in-vogue "geek girl" (and worse, the "Manic Pixie Dream Girl" (I do not believe, no matter how much Hollywood pushes it or how many of them Zooey Deschanel plays, this appeals to any man.)) and am interested in "cheerleaders". I guess when I say "compatible" previously I mean "the people I know think I would fit with this person because They're just like you, Chan". I can't think of anything I want less...I want "complementary" where that can be understood as mostly my opposite.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

9. so then

I see. Short term objective is your goal.

[azurnoir]

25. well fortunately there are avenues for a gentleman of your discerning standards

Unfortunately few of them come for free or even cheaply, so my suggestion is that you use your superior IQ to make a bundle and then you can have the best money will buy-problem solved

[loli phabay]

8. yup this, i only have ever dated hot, the sexual attraction has to be off the scale

[Fortinbras Armstrong]

14. What a remarkably shallow attitude

I've gotten crap here for this before but I will date the meanest most selfish monsters if they're hot, dress stylishly, enjoy nightlife, are brilliant and are good in bed. All the "we're compatible" in the world to go with shared interests and being a nice person will not cover for plainness or homeliness.

I once dated Cathy, a woman who was absolutely great in bed, and had hot looks as well. However, that was really all she had going for her; she was selfish, she was not very intelligent, nor was she really a nice person. I married a woman who is nowhere as good looking, and has a number of sexual inhibitions which limits what she will do in the sack. However, Sue is smart and really nice. Moreover, my sexual relationship with Sue means that we are making love, not just having sex -- and love is so much better than mere sex. If I were to meet Cathy and she were to offer to go to bed with me, I would turn her down without hesitation.

Incidentally, Sue and I celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary earlier this year.

[Chan790]

15. I'm happy for you and anybody who finds what they want in a partner.

Why am I less entitled to that? I'm a 33 year old man; I think I'm experienced enough to know what I want out of life, what I need in a partner and what works for me without being called "remarkably shallow" for it.

[Fortinbras Armstrong]

17. If you don't understand that you are going for the superficial

Then you deserve to be called shallow.

[Chan790]

28. Other than looks...

I think my complaint has more to do with type than superficiality.

Let's strip away all the labels and archetypes...I am not attracted to women who are terribly like other people's perceptions of me which means I'm not particularly attracted to the kinds of women who are attracted to me...or more precisely to their perception of me.

[eShirl]

2. Do you plan on living to an old age?

You'll either get used to it, or come to enjoy being alone.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

4. Long lasting relationships tend to share a similar value system. I think this would be more

important than having similar interests and hobbies.

[Go Vols]

34. +1

[Denninmi]

5. No.

I've settled for too much in my life already. I deserve better than second best. I think this says it well:

[u4ic]

6. Your question and the situation are different

Or at least as you've described. It doesn't sound like he isn't attracted to his wife, just that he has the hots for someone else. That happens in long term relationships (or, as long as you're alive). I wouldn't be surprised if his wife had the hots for someone, too.

Physical attractions will come and go. This guy may wake up next week and wonder why the hell he liked other woman in the first place. She may be a ideal fantasy because she is unavailable. Wait till you see him or her barfing with the stomach flu, or complaining yet again about something you did, or enraged, or anything else that makes them look 'bad'.

If he had a relationship with her and never got over her, one thing. If he just pines, completely different. Nothing is going to happen between them again either way it sounds like, but the first was at least grounded in reality at some point. The second, not at all.

And the answer to your question...no. Been there, done that, not again.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

10. yes

Attracion not same as compatibility.

[u4ic]

24. That this guy is pining

could also mean a number of things. He finds her attractive, he may just not be able to differentiate the difference between love and lust (don't know what his age is, though people of all ages can have problems with this one). He may be looking for a way out of his marriage, and his focus becomes someone else. Perhaps the marriage has become stale, and neither side is doing anything about it (or even acknowledging it). He may be the personality type that wants what he cannot have; it's obviously unrequited. The OP notes that he loves his wife - but in what way? As a romantic partner/wife, lover, friend, sister...

If someone is self aware, it could precipitate some soul searching. He's troubling himself by not letting it go. Attraction is attraction, falling for a person or object doesn't mean you have to possess it.

Anyone who's been burned by the irresistible attraction thang usually learns a lesson. Usually.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

26. good to see you, u4ic - been a while -

so many ways to define the word: relationship ...

don't be a stranger, kay?

[u4ic]

32. Nice to see you, too, TA!

[olddots]

11. My wife and I aren't really attracted to each other

I am still hung up on Sarah Palin and Lisa is still in love with that dreamy Mr. Rand Paul (can you blame her ? )-----

No seriously our relationship is based entirely on shallow animal lust and our love for SATIN !

[Locut0s]

12. I have no experience upon which to form an opinion BUT...

I'll give what I think my opinion is, again no experience, so it's not a REAL opinion yet lol.

I'd say for most people there HAS to be some physical attraction. What you define as strongly attracted here is hard to define though. The thing is that mental attraction and physical attraction can play off each other. I know that a girl's physical attraction is magnified in my minds eye when I learn that she may have similar interests / world view etc.. to me. But this effect is never going to turn someone I'm NOT physically attracted to into someone that I am. But it certainly might make someone I find a little cute into someone I couldn't resist. And I think this is important, there has to be a base amount of physical attraction to begin with. I'm sorry but no amount of emotional compatibility is going to really make up for a total lack of physical attraction and I think that's a fairly important part of a relationship, even long term.

Again just my 2 cents.

[In_The_Wind]

13. Sometimes the attraction fades but the relationship becomes a good friendship.

[pipi_k]

16. Exactly...

That's what happened in my case.

After 18 years in my 3rd marriage, I no longer feel the same physical attraction (which wasn't that strong to begin with), but at the core of the relationship is a really good friendship.

I'm not left with the same empty feelings of "is that all there is?" that I've had with other men for whom I had an attraction but little else.

After the sex with the others (which, IMO, is way overrated anyway), there was nothing left. No shared goals. Few shared values. Little intellectual compatibility.

It's a horrible feeling. Lonely. Empty.

I would rather be with someone I'm attracted to on more than just a physical level.

[alarimer]

18. I think attraction can and should be more than physical

I am more attracted to the way someone thinks, their sense of humor (preferably goofy/sarcastic), their interest in the world outside their little corner of it, etc., than I am in how they look.

When I look at someone's profile at OkCupid or whatever, as long as they are not physically repellent (which basically means that they show little evidence of taking care of themselves), I will consider responding as long as the profile reveals some interesting aspects to their personality.

Then again, I'm shallow enough to be turned off by bad grammar and spelling in the message or the profile.

[jakeXT]

19. I'm always amazed when there is no attraction and somehow through time and later hormones a bond

forms.

Oxytocin, the Love Hormone, Also Keeps People Apart

The results suggest that oxytocin has a role in maintaining relationships after they are sparked and add to growing evidence for differences in how the hormone acts to modulate social interactions—for example, promoting bonds with familiar people but provoking aggression with strangers. “It's not all positive with oxytocin,” says Dirk Scheele, a psychologist involved with the study. “And what you call prosocial or antisocial depends on your perspective.”

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=oxytocin-love-hormone-keeps-people-apart

And I've never been an extreme hand holder. (lol)

http://vimeo.com/72207777

[bigwillq]

20. No (nt)

[ConcernedCanuk]

21. That what beer is for

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CC

ps: - this the Lounge after all . . .

[Neoma]

40. Beer has been around A LOT longer than that.

[MrsBrady]

22. I met someone once

and I had never met him before except a brief conversation via email.

He asked me out for a drink. We went for a drink.
I thought he was a nice guy, but there wasn't any spark.

The next day we talked for a few hours off and on during the day...it was a Saturday....
and we did have quite a few interests and likes in common...also he was not a right wing nut job, so there's that.
I already had plans to go see some music and I invited him to come with me if he didn't have any other plans.
He decided to meet me for the show.
I was willing to see him again, but still...wasn't thinking along the lines of being attracted to him...
just thinking of a nice guy to go see some music with.

My point is, I guess, is that sometimes you can get to know someone a little and then it hits you...the attraction, I mean....
because...by the time we went for a drink Saturday after the show....I was crazy attracted to him.

[Yavin4]

23. Thank you for this.

Your story is great.

[Sheldon Cooper]

38. I absolutely agree, it happened to me as well.

People are more than their appearance, and if you are willing to give it time, they can become very, very attractive after all.

[blueamy66]

42. Sounds familiar

I went out on one date and thought it was fun. It was just supposed to be sushi, but he suggested we catch a baseball game. So I went. It was fun, but I wasn't sure if I was attracted to him. I guess I may still be hung up on another relationship.

Anyway, we've been talking on the phone ALOT. We have so much in common. He has the same religious beliefs and likes a lot of the same stuff I do. Plus, he's got a great job.

I am now quite a bit attracted to him and look forward to our next date.

What happened with you? Are you two together?

[UTUSN]

27. Not for sex. nt

[SammyWinstonJack]

29. Attracted to? 24 yrs and I just want to not wish I were dead, every day, which being in this

¨relationship" causes me to wish, every damn day!


No way out.

[UtahLib]

33. I've been married for forty years.

Although, we've had our ups and downs, our good times and bad times, I have never felt smothered or trapped.

Obviously, you have come to the conclusion that your relationship can not be salvaged. It makes me sad to feel the aching bitterness and hopelessness in your comment.

I can't imagine why you feel so defeated but I sincerely hope you eventually come to the realization that you are worth much more than having to accept a miserable unfulfilled life.

Please, find the strength and will to reach for what you need for your own well being.

[Sheldon Cooper]

37. Well, that sounds terrible.

Obviously, I don't know your situation. But unless you are being kept locked in a basement, like those young women in Cleveland, there is always a way out.

[B Calm]

30. Probably, but when I was a young man I was sexual attracted

to any girl out there!

[DebJ]

31. Having things in common is not the basis for a future relationship???

I can't comprehend that. At all.

[patricia92243]

36. I'm with you on that one. I thought having things in common was the BASIS of a good, lasting

relationship. Sexual attraction fades. On the other hand, it can be made stronger when people share things in common and genuinely LIKE each other.

[Go Vols]

35. I prefer women smarter than myself,

also prefer women that are really good in bed.

I had to settle.

[Dash87]

39. No, but I find some physically attractive people repulsive.

Personality is more important than anything, and physical attraction isn't the only draw towards someone, imo.

[ConcernedCanuk]

41. Many physically attractive people abuse their good looks to fool people

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.
.

But that is not really news,

is it?

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