What is this kind of communication called?

[Duer 157099]

First let me say that it could all be my imagination, but let me describe what I'm talking about.

Do you know people who want to say something indirectly, so they use an example, but in reality they are talking about you? Like, they might say: "Doesn't it bother you how so-and-so does XYZ? That drives me crazy!" and you yourself feel that they could well be talking about you, because you know that you do XYZ.

I can't figure out if it is the speaker being passive-aggressive, or if it is me being hyper-sensitive.

I'm very attuned to this kind of communication for some reason. I myself do not engage in it, ever, but I'm aware when other people *seem* to do it.

Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

[Populist_Prole]

1. Well I find I do that sometimes-with good intentions though

As a way of scaring, or pre-empting stupid thought processes from my right-leaning friends before they say anything; The idea being they're more likely to think things through and have a more nuanced view or even agree with you rather than them getting defensive if you attack their view after they state it.

For example, I'll sense during a conversation that it's about to turn political and I'll say something like "Can you believe some of these people actually have no problem with these Republicans wanting to turn this country into a fascist theocracy?" He won't want to be assosciated with such an extreme view, but I didn't attack him directly and so he has the choice of either thinking it through and having a more rational/reasoned view or spitting out flames if he really agrees with the people I described, and thus making himself look like a fanatical jerk.

Sorry if that's to wordy or turgid for clarity but the dynamic is tough for me to put into words. I think many of us do this third person communication thing without realizing it.

[Duer 157099]

3. I know what you're talking about

but I think that I generally defend whatever I believe anyway in that situation. For example, if someone were to say, "Can you believe that some people believe that life exists elsewhere in the universe!?!" I'll say: Yeah, I do, let's talk about it. So that tactic doesn't generally work with me. I don't easily get shamed away from my beliefs or positions, even the kooky ones.

What I'm describing is a little more personal, about behaviors rather than beliefs. I can't decide if I'm just projecting too much, that is, thinking it is all about ME ME ME when really it isn't at all. Or if this mode of communication (that is foreign to me in that I do not use it) is more generally used by other people. I can't figure it out. The only way I could be certain were if I were to ask: Are you talking about me? but then the person has complete plausible deniability and would likely say "Gosh NO, of course not!"

Know what I mean?

[OxQQme]

2. Interesting topic

as I am currently reading a Terry Pratchett novel, "I Shall Wear Midnight", in which this/these are referred to as 'spill'words.

<snip>
Spill Words

Techniques > Use of language > Modifying meaning > Spill Words
Method | Example | Discussion | See also

Method
Spill words are words that are intended yet which remain unsaid.
Sometimes they are so obvious, everyone gets them. Sometimes they are so subtle, only a few people get them. Sometimes they are a form of private conversation between two people.
Example
What a nice place. It's so ... nice. (It's pretty but I don't like it)

Michael bought Susan flowers. (Why can't you buy me flowers?)

Nice legs! (I'd like to go to bed with her)

Discussion
Conversations are littered with spill words. We say a few words but mean a whole lot more. Why do we not just what we mean? Often it is to do with manners and social norms. It is generally forbidden to criticize others, particularly when others around, in order to 'save face'.
Spill words are often intended to be understood by others as we talk in cultural codes. They may also accidentally leak what we are thinking. By paying attention to the spill in conversations and when others are talking you can pick up a lot of what people are really thinking.>

from: http://changingminds.org/techniques/language/modifying_meaning/spill_words.htm

[Nikia]

4. My MIL does this all the time

It often upsets me.
She is a passive aggressive type.
Sometimes, such talk could just be a coincidence but if the person talking knows that you do XYZ, it probably isn't just an accident.
I usually error on the side of not offending someone by such talk if I think that there is more than a slight possibility that the people I am talking to or around do XYZ.
On message boards, like this one, someone probably does XYZ so unless someone has recently posted about it, anything posted here is probably just a coincidence and not a personal attack.

[Duer 157099]

5. Same here

I will deliberately *not* talk about certain things that might be critical if I suspect someone in earshot engages in such behavior. I certainly would never ever be able to say it to the face of someone without stumbling over my words and eventually confessing my full intent before the conversation ended, lol.

This is real life stuff, not message board, I take everything online with a huge huge grain of salt.

[HopeHoops]

6. No.

[Major Nikon]

7. Chickenshit is generally the preferred term

[lunatica]

8. Is this about XYZ picking his/her nose in public?

If that's what you do then yes, it's about you, but if not then don't worry.