Astronomers Discover New Planet That Really Makes Earth Look Like Shit

[KamaAina]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/astronomers-discover-new-planet-that-really-makes,37986/

Calling it an unprecedented finding that fundamentally reshapes how humankind views its place in the universe, astronomers from NASA announced Wednesday the discovery of a planet that makes Earth look like absolute shit.

The space agency’s researchers told the media that the recently identified planet, HD 904790 b, wipes the floor with Earth in every possible way, pointing to the celestial body’s larger size, unblemished terrestrial surface, diverse and verdant landforms, and abundance of natural resources, all of which indicate that Earth is a festering pile of garbage in comparison.

“This is a thrilling and scientifically vital discovery that has substantially furthered our understanding of how much Earth truly sucks,” said lead researcher Lisa Shapiro, emphasizing that Earth appears to be “straight-up dogshit” when contrasted with HD 904790 b’s exceptional terrain and climate. “Just taking into account this new planet’s flawless spherical shape, not to mention its pristine atmosphere free of methane and other toxic gases, reveals that our home world is pretty fucking pathetic when it comes down to it.”

“HD 904790 b has an extensive ring system that dwarfs Saturn’s, zero tectonic plate activity, and more fresh water in just one of its massive, unpolluted oceans than we have on our entire worthless shitstain of a planet,” she continued. “God, it makes me angry just to think of how much nicer it is there.”

[Galileo126]

1. Awesome!

ps: I actually checked the Henry Draper catalog to see if HD 904790 was a real star. Nope, it ain't.

[packman]

2. Hey, it's our festering pile of garbage - some respect here

The important question is - does it have oil? Oh, it's the Onion - my bad.

[Arugula Latte]

3. Is this a form of Venus envy?

[dolphinsandtuna]

4. not Venus

Venus makes every place else look good, even Mercury.

[pinboy3niner]

6. :)

[pinboy3niner]

5. I guess that makes Earth the new...

...Uranus.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

7. .

!

[Hoppy]

9. No. One big Arkansaw.

[hifiguy]

11. That's an odd way to spell Mississippi.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

8. Earth didn't suck until people came along.

Which opens the door to research on the question, What caused an intelligent creator who designed an original pristine Earth, and all of its myriad flora and fauna in a miraculous triumph of self-sustaining, interdependent beauty to suddenly become an apparent imbecile and decide to create humans?

[HubertHeaver]

19. It is an experiment. God's science fair project.

That planet, HD 904790 b, is the control planet.

[hifiguy]

10. When can the sane folks on earth leave for there?

If we could convert Earth's biggest-in-the-universe supplies of native stupidity into energy we could have warp drive within a year or two at the most.

[Hoppy]

12. I don't think the gravity on that planet would be too much fun for us.

[dolphinsandtuna]

13. My thought is the density is lower

then you can wind up with the same gravity, if I remember physics correctly.

[KamaAina]

15. I've heard good things about Kepler-186f, though.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kepler-186f

Kepler-186f is an exoplanet orbiting the red dwarf Kepler-186, about 490 light-years (151 pc) from the Earth. It is the first planet with a radius similar to Earth's to be discovered in the habitable zone of another star. NASA's Kepler spacecraft detected it using the transit method, along with four additional planets orbiting much closer to the star (all modestly larger than Earth).[5] Analysis of three years of data was required to find its signal. The results were presented initially at a conference on 19 March 2014 and some details were reported in the media at the time. The full public announcement was on 17 April 2014, followed by publication in Science.

[47of74]

20. I call dibs on ALL of Kepler 186f's beachfront property.

[KamaAina]

21. Nope.

You have to get up there and stake your claim, just like in the Old West.

[LiberalElite]

23. If I'll weigh less there, then I'm packing now

[lovemydog]

14. I'd like to hear scientists talk like that at a press conference.

They probably kind of think it with some of their discoveries.

[retired rooster]

16. Language please

Real potty mouth language for a professional astronomer to be using in a formal press interview as lead researcher and spokesperson for a team of scientist. Just saying.

[crim son]

17. Ummm, it's The Onion.

But you can't be serious. Right?

[retired rooster]

18. No Crim son...

...I was fooled although in retrospect I wonder how I was so easily fooled. I normally would have picked up on it immediately but I just got focused on the language. I do that occasionally just to prove to myself I'm not as smart as I like to think I am. Funny story, after I made that posting I was talking with my sister and I mentioned it to her about the strangeness of it. She asked what I had said so I went back to tell her exactly what was said and immediately saw it was an onion piece and had to explain to her how easily her brother was fooled. Thank you for pointing it out to me but I when I went back to delete it, you had already commented. Now the world knows how easily I was fooled. Hope I don't lose my D.U. license to comment.

[NNadir]

22. No tectonic activity?

With due respect to my friends in California, the Onion's planet sounds like a giant swamp.

No tectonic activity, no mountains, no continents...

These guys are going to drive 300,000 light years into the void just to hang out with mosquitoes?