Lost my best friend today
I did not think I would do something this, but I guess I'm that much of a mess. I had to put my little dog to sleep today. His name was Fosco and he was my constant companion for 16 years. He was the best little dog in the world and he made me so happy. I know there are other dog people on this forum who might not think I'm completely crazy when I say this: I've lost both my parents and this hurts just as much, if not more.
I was one of those people whose life was structured largely around my dog and I don't regret one bit of that. Nothing I missed out on along the way could ever compare to the joy he brought me. He was always front and center in my thoughts - where he was, what he was doing, was he safe... I have to retrain my brain to think in a whole different way now. I close my eyes and I see his little face looking up at me. I hope that will stop soon because it is exquisitely painful.
This is a picture of us together that I took a few weeks ago. He had just come through a touch-and-go surgery and I was so happy and relieved. Things were looking a lot more hopeful at that point.
Sorry to be maudlin, but please hug your dog for me tonight. To say we are lucky to have them is the understatement of the century. Sweet dreams my little angel you will live on in my heart always.
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16 years is a long time to be in love with your baby...
But tough though it was to put him to sleep today, you know you did the right thing. When their lives are more pain than joy, then it's time...
I hope your good and numerous memories of life with him will sustain you as you travel through this time of grief...
I have been there, as well, and I completely understand. 16 years together is a very long time and it's got to be such a shock. I've lost both my parents, too, but it's a completely different experience. It has been said that it's harder to lose a pet because they are always with you. Hang in there and try to remember how fortunate he was to have had you. You're in good company here... 
And the reminders are always there, even when it's been awhile. My only helpful suggestion is to keep in mind the wonderful life you gave him. It does get better, but you're bound to be in shock for awhile. I think that happens for a reason. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. And sharing with those who understand helped me, too...
And I was a mess. I'm just sharing what most helped me. And being able to talk about it - with those who understood - was what I needed, too.
They're family. The best kind of family - all love, no judgment.
They can make the worst day better and when they die, they take a piece of us with them.
"All love, no judgment" is the perfect way to put it. That was beautiful, what you wrote.
Hugging you right back.
I lost my sweetheart dog a couple years ago.
You gave Fosco an absolutely wonderful life. He will always be in your heart. And you will always be in his heart.
I'm sorry you lost your dog too. A couple years is nothing - I know we'll be loving our sweethearts to the end of our days and beyond (who knows what dreams may come, in the words of a rather notable playwright). Was your dog a Golden, like your avatar?
Thank you so much for your kindness.
Me too! From the very first day the little fuzzball came into my life. 
I love all dogs too. And dog people 
Fosco was a Maltese and his name comes from the Wilkie Collins novel "The Woman in White". Count Fosco was the name of the colorful villain in that story.
Sweet-looking cutie.
He was the sweetest, and you are sweet to say so.
They are much appreciated.
I will hug my dogs tonight. Thank you for sharing your love and pain with us. May you have beautiful memories to warm your heart for years to come.
For Fosco
If I were there they'd get the biggest hug from me too. My arms feel so empty tonight.
And a big hug for you too for your kindness. On a night when I feel so low and alone this thread is a real comfort.
has lots of treats and frisbees.
What a lovely thought. His heaven would include lots of mozzarella cheese and cats who actually want to play with him. He loved cats!
Thank you for understanding tblue37
And we won't ever forget. Ever.
Even otherwise rotten days, he was there to cuddle and make me laugh. He took all the smiles with him when he left me today.
Thank you so much for your beautiful words
Yes, devastating. But I hope Nikko has lots of robust good health left in him! Please give him a big hug from me.
With our animal companions it is pure love, without all the variables and complexities of human relationships. And pure love without judgment (as Solly Mack put it above) is something we all need and want.
Thank you so much for your kind words
And I'm glad puppy hugs were part of your evening. We can never do it enough.
Grieve not,
nor speak of me with tears,
but laugh and talk of me
as if I were beside you...
I loved you so --
'twas Heaven here with you.
by Isla Paschal Richardson
That is beautiful.
Did I just say that out loud?
Thank you so much for your kind words
Our dogs would love us to the ends of the earth. They are taken, but they would never leave.
Thank you for sharing that with me.
You have a lot of hugging to do sir.
I was damned lucky and I know it. Thank you so much for your kind words.
You don't have to be a poet - just connecting with someone who understands the pain is a comfort. One minute at a time sounds more doable than one day at a time. I'll aim for that.
A big thank you and a big hug for you and Shrimpy
Yes, he will always be right there in my heart, every day of my life. He was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Thank you so much for your kindness and good wishes.
Sounds like your Trot is always by your side, just like my Fosco was with me. You get so close, they begin to feel like a part of you. In my case, the best part. I hope Trot is with you for a long time to come. Please give him a big hug from me too and thank you so much for your kindness.
I am so sorry for your loss, CrawlingChaos. They always leave us too soon, but they leave us with wonderful memories. You gave Fosco as much love as you got...and when your pain fades, you'll be left just with the memories and the love.
I had it in my head that I'd have a few more months with him, because that's what his doctor had predicted, and I was feeling so cheated out of those months. But then I tried to tell myself today, if I'd had those months, would it have been enough time? Nope. Not a year, not 10 years... it would never have been enough time.
Thank you so much for your kind thoughts.
I have a particular soft spot for senior dogs who get dumped, and I was thinking of adopting/fostering along those lines, because as you were saying, there isn't time to get so profoundly attached (although I'll bet it still happens sometimes). I have family members who are involved in animal rescue so I expect it's only a matter of time before a little face is put before me that melts my heart.
Thank you so much for the kind words and good wishes.
is unfortunately part of our love. Our furbabies are so important to us that we willingly give them a big piece of our heart even knowing that someday they will pass on, leaving a big hole behind.
To be able to stand this day and say "I don't regret one bit" is awesome, and a testament that you gave Fosco the best life possible. It will take time to move on from grief, but that doesn't mean leaving Fosco behind. Your arms will be empty, but he will live on in many cherished memories.
We share your pain, CC.
What a lovely thing to say.
I know what you mean though - they can start to look like other fluffy white breeds depending on how long the coat gets. Believe it or not there's only 5 lbs of dog under all that fluff. Depending on how they cut his hair, he could come out looking like a little baby lamb, or a teddy bear, or a little poodle... but always adorable, even when he was a mess. I used to tell him I wished I could be a total slob and roll around in dirt and still look completely adorable.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I hope he will be waiting for me. I know I'll be waiting for him.
Indeed, there are many here on DU who have been through this kind of pain,
so please know we understand how much your heart is broken by this loss.
You gave Fosco a wonderful life, for which he gave you much love,
and although he is now gone--I like to think of my pets gathered at the Rainbow Bridge--
that love will stay with you forever.
When I knew he was dying, I would hold against my chest and think, you're going to live inside here now. I can't feel his soft fur or look into is big dark eyes, but the love of him fills my whole heart. I like the thought of him waiting for me too... I'll always be waiting for him.
Thank you so much for your kind words.
There's no way around the grief and pain.
I am so so sorry. Your beautiful love for Fosco just shines through in your picture. I hope you can find some peace in the days ahead
a hug for you...
I was saying to someone yesterday, on the list of all-time shittiest days, this just rocketed to number one.
Can't thank you enough for the lovely things you said. And I appreciate the hug too
I used to look at him all the time and think, I can't believe you're mine.
Thank you for your kind words.
I understand how much it hurts to lose a good buddy like Fosco.
And never apologize for it. Fosco is and always will be a significant part of your life. When someone says that it gets better with time, it is true. The pain will ease, but the memory of your loved one will stay forever. It's been 34 years since I had to put down my childhood dog, and I still think and dream about him. He joined our family when I was 5, and I had to put him down when I was 20. You have many DU friends who understand what you are going through. Stay strong with the love you have for him. Take care!
Today is very hard, so I need to hear those words. That is very moving about your childhood dog. I know that to the very last days of my life, I will still be thinking and dreaming of my Fosco and loving him with all my heart. I am certain of it.
I cannot thank you enough for your kindness
I'm thinking of you.
They are pure love. He gave me so much... I can't even put it into words.
Thank you so much for your kindness
Dogs never die. They don’t know how to. They get tired, and very old, and their bones hurt. Of course they don’t die. If they did they would not want to always go for a walk, even long after their old bones say: 'No, no, not a good idea. Let's not go for a walk.' Nope, dogs always want to go for a walk. They might get one step before their aging tendons collapse them into a heap on the floor, but that's what dogs are. They walk.
It’s not that they dislike your company. On the contrary, a walk with you is all there is. Their boss, and the cacaphonic symphony of odor that the world is. Cat poop, another dog’s mark, a rotting chicken bone (exultation), and you. That’s what makes their world perfect, and in a perfect world death has no place.
However, dogs get very very sleepy. That’s the thing, you see. They don't teach you that at the fancy university where they explain about quarks, gluons, and Keynesian economics. They know so much they forget that dogs never die. It’s a shame, really. Dogs have so much to offer and people just talk a lot.
When you think your dog has died, it has just fallen asleep in your heart. And by the way, it is wagging its tail madly, you see, and that’s why your chest hurts so much and you cry all the time. Who would not cry with a happy dog wagging its tail in their chest. Ouch! Wap wap wap wap wap, that hurts. But they only wag when they wake up. That’s when they say: 'Thanks Boss! Thanks for a warm place to sleep and always next to your heart, the best place.'
When they first fall asleep, they wake up all the time, and that’s why, of course, you cry all the time. Wap, wap, wap. After a while they sleep more. (remember, a dog while is not a human while. You take your dog for walk, it’s a day full of adventure in an hour. Then you come home and it's a week, well one of your days, but a week, really, before the dog gets another walk. No WONDER they love walks.)
Anyway, like I was saying, they fall asleep in your heart, and when they wake up, they wag their tail. After a few dog years, they sleep for longer naps, and you would too. They were a GOOD DOG all their life, and you both know it. It gets tiring being a good dog all the time, particularly when you get old and your bones hurt and you fall on your face and don’t want to go outside to pee when it is raining but do anyway, because you are a good dog. So understand, after they have been sleeping in your heart, they will sleep longer and longer.
But don’t get fooled. They are not 'dead.' There’s no such thing, really. They are sleeping in your heart, and they will wake up, usually when you’re not expecting it. It’s just who they are.
I feel sorry for people who don’t have dogs sleeping in their heart. You’ve missed so much. Excuse me, I have to go cry now."
I know the pain you feel... I thought I was going crazy with grief the first several days. I even resorted to pleading to a god I do not believe in to bring her back to me.
It does get more manageable as time goes on, but just as the passage above conveys, " They are sleeping in your heart, and they will wake up, usually when you’re not expecting it." For now, just let yourself grieve the loss of your best friend.
It is a good thing to open up our hearts, even though it can bring so much pain. I adopted another rescue a year after my girl's passing. I did not think I could handle that pain again, but now I have found an additional best friend who has given me so much joy. I still tear up thinking about my girl, and I still honor her memory. She is and always be a piece of who I am. She has made me a better person.
After I found out he was dying, I starting to hold him against my chest and think, I cannot be without you so you're going to live inside here now. I would do this over and over.
It doesn't stop the crying or the pain, but it does help. Thank you so, so much demmiblue
or ASPCA. The often have pet loss support groups. I found it very comforting after having to put my 22 year old cat to sleep.
You know, we animal lovers sign up to have our hearts broken because we will almost always outlive our pets. Please take some comfort knowing that you gave little Fosco a wonderful life full of love. It may not seem possible now, but someday you will give another furbaby a wonderful life. Take care of yourself.
It could help me, I'm sure, if I can't get a handle on the grief. It helps to reach out, as I'm finding from this thread.
Yes, we animal lovers do sign up to have our hearts broken. I remember George Carlin doing a routine like that - he said something like, when you get a pet you are acquiring a small tragedy. It was actually rather moving because you could tell it had been hard for him to lose his animals. But we can't NOT be with them. Such is the bittersweet reality of life.
Thank you so much for your kind words.
to lose one. I went through this myself not long ago and it still hurts. But we know going in we won't have them forever. So we have to love them while we can and relish in the joy they bring us every day.
I have not gotten more pups yet but I am thinking about it. It's different for everyone but I know I want dogs in my life. My heart goes out to you!
I'm so sorry for your loss too. Nothing but truth in your wise words.
Sounds like you and I are in a similar place. I will keep an eye out to see if you post about bringing a new dog into your life. Maybe it will inspire me. But we have to be ready, I know. Maybe they'll find us - life has a way of doing that.
Cannot thank you enough for your kindness.
I have no shortage of sweet memories, that's for sure.
Thank you for your kind words.
I know that Buddhi will always 'live' with you. Always. Just as my boy will always be with me.
Thank you so much Surya Gayatri
I'm so sorry you lost your kitty too. I'm not surprised to hear you say it still hurts. I expect this to hurt for a very long time. It's the price we pay.
I hope he's chasing balls in the sun on the other side of the bridge. And I hope he has cats to play with, because he loved cats. And plenty of mozzarella cheese, only someone has to pretend to drop it, because it tastes ten times better to him that way. They are so silly. He made me laugh every single day, even on my worst days.
Thank you again.
I lost my dog last week too, I definitely know how it feels.
I guess we're in the same place. Hurts like hell. I'm so sorry.
Losing a dear furfriend is as hard as it gets.
You know it. Thank you so much hifiguy... hugging you right back
I can understand not being able to face the pain again. To put it mildly.
You are so right, love never dies.
Thank you so much for your kind words.
Thank you for sharing it with me roody.
Such a hole in your heart cannot heal anytime soon. But, please know thoughts of bringing your comfort come from DU. I know what you mean.
I keep coming back to this thread... the lovely things people have written have been getting me through this day.
Thank you so much
Your sentence about him always being front and center in your thoughts really resonated with me. I have often thought that if I had a pie chart of my thought process it would be divided into pieces like work, kid activities, house, meals, errands, politics, music, etc., and then there would be a shading over the whole thing which would be me thinking about my three kitties. They are always with me (especially because I work at home), and they are my little buddies, constant companions, sleep partners, furry kids. Always in my heart, as well as in my thoughts, as your dog was always in your heart and thoughts.
Every single thing I'd do during the course of the day would go through the doggie thought filter. I couldn't start any activity without assessing how it would affect the little pooch. It's going to be a hard habit to unlearn.
He and I were so much alike, I think. Neither one of us could relax worth a damn. We were always looking at each other like "are you worried? I'm worried". But somehow when I'd hold him we could both relax a bit. Two anxiety-riddled co-dependents who found solace in each other.
I love what you wrote. Thank you so much for understanding.
Give your kitty (or kitties) a kiss from me. They are the light of our lives, and when that light goes out, you realize you would give the whole world to hold them one more time.
Thank you for your very kind words.
He truly was adorable... a little ball of love and craziness (two things that often go together). He was even more adorable because he was such a nut. I have a soft spot for creatures not-entirely-sane I guess.
Thank you for your kind words
I'm so sad for you, CreepingChaos
Sophie dog sends you
A big hug for you and Sophie dog from me
but your love for each other will always be as much a part of you as it ever was.
Peace be with you and your precious Fosco.
Sincerely,
Alan
Life is hard, unfair, full of pain. There's no sense to be made of it. I would like to register a strongly worded complaint with universe management.
My friend said to me, you know, the whole world is suffering with you. Almost everyone has a terrible pain they have to carry with them as they go through their lives. It's true.
But I feel like my love for him and his for me was the purest, truest thing in my life. And as you say, that will always be a part of me. It could never be otherwise.
Thank you so much for your kind words
He sure was loved, but I was the lucky one. But the flip side of that is when you love so deeply, you are so vulnerable. I'm sure you do know the pain quite well. This is the deepest sorrow I have ever felt. I would give the world to hold him one more time.
Thank you so much for your kind words
Treasure your memories.
I'm sure your love made him feel like a king. 
I couldn't resist... this was one Halloween long ago (he only wore it long enough for me to snap the picture)
Thank you so much for your kind words
I'd have that one framed! 
I am sorry about your little doggie
Take care of yourself
You are sweet to say so... thank you so much
Grief has a strong physical component to it. Hope you will take extra care of yourself at this difficult time.
If only love could have healed his little body. Some irrational part of my brain wanted to believe that it could and even though I paid lip service to accepting the inevitable, I had a lot of denial going on under the surface. It was foolish but I couldn't face the pain.
You are spot on about the physical component of grief. I have a deep ache in my chest that waxes and wanes, and when I tried to do my usual workout (hoping to burn off some stress hormones) I was so weak compared to normal, and I almost felt like an asthma attack was coming on (I had a touch of asthma in my younger days which has been dormant for many years). Anyway, yours is good advice.
Thank you so much GreatGazoo
That's exactly what I need. Hugging you right back
Wish there were more I could say, but know that a lot of people feel and understand your grief.
You are very kind, and I'll take that hug
What a little sweetheart... so hard to lose those we love.
He was the sweetest boy. Scratch that... IS the sweetest boy. I'm not letting him go... I'll never let go.
Thank you for your kind words
I hope your little Cavaliers will be with you for awhile yet, and I'm glad you are able to open your heart to more dogs, even after the pain of losing them. I'm still feeling pretty gunshy about that - don't know if I can face this kind of loss again - but I think eventually I could do fostering or adopt a very old discarded senior dog. Those situations break my heart like nothing else.
I swear, it feels like I've had something amputated, and if I close my eyes I can feel his little body in my arms, like a phantom limb. But at the same time I'm aware how lucky I was, compared to what others have been through. We were together 16 years - but 100 years wouldn't have been enough.
I've been so moved by the responses in this thread. Thank you so much for kind words.