8.4 Million New Yorkers Suddenly Realize New York City A Horrible Place To Live

[Tommy_Carcetti]

8.4 Million New Yorkers Suddenly Realize New York City A Horrible Place To Live

NEW YORK—At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having realized it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.

With audible murmurs of "This is no way to live," "What the hell am I doing here—I hate it here," and "Fuck this place. Fuck this horrible place," all 8.4 million citizens in each of the five boroughs packed up their belongings and told reporters they would rather blow their brains out with a shotgun than spend another waking moment in this festering cesspool of filth and scum and sadness.

****

According to residents, the mass exodus was triggered by a number of normal, everyday New York City events. For Erin Caldwell of Manhattan, an endlessly honking car horn sent her over the edge, causing her to go into a blind rage and scream "shut up!" at the vehicle as loud as she could until her voice went hoarse; for Danny Tremba of Queens it was being cursed at for walking too slow; and for Paul Ogden, also of Queens, it was his overreaction to somebody walking too slow.

Other incidents that prompted citizens to pick up and leave included the sight of garbage bags stacked 5 feet high on the sidewalk; the realization that being alone among millions of anonymous people is actually quite horrifying; a blaring siren that droned on and fucking on; muddy, refuse-filled puddles that have inexplicably not dried in three years; the thought of growing into a person whose meanness and cynicism is cloaked in a kind of holier-than-thou brand of sarcasm that the rest of the world finds nauseating; and all the goddamn people.

http://www.theonion.com/article/84-million-new-yorkers-suddenly-realize-new-york-c-18003

[arcane1]

1. "after watching two subway rats gnawing on a third bloody rat carcass"

Many of these sentiments have crossed my mind a few times while living in San Francisco. Still here though!

[dixiegrrrrl]

2. You and me both, re: SF.

I moved!

My favorite part:
""This place sucks," Manhattan resident Woody Allen, 74, told reporters. "It just fucking sucks."

[IrishEyes]

3. I still live here.

I think it will take a period of adjustment when I somewhere else. I look forward to moving out of this city. I just have to figure out where I want to go.

[smirkymonkey]

4. That's one of my favorite Onion articles.

I posted it when I left NYC for Boston, kind of as a loving farewell. I really love NY, but it's just a tough place to live unless you make a shit ton of money.

[Chan790]

5. More room for me then...

moving back to NYC pretty much consumes my every waking thought...I never wanted to leave and I can't wait to get back. I never for a second even mildly-disliked living there.

[patricia92243]

7. I've heard that New Yorkers can get teary-eyed when they see pictures of the skyline of NY if they

have moved away. I've even heard some say they miss the noise of trashcans being emptied in the mornings.

I think most people think fondly of their hometown when they are away from it. I still watch the weather forecast, news, etc for my hometown - even though I don't want to live there now in my old age.

[Tommy_Carcetti]

8. There's a weird love-hate curve regarding hometowns.

As a young child, it's pretty much all you know.

Then you grow older into your teen years, realize that there are places apart from your hometown, and you become resentful of it. You get bored of it and desperately want to get away.

Then many of us will move away from our hometown to someplace different and seemingly shinier.

Then after a few years, nostalgia begins to kick in and you begin to idealize the place that you used to grow up. Usually it's not enough to bring you back there permanently, but you do begin to pine for it at times.

Regarding New York City itself, it's okay. I don't find it exceptional nor do I have any desire to live there. I've visited there on several occasions and taken in some of the sights. It's essentially like any other east coast city except 10 times larger.

[OriginalGeek]

12. I have weird nostalgia for Tallahassee

Even though I only lived there from 0 to about 18 months. Then we moved to Sarasota until I was maybe 3. Then we moved once a year every year for next 8 or 9 years and I finally got to stay at the same school for more than a year when I Was in High School (In Dallas).

So I really only know Tallahassee from stories and visiting my grandparents but it was the only constant thing I can remember until I got to high school. We always went to grandma and grandpa's for summer vacation and quite a few christmases.


Now I miss Dallas but I get to go to Tallahassee on occasion for work so that itch is scratched. The pine smells are all I need to feel comforted.


I like the idea of living in NYC but I don't know if I would like the reality of it. Maybe if I made a lot of money. Would love to visit though.

[Throd]

9. I miss Los Angeles until I go back and remember why I left.

[ohheckyeah]

6. I've lived in

big cities but NY would drive me crazy. I live in rural Virginia now and hope to continue to.

Those who can survive and even love NY are bad ass and tough. While I admire your ability I don't care to join you.

[PennyK]

10. Well, I don't live there...

...but I do love it.
Born in Brooklyn, grew up on Long Island; ended up living in Queens here and there. These days, a visit home means staying at my sister's apartment on the Upper West Side, and it's glorious. My daughters both live in the city (one in Manahattan, one in Brooklyn); every neighborhood has its charms.

[stevenleser]

11. !