U.S. Military Desperate To Be Handed Just One Solid War It Can Knock Out Of The Park

[geardaddy]

ARLINGTON, VA—Reportedly fed up with complicated and protracted operations overseas, top Pentagon officials acknowledged this week they were desperate to be given just one straightforward, no-nonsense military engagement they could really knock out of the park.

"Given all these messy, ambiguous conflicts we've been fighting against enemies you can't even put your finger on, what we could really use right now is a plain old war against a clear-cut bad guy employing conventional tactics and weaponry," said Gen. Martin Dempsey, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. "No roadside bombs or plainclothes militants hiding out among innocent civilians—just a fair fight where two sides shoot at each other and someone wins. That's it."
"If Congress or our commander in chief could pull a few strings to make that happen, I swear we could totally nail a war like that, no question," Dempsey added. "The sort of thing where you go in, blow up a number of actual tanks and jets, declare victory, plant a flag, and then exit—that's all we're asking for."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/us-military-desperate-to-be-handed-just-one-solid,27770/

[HughBeaumont]

1. The Onion's abandoned satire, I take it . . .

[geardaddy]

2. Exactly.

Here's another pertinent headline:

Lawyers Opposing Health Care Law Cite Kids-With-Pre-Existing-Conditions-Can-Go-Fuck-Themselves Clause

http://www.theonion.com/articles/lawyers-opposing-health-care-law-cite-kidswithpree,27761/