Why I Hate Movies And Will Never See One Again!
Everything is in 3-D, but the films are usually made with little regard for that process, so for two hours, you get an expensive headache staring at flat-looking insects cracking jokes several yards away. ... You can DVR your favorite TV shows and fast-forward past the commercials or pay money for a movie, where you're stuck sitting through 15 minutes of them. ... At least at press screenings, you're safe, right? Wrong! At one they had for a kiddie pic, they prefaced the main event with a Justin Bieber video! In 3-D!
All my favorite movies of the '70s and '80s are being ritualistically remade and destroyed, one by one. ... The billboard for the Ryan Reynolds comedy The Change-Up stayed hanging in Times Square for months after the movie's instant demise. It might still be there for all I know. Change it up! ... The Twilight cast keeps trying to make other movies. ... When TCM starts showing Brat Pack films, I'll kill myself. ... Thanks to documentaries, I no longer trust food, our government, the economy, and documentaries. ... Scorsese did a kiddie movie! Who's next? David Fincher?
I lose the Oscar pool every year because of those stupid Documentary Short Subject categories, which no one gives a shit about until it's ballot time. ... The Best Song category needs to be changed to "Best Song Out of These Five We Managed to Dredge Up, Including the Obligatory Three by Randy Newman" (though this year, it was "Out of These Two ... Since Randy Was Busy"
. ... Every year, we get one lesbian movie, and every year, one of the lesbians sleeps with a man. ("But it wasn't about sex!" she explains. "I just felt unloved or happen to be promiscuous" blah blah). ... We have as many Hollywood films with a full-fledged, happy, sexual gay character as we did in the 1960s—none! (Yes, there was a happy gay in Beginners, but it was an indie. And he died!)
Every straight (or closeted) comic still feels the easiest way to score a laugh is by doing bad drag. ... Sometimes I'm actually laughing. ... Johnny Depp is so aggressively bizarre in every role that it's starting to look normal to me. To really shock, he needs to play something ordinary, like an American tourist visiting Italy to ... no, never mind. ... Ever since the Oscars, I've been walking around in that Angelina Jolie come-hither stance and catching flies with my crotch.
http://www.villagevoice.com/2012-03-14/columns/Michael-Musto-why-i-hate-movies/
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