sister-in-law issue.......

[mrmpa]

As a few of you might recall when I lost my home, I got mom into a HUD high rise and my brother and his wife allowed me to live in their under used if never used game room.

I moved into it in January and for whatever reason(s) on March 24th sister-in-law called me on my cell & told me I needed to be moved out by April 1. I had nowhere to go, however my boyfriend said that he wanted & needed me to be with him. An aside, he is very much in love with me, I love him very much too.

My sister-in-law packed my stuff into trash bags and left it in the game room for me. I took me 2 weeks to find my passport due to what she did with my stuff. I had the notion that her behavior was due to her recent firing (she lost her cool & screamed at her boss) apparently not the first time & other mental health issues.

Well I visit mom once a week, run errands for her, etc. My brother visits every Friday & does her laundry. Well yesterday I ran errands for mom & showed her how to use the air conditioning system, it runs through the vents in the bedroom and living room. It can either be on high, low or off. It was in the mid '80's yesterday & putting it on low the apt. became very comfortable. Well mom said she was getting cold (this is due to inactivity & coumadin) I told her she should not shut it off & put a sweater on. I explained if she shuts it off the apt. will begin to swelter & she will risk heat stroke.

I called my brother explained the situation about the AC to him & asked him to reiterate when he visits today, what I told mom. My brother is about the only one who can talk sense into mom

Five minutes after I get off the phone with him, his wife calls me and starts to yell at me, that I should not burden my brother with anything to do about mom, that he has health issues (i.e. he has Type 2 diabetes with a consistent A1C of 5.4 or lower, walks 3 miles a day and smokes the occasional cigar & lost 70 lbs.). I hung up on her, because I was driving and was not about to hear her yelling at me.

The next phone call was where a message was left that that's the reason I can't get along with people and hang up on them that it's rude. She accused me of hanging up on another brother (I did) because he was yelling at me and he had been rude to a friend of mine, by yelling at her. She had hung up on him. The accusations were that I had also hung up on another SIL (who I haven't spoken to on the phone in probably 2 years).

The second phone call was a threat that if I told my brother about these phone calls, because their marriage is on the brink I would be the reason they divorce.

I sent her an email, summing up that I hang up, because I don't want to get in a pissing contest and I won't be yelled at. That my brother is her husband, my brother and his mother's son. I also said I would not take responsibility if their marriage ends in divorce. They've been married near 30 years.

My dilemma is whether I should talk to my brother. I think that a lot of her acting out today was her untreated mental health issues. I know she's been on medication in the past, but honestly don't think she's on anything currently. I also know none of my 3 sisters-in-law like my mother, so that's some of the issues also.

Should I talk to my brother?

[Doodley]

1. Yes, you should talk to your brother. Don't be manipulated by her. You need your brother. He sounds

like a good guy, doing your mother's washing. If his marriage is going through hard times, maybe he needs you too. She is trying to isolate him or she is using him as a weapon against you. If you don't contact him, she can say that you don't want to speak to him, and manipulate him against you. She is not the boss of you. It is emotional blackmail.

[LisaM]

2. I don't think so - at least not now.

She's essentially dared you to talk to your brother, especially with her threats that you could be the cause of a divorce (question: do you think your brother wants a divorce from her?)

You may ultimately be put in a position where you have to talk to your brother about this, but unless her being off her meds potentially might cause physical harm to someone, I think you wait.

[Doodley]

3. Would you stop talking to your brother or sister (if you have one) if their spouse told you not to?

[mrmpa]

5. the answer is a resounding "NO"....eom

[LisaM]

7. As I read it, she didn't forbid her from talking to her brother.

I think she was trying to taunt her into telling her brother about the phone calls.

[Doodley]

9. Thanks. My mistake. Well, why talk about the phone calls? It is just stirring up trouble.

[LisaM]

10. Right, and it sounds as if that's what she wants.

I think the OP should withhold that satisfaction - FOR NOW. Circumstances could change.

[mrmpa]

4. They came close to a divorce about 25 years ago.....

he actually was ready to take their 2 daughters with him, again I think this was because of the mental health issues. He's no saint either, in the past he has stolen money from me & vicodin from me & my mom.

[Doodley]

8. I see.

[elleng]

6. Doesn't seem necessary but

if/when he calls to let you know how things are going with your mother, you might mention this stuff, but doesn't seem necessary.

Sorry you have to deal with it. I've done some 'hanging up' in my time too, sometimes the only solution.

[TeapotInATempest]

11. I'd casually, tactfully bring it up

Something like, "Hey, so-and-so called me and mentioned that I was burdening you when I asked you to remind Mom about the A/C. Am I? I'm concerned about Mom, but let me know if you can't help..."

I'm no expert on human relationships (what an understatement) and I'm sure you could come up with a better script but it seems reasonable to me that you could ask him about it without bringing up the details of the yelling, hanging up, etc.