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Related: Culture Forums, Support ForumsWhat can you do for a dying friend?
I've been to visit, traveling to his remote acreage in the Chiracahua Mts.
You talk, but the shadow of death is over it all. What can I do or say?
Nothing can make it better. He may have a month.
lisa58
(5,755 posts)Just let him know you love him - that you enjoy him and will never forget him - you can do it all without words
madaboutharry
(40,211 posts)The gift you can give to a dying friend is to tell them how much you love them and how much their friendship has meant to you.
i don't know if there is anything else.
Phoenix61
(17,006 posts)Ask him if he wants to talk about it. Everyone's different but if you ask the question it will let him know you are ok talking about it.
True Dough
(17,305 posts)You may never know just how much your presence and your words may have meant, Panader0. I have spoken with palliative care doctors who said that hearing and comprehension can carry on long after the patient is no longer communicative and in an unconscious state.
Although there may be no way for your friend to express how much he appreciates you being there, it is certainly still worth the time and effort to pay a visit. I can't imagine that there is a greater gift at this final stage.
we can do it
(12,185 posts)d_r
(6,907 posts)Who died way too young at 40 from a brain tumor. We had a group of friends that all loved canoeing together in college and planned to on one last Canoe trip. He ended up not having the time to have the health to take that. There was a benefit concert for him and so we all camped out there in a field that night as we would do on the canoe trips and had that time together.
I'm sorry I don't have any words for you, I didn't have any then, but I feel like just getting that visit and that good bye goes a long way.
skylucy
(3,739 posts)most important thing by continuing to visit, talk and be his friend. Sometimes people are so uncomfortable with a situation like this, they stay away/avoid the person. If you can't travel to his home too often,I think calling, texting, sending cards or emailing him as much as possible would mean a lot. The end of life can be a lonely time. If he wants to talk about his life ending, just listening and understanding would be helpful for your friend.
janterry
(4,429 posts)Does he want to talk about dying? Is there anything he wants to do (he may not be able to do much physically, but maybe you can help him).
He may just want company. (Perhaps in person, also you could skype? Or telephone??)
I'd ask him - has he thought about what he wants in the time he has left and then I'd ask him how you can help him. He may just need information about dying (the process) or reassurance that he will be treated for pain (people really need to know that).
He probably (not everyone, but many) wants to have as much control over the process as he can. Can you help in this?
Does he have hospice in place? If not, can you help him get it? If he does, talk to the RN or chaplain or MSW and ask them for advice.
Many good thoughts to you and to your friend. Ji Jang Bosal
panader0
(25,816 posts)A mountain climber, a Deadhead, lives off the grid, a grower. He has his son and
brother to look after him. He walked out of the hospital to die at home. A fine man.
janterry
(4,429 posts)This is so hard .
What is his first name? We'll chant for him and put his name on our altar.
Skittles
(153,160 posts)just talk and you normally would
talk about the heavy stuff only if he brings it up
flying_wahini
(6,594 posts)Stories about how important he was to you and your friends. Try to speak openly about death- sometimes people avoid it so much that the patient feels guilty about talking about it.
Most people are afraid they will cry. Crying is good and perfectly normal. It shows him he will have people who will miss him. Take old photos that would mean something to him.
Play him some old tunes that will take him back. Tell him what he wants to hear.
GitRDun
(1,846 posts)When you are in that situation, you already feel an internal separation between yourself and the "living".
I've found over the years that the best way to deal with these situations is first express your love and concern for your friend then do everything in your power to take that "cloud of death" away for a little while.
Talk about things you always did before, play a game, joke around...anything you can do to make things feel normal,,,even if its just for a little while...
You said he's a grower. Maybe mess around in the yard with him. If he can't do anything I would put him in a chair, crank some Dead tunes and do it for him...your giving a few minutes of semi normal...best gift ever.
I'm very sorry for your friend and you...my best.
Warpy
(111,261 posts)especially the ones that make you both laugh. Remember, he might be dying but he's not dead yet.
If he wants to talk about it, listen without judgment and without trying to fix it, you can't.
Chances are that he's looking back over his life more than dwelling on the inevitable end of it. If he has an requests, no matter how against common sense they are, try to fill them.
panader0
(25,816 posts)died in a single truck roll over accident on the way to his birthday party.
Marvin's nickname was Moose. At the site of the accident, Mark put up a
large "Moose Crossing" sign. (Here in So Az on a remote dirt road). Mark proceded to make the
largest bonfire I have ever seen after the funeral. Flames over 100 feet tall. I thought the
world would burn up. Moose's wife saw the fire thirty miles away.
shenmue
(38,506 posts)Plant a tree, perhaps.
left-of-center2012
(34,195 posts)Decades ago I worked in a Catholic nursing home.
In the final weeks of a terminal patient the nuns would sit with the patient silently holding his hand so they didn't die alone.
WinkyDink
(51,311 posts)accomplishments. Let him know he's been of value to many.
Take him outside to see the natural world he loves.
Beaverhausen
(24,470 posts)...the son and brother are taken are of as well. The caretakers need support too.
And a deadhead would appreciate music, surely.
Sending you love. I have a 47 year old friend with terminal brain cancer. She might still have years but it won't be many.
Deb
(3,742 posts)any messages she might want to send. She chose the card, signed her name and stuck on the stamp. My mother was a giver and wanted to continue doing for others until she no longer could. Together she forgave, thanked folks, shared recipes and memories or sent photos. She had a sense of fulfillment each day a card went out. If your friend was a giver they may need help to do that too. Take care of yourself.
Iggo
(47,552 posts)All you have is now.
Kali
(55,008 posts)it is hard, but it is worth doing.
play him some tunes...
is he eating? some delicious ripe fruit...strawberries have been pretty good in Safeway lately.
Wawannabe
(5,661 posts)I was gonna ask if he could eat.
Food! Does a body good.
A lot of foods fight cancer!
One is Apple Cider vinegar with the Mother!
(Unfiltered)
Chicken Noodle soup as close to homemade (with lots if herbs) as you can get.
A side of vinegar slaw made with ACV...
Comforting.
Food = Love.
May as well have red wine too. Unfiltered, fermented foods/bevs.
Take care of yourself too! Tell him we said hello and we care about him.
Wawannabe
(5,661 posts)No f'n way will I die in a Money Machine (hospital). I would walk out too- IF I found myself there. Would never go willingly!
emulatorloo
(44,124 posts)I know he'll appreciate all of that. My heart goes out to you and your friend.
samnsara
(17,622 posts)..young adults I let her know I would always be there for her kids if they needed anything. I also told her I loved her. I think if I was the one dying I may actually want to talk to someone about the fear, the pain..or no pain,..and just the dying experience. Sometimes just being there and not talking at all is the best. Your heart will let you know. Is he well enough for one last last adventure?