Hi, guys. Thanks for your support. I think I had a breakthrough moment the other day.

[Denninmi]

Last edited Fri Oct 4, 2013, 11:12 AM - Edit history (1)

I posted about this in the Lounge, but I know many of you don't go there. I have been beating myself up for a year over the irresponsible thing I did, sitting on a dock in the pre-dawn hours with a loaded gun, intending to do myself in. It was a stupid, stupid thing to do, that could have had disastrous results under various scenarios. I was desperate, I felt like my situation was hopeless, and I panicked. I've been beating myself up about it ever since.

Well, I came to the conclusion the other day that, buried in the center of what is my lowest moment in life is ... my best moment in life, the moment when I discovered I do have courage, and strength, and that I can survive. Because at that very last moment, I chose not to do it. And that meant I had to face an uncertain future where I had no clue how it would turn out. And that was, it turns out, the far harder route of the two I had to choose from. The other would have been easy, done, finito. This one isn't done, it probably will never be done, and nothing has been easy about it. But, it is worthwhile, even at the worst moments I can find something that I have done to be proud of.

I know, a constant ongoing struggle has been my self-image, all wrapped up in the concept of masculinity, in "am I a real man?", because of the mindfuck my father laid on me. I think I just realized I need to let my self-esteem come up a few rungs on the ladder. I may be a bit more of a man than I thought I was or gave myself credit for being.

Not so weak after all.

[Smarmie Doofus]

1. Needless to say...

I'm glad you're still with us. And you're pretty friggin' brave to post this.

I don't really know your story in any kind of detail but can relate to the "masculinity" paradox, crazed dad and all that that entails.

I sometimes reflect on ... what I thought was an Irish but google is telling me is *Scottish*... (Damn it!) proverb... to the effect of we might as well go on 'cause "We're a long time dead"... when reflecting on a "to be or not to be" type situation.

Hard to argue w. that logic, when you get down to it.

Better days ahead, Denninmi.

[Denninmi]

2. Thank you. That's nice of you to say.

And yes, I am brave. Even IRL, I have been cautiously telling a few of the people in my life much of what happened to me. Including the pier. They have all taken it so much better than I had ever thought they would. No one has said "you're nuts, leave me alone, forever".

[discntnt_irny_srcsm]

3. It's often difficult to...

...see your own faults and accept your own assets. Sometimes it's difficult to weigh the opinions of close friends and family. We are all better off for having you around. IMHO, the best way to feel good about yourself is to help another feel good about themselves. Tell someone when they did something positive, make them laugh, give them hope or give them a hug.

Progress generally beats introspection.

Richard Bach - "Here's a test to find out whether your mission in life is complete... If you're alive, it isn't."

[Denninmi]

4. Absolutely.

Pay it forward.