Smacked with weirdness I didn't know I had and realizing people are just themselves

[uppityperson]

A young friend has recently come out and is doing transgender stuff. I apologize, do not know the right words, hormones, electrolysis, being who she feels she really is vs what gender she was born into. So long as she is happy and it works for her, it is all good. Her parents are very supportive, as are her friends and wife.

So I caught myself musing terms and had to stop as it was rather appalling to me, or I was appalling me. I was musing sexual orientation terms, gay, hetero, in conjunction with gender differences and about her wife and realized the terms didn't matter. She is who she is and so long as she is happy and her life works, it doesn't matter and I shouldn't be sticking her in a "this term box" or "that term box" but in her own box as the complicated and wonderful person she is.

As far as most of my interactions with most people, it doesn't matter either. You are you, I am me. We talk on DU about things that matter, big things and small things, who we are and why and all that.

People are people, individuals are who they are. Be true to yourself, treat others decently, don't hurt people, don't hurt things. I hope this makes sense and am just rather rambling, sorry for not being crisply coherent.

ETA, hope it was ok to ramble here. If inappropriate, please let me know and I'll self delete. Thanks.

[Warpy]

1. It's OK, everybody knows that pronouns get a little dodgy

when someone you know is transitioning. Eventually it will feel more normal referring to him as the sex he feels himself to be. Until then, as long as you're supportive, he will probably cut you some slack if you put your foot in your mouth, that's been my experience.

Sex reassignment is such a rocky road that occasional lapses in speech are the least of his problems.

[uppityperson]

3. She is now she and says is happy when we catch ourselves.

I was thinking of when he got married, was "hetero male (enter name here), and is now she and what difference does it make as to what category I put her into as it didn't matter, that she was still just who she is, but more comfortable and happy now. Rather than putting her in a category, she is just (enter name here, still too public a forum to write it).

It is all very interesting and am glad she's happy, it's been a long time figuring it out and now is working at coming to terms with it with all us friends. Rather an enjoyable but fragile time.

[xfundy]

2. If you're not going through it, you won't understand it.

I've never had to be that courageous, yet many others have been.

All I can do is offer kind thoughts and kind words, well-wishes and be supportive.

I've not had to deal with what that individual's going through, but will do my best to help them in any way I can.

Every life is a journey, and to inflict harm on another in their journey, to try to twist it into one religion, false BS, Self-serving scam or another is to kill a soul.

[SheilaT]

4. It is a bit of a problem, but ultimately resolvable.

I don't have a lot of connection with transgender people myself. The closest I have is a friend whose daughter is dating a transgender person. I'm about twenty years older than my friend, so generational differences come into play here, but what I love is that my friend seems completely comfortable with this.

Any parent has to deal with the problem of "Do I like the person my child is dating?" Other "non-conforming" things can come into play. What I like best about the world we're in right now is that a lot of people do accept all sorts of differences.

While this is not quite the same, I'll tell the story anyway. My sister's son is an unwed father. He's maintained a very good relationship with his son and his son's mother, a woman he's not otherwise connected with anymore. Recently, for the first time in three years, I was at a family gathering. And discovered that my nephew's son has a younger brother. Different father. The mother involved is not married to that man either. What I really liked was that my sister (the grandmother of the first child mentioned) seems completely accepting of her grandson's younger brother. I've decided that when Christmas comes around both children will get a present from me.

Sometimes our differences are more noticeable than at other times. In the end, we are all deserving of dignity and respect. The conventionally religious among you might prefer to say that we are all children of God. However you express it, it's all the same. Differences matter, but not in ways that should divide us.

[Fearless]

5. Seems like you have a decent grasp on in thus far.

"She is who she is and so long as she is happy and her life works, it doesn't matter and I shouldn't be sticking her in a "this term box" or "that term box" but in her own box as the complicated and wonderful person she is. "

Definitely true.

I think a lot of categories come up for one of two reasons. Either the persons who are similar (whatever the similarity may be) group themselves together as a means of preservation and security (emotional support if you will) or those who dislike a quantity of people group them together to give them negative connotations. If you take for instance the word lesbian versus the word fag, there is the difference. Although both words are aimed at basically the same people (fag being slightly broader, generally including gay males), they mean entirely different things. Alternatively, an interesting convergence of words can be found with the word queer, which has both vastly different positive and negative connotations regardless of the intent of the person using it.

[duhneece]

6. I found myself wondering, too, about a couple I know

One seemed very publicly proud to be a lesbian, the other one (Betty) ok with being a lesbian, but didn't go to Santa Fe for any gay pride parades. I worked with Betty here in our small, conservative, very republican county. When our boss announced Betty was no longer Betty, but someone we were to call Steven, I said, "I think I'll have trouble with that (I could see the cringe)...if I had used 'Elizabeth' instead of Betty, I would be ok with Steven, but 'Steve' just seems to roll off my tongue more easily." Steve was very ok with this, actually had wanted to be known as Steve so all was well.

I did wonder what it all meant to Steve's partner, formerly a lesbian but now not? or what? Eventually they broke up, remaining good friends...but I never stopped wondering what it meant to be a lesbian in love and so proud...

I'm now comfortable with saying, "Back when Steve was not himself...."

I accidentally outed him to the woman he's been dating for two years now. Here in our county of 62,000 or so (southern New Mexico), I know of 3 other transgendered people & have learned 'MTF' or 'FTM' (Male to Female or ...) Far more common that I thought. We had two folks out themselves publicly in a local play we produced, one an 80 year old FTM, who transitioned 40 years ago.

Life is incredibly interesting & leaves lots to wonder about!