How did I discover I was gay?

[xchrom]

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/aug/09/how-discover-i-was-gay


'I was in love with a woman and certain I would never leave her but I could still appreciate a good-looking man.' Photograph: Imagebroker/Alamy

A little while ago someone asked me when I'd discovered I was gay. Had I always been a lesbian or had I realised it and, if so, how did that happen? I said it as it was. I hadn't always known. In fact, and I didn't say this then but I'm telling you now, I used to chase after boys when I was little; I even had a boyfriend for most of my time at university. I was quite happy that way too.

The idea that one day I "turned gay", then, is an interesting one and I've come across it ever since first coming out. Jokes about my ex-boyfriend being "that bad" were common at the time. Sure, I might at some point have had an inkling that I was "that way inclined" but when post-break-up my first boyfriend said I might discover I liked girls (this was meant as friendly encouragement), I wasn't convinced.

The thought of being with a woman felt more like a naughty fantasy than anything that would ever become reality. I didn't think I'd ever act on these "secret" feelings and the idea of actually telling people I was lesbian, bi, queer, or I wasn't sure what to label it, terrified me. I felt certain it would fill my life with stress, judgment and trouble. I was scared. And that was with me living in the UK, with my parents in Sweden. Not in Russia, where what is now happening both angers and frightens me beyond belief.

Despite residing in a tolerant country I was worried that people would pigeonhole me according to stereotype, adding judgment and preconceived ideas to the mix. I remained in the closet, ignoring my feelings and telling myself that they weren't there.