A Single Mom's Rant:
I wanted to get this off my chest and it seemed like here would be better than in GD.
I have been a single mom for 21 years now. My first husband and I were young and stupid, and he bailed out when I was 8 mos pregnant. Leaving me to rebuild a life before I even knew who I was or what I was going to be when I grew up...fine. That's the way the cookie crumbles.
I raised my eldest son for 10 years alone, while going to college and learning how to be a grown up. I often say we 'grew up together' because so much of those years was LEARNING. Ya i dated guys, but most of them had two responses when finding out I was a single mom... 1) they thought it meant I was easy (2) they thought I wanted a daddy
NEITHER of which was true.
So the second marriage came about at 30...two more kids, and the husband turned abusive during the second pregnancy. I left a year later with whatever we could carry...the kids were 13, 2 & 7 mos.
Needless to say the recovery from that was worse. I REALLY had to reclaim my own power and find my strength of self. I had to deal with babies and a fucked up teen and my own therapy and we struggled for a good 5-7 years till we felt like out little unit was cohesive. The kids are all very self aware and also know about what went down with me and the ex...and I have been more open and honest in raising them than I ever thought I would be...and they are amazing kids because of it.
So I've dated here & there in the past 5 years or so...nothing truly serious. The kids are now 21, 11 and 10...so it is MUCH easier for me to cultivate a personal life for sure.
But here's the deal... WHY do these men automatically think I want a husband or a daddy? WTF?
Why is the paradigm that a woman is incomplete without a MAN for her children?
I had one tell me he couldn't get too deep because his last breakup involved a child and he couldn't take that heartbreak again.
I've had more than one tell me how much they LOVE my kids, but they feel the need to get attached and 'assume a role' so they need to break up
I even had one tell me how awesome my kids were and that he wants that with his kids (who are way younger) so he had to tell me bye and try to get back with his baby mama.
PLEASE
Anyway, I have no real direction I am going with this, just the frustration of dumb boys and the societal pressure that a woman is somehow "incomplete" without a partner...
I have lived longer single than in partnership, I know I don't co-habitate well and I LIKE being queen of my own castle... but that should not preclude me from some fun or wining& dining or screwing now and again!
SHEESH
I guess I just need to meet some new people.... LOL
= new reply since forum marked as read
First off Bravo for rearing 3 children on your own. It takes guts courage and a strong heart.
Second of all my wife was the oldest daughter of a single mother. She understands what it is like. Her own mother made the mistake --My wife's word--of devoting her life to her kids. She never dated after the divorce and now she is going old alone. She has friends and family --cousins and a brother still living as well as a great uncle. BUT she has no one to grow old with. My wife feels obligated to stay close by.
Hang on. Listen to your heart and your kids. they will know when the right one for you will come along.
But you are right, it's normal to have some kind of relationship with my kids. But my kids are also very mature and make it clear too that they just want to see me happy, kissed on, and that's about it...
My last relationship lasted for about 6 months and we got WAY more serious than I am usually into, and he even wanted the kids to call him Dad, they didn't really go for it, even though they really "liked" him.... And when I broke up with him for responsibility among other reasons, my daughter patted me on the back and said "you did the right thing, mom"
I usually make it real clear from the get-go that I am just fine being in charge of my own life and that this time in my life is really about having fun, and enjoying all the grown up things we can (live music, antiquing, whatever...). I have been "stuck" at home mothering for a really good chunk of time, so I am really just sticking my head out of my hole again.
I know it's gonna take time to really hit my stride and maybe feel like I could trust or settle down again. But the idiocy of the assumption is what chaps my hide!
They are really past that age of bullshit anyway, and they know that from here on out, its US, no matter what. And they have even laughed at the idea that they "need" to have a man in their life... They're pretty sharp!
This is what is wrong with people . . .
Just in general - there is that general 'idea' out there that you are defective, something is wrong with you, etc. etc. as a 'woman' if you are not partnered up.
It would be even worse if at your age (I'm 40) you were not married and did NOT have kids.
Are you familiar with the work of Bella De Paolo? Dig into her work. She really nails not just the 'legal/political' aspects but the overall discrimination that single people experience - even at the intimate/romantic relationship level.
We can't win - can we?
I never actually thought of it as discrimination, but that *IS* the word, isn't it?
Got a couple friends in a similar boat, late 30s, no kids, not really married to their career, just not into having ONE person OWN them ... and they get all kinds of bullshit, even from bosses.
I know that I HATE dealing with school officials and other parents much of the time because of the way couples treat me as a single. I have had women interrupt innocent conversation with their husbands at school events and DRAG them away...like I am some kind of 'man stealer' 
And it's not like I wanna 'bat for the other team' either...women aren't my cup of tea...but there's been a few instances where even that is implied.
...and then there's my friends who are celebrating 15+ years of marriage - posting pics on their FB of their wedding (where they seriously look like children) and writing gushy stuff about how happy they are to be sharing their lives with this one person. I am glad for them, but is it REALLY the end-all-BE-all? I bet it isn't...they are just good at committment?
Check out Bella's site: http://belladepaulo.com/about-bella-depaulo/
And for me - nope it is NOT the be all and the end all. But I got married for the first time at 39 in 2012.
A secret my mom shared with me -
You never have to get married.
You never have to have children.
Shocking stuff eh!
And for me - I have been successful (financially and in terms of recognition) in my career but . . . I would have blown my brains out if I had been tied down with kids at even 31.
There's no way - it's aok to chase adventure and travel. Too often - you can't do both. And look at it like this -
Your done in your early 50's - right? I have so many girlfriends whose 20+ year marriages ended in their late 40's/early 50's who are totally enjoying whatever they damn well please to do right now! You can't say - I have the money and there's a cheap 4 day weekend in Dublin Ireland deal with airfare right now - and just - go . . .
Even married without kids you can't do that. Well - I can't.
But I tried a few times and it's too much vociferous discussion to try and negotiate!
But in a few years - the nest is going to be yours and yours alone - for the first time in 30 years -
Why the hell would you WANT to be tied down?
I looked up DePaulo...am reading her blog and articles...AWESOME!!!! 