Confessions of a former sexist pig.

[Tobin S.]

This post is about change and hope.

I'm a 39 year old man. Up until 9/11/2001 I was a very narrow minded person. We all know that date and what it signifies. What does that have to do with being sexist? When those towers went down, the framework of my limited world view went down with them. After those events I started seriously looking at U.S. foreign policy from different perspectives. That exposed me to many intellectuals, a lot of them women, and from there a broad range of ideas on other issues including feminism.

It took some time, though, and I am still learning. But looking back to where I was, I am proud of who I am today.

The women here at DU are in large part responsible for changing my attitude toward women. I joined DU in March of 2003. If you look in my profile, it says 2009, but I used to post under a different account. I wasn't banned. I just needed a name change. Anyway, after reading many of the women here and elsewhere I started to take women seriously. Before then, I did not have this conscious idea in my mind that I, as a male, was superior to women and that women were silly emotional creatures who didn't think very well. It was more like an attitude that had been so ingrained in me since childhood that I wasn't even aware that there was something wrong. I still see that attitude here at DU sometimes from some otherwise intelligent men. I've seen some of those men bite the dust, too. And that attitude is still prevalent among conservative men- probably damn near 100% of them.

But, yeah, I didn't even know that there was something wrong. I was missing so much. I was deaf to women who challenged my view of them. I was just plain dumb a lot of the time. When some woman would manage to pierce the veil of my ignorance I would become defensive and sometimes mean. My ego would not allow me to admit to myself that I had been wrong, especially about women.

But people can change and change I did- for the better. And I have gained so much because of it. First, I gained my mind. When I began to open up to other ideas my mind began to grow. I'm proof that people can become more intelligent as they age. Even long after the school books have been closed. Second, I have a strong, intelligent, wonderful woman for my wife. I never would have attracted her had it not been for the feminists that I have read over the years.

Peace to you all and I hope this evening finds you well.

[hlthe2b]

1. Happy to recommend.... Please do what you can to educate your lingering "brethren"

[Tobin S.]

4. I should probably be more outspoken on the issue

When I see the arguments here at DU regarding sexism, I tend to stay out of it and just read. A part of that is that I usually like to avoid getting into arguments. Another part is that I think the women here do a very good job of combating sexism and probably don't need my help.

But I will see what I can do.

[seabeyond]

6. knowing

Last edited Fri Feb 10, 2012, 10:09 PM - Edit history (1)

there is quiet support, that is really good too. this is NOT for everyone, lol. that is for sure.

[Remember Me]

23. I hope you'll take a nice, long look at that whole issue

I had a very prominent avowedly (according to him) very pro-woman DUer turn me down -- after reading his glowing tho brief pro-woman testimonial -- when I asked him via PM to jump into some of the worst of the sexist DU threads and support women that way. He was actually a little huffy about it too. "I don't have time," was his excuse, but I saw it as just that: an excuse. I didn't ask him to dominate any threads, I asked him to weigh in with at least ONE post on such threads. The strong sense I had was that he didn't want to lose his approval rating among DUers here by siding with the females.

Because men bond with each other via sexism, you see. And if he'd step into such a thead, he'd lose some of his credibility with the men.

I could be wrong, of course, but I'm asking YOU to examine your deepest of hearts to see what the real reason is that you hold back when you see women being bullied, battered, mocked and ridiculed and LOSING, and you just watch.

We women will NEVER win until we have more male allies actually stepping forward to make it clear that sexism is EVERYBODY's business and EVERYBODY's burden.

Btw, I found some really startling but heavy-duty revelations/ insights in your OP. Thanks.

[Tobin S.]

25. My post above is the real reason

I tend to avoid contentious subjects in general, not just sexism. If you were to do a search of my posts here at DU, you would find very little outside of the lounge and the mental health support group. I'm not trying to save face, I just don't like to argue. But, like I said, I will try to weigh in on this subject more.

[Remember Me]

26. Thank you, I appreciate that.

But, like I said, I will try to weigh in on this subject more.

[seabeyond]

2. you just give me chills....

i love your last paragraph. all while i was reading your post, i was remembering the years i have listened to you. coming to the same conclusion of your last paragraph. probably with your old name, but i guess really since '09. i wanted so much for you and i watched YOU do the work on you and take the steps YOU needed to take, so you could meet the goal, once you let it go. i have so enjoyed you over the years and i thank YOU for all you have given us.

thanks tobin, and always the best for you.

you are special.

[Tobin S.]

5. Thank you, seabeyond

I've told more than one person here that I'm a big fan of yours. I like what you do here.

[seabeyond]

7. thank you. nt

[HockeyMom]

3. How many FEMALE first responders, or just plain

citizens, saved the lives of men and other women that day? Yes, there were some female police and firefighters who gave up their lives. As a New Yorker, our local media reported this, but unfortunately national media never reported the FEMALE heroes of 9/11.

Some people are still living in the 19th Century and refuse to acknowledge this is the 21st Century. Women are running corporations, are in our Congress, in combat and dying in our wars, and protecting our citizens as First Responders across the country.

The fringe element like the Santorums wants to push them back into the kitchen and the nursery. No, we won't go back. This philly left the coral a long time ago.

[Violet_Crumble]

8. Thanks for posting that, Tobin S...

I so get what yr saying about defensiveness, as I've seen defensive reactions on a local blog when it comes to past injustices towards our indigenous people. A lot of the attitude I saw there was the same sort of defensiveness that you talk about, which stems from having things ingrained into us since childhood and can result in the blinkers being brought down when people try to challenge those ingrained notions...

[Louisiana1976]

9. K&R

[no_hypocrisy]

10. You allowed yourself to change.

I admire your courage and your convictions.

[roguevalley]

11. you are a good man, TObin S. Welcome to the better side of life, tolerance, intelligence and hope

for others to change too. Hugs!

[Texasgal]

12. nice post Tobin!

I too am new to the feminist ideal. In my late age I am starting to become more aware of the plight of Women worldwide. I wish that I had a better clue growing up, although my Mom was a bra burning hippie that I thought was crazy! LOL! She was a good role model but I was too dumb to "get it". I feel I have wasted so much time!

I am not 100% up to par with some of the issues, but I am evolving and learning everyday. I am greatful to the Women of DU and the Women who fight everyday for Womens rights, health and well being.

I really appreciate this nice post! Thank you for sharing!

[blondie58]

13. wow. what an incredible post!

Thank you so much, Tobin S for putting your thoughts into words to share with us.

Yeah- DU does open your mind. We have the smartest bunch of people here- I have learned so much from the great minds found here.

I wish you- and your wonderful wife- much peace and love.

[tblue37]

14. I realize that you might not want to say--but I am curious about who you used to be,

if you don't mind telling.

I have been on DU since summer of 2004, and I am just wondering whether I was aware of your posts back then.

[Tobin S.]

15. Droopy

When I did the name change I informed the admin or maybe a mod who informed the admin. The Droopy account still showed as open for a long time. I don't know if it still does. They just disabled the account without tombstoning it so no one would think that I had been banned.

[maddezmom]

16. I remember the name change

and it was done with mod/admin's okay.

[tblue37]

24. That was nice of them to protect your rep like that. Anyway, thanks for the info. I vaguely remember

that user name, but I don't remember seeing anything overtly antifeminist or anti-women from you, so you were probably less openly chauvinistic than it seems to a more enlightened you as you look back in dismay on your previous behavior.

It is so nice when someone who has become more aware and toelrant tells others about it in a public forum. I consider it an invaluable public service, and I am really grateful for people like you!

I think that a lot of unfortuanate attitudes and behaviors are reinforced when people assume that their own unenlightened attitudes and actions are the norm rather than outliers. When those they assume are "on their side" in such matters publicly denounce their unenlightened stances, it does more to move the norm toward decency and tolerance than innumerable lectures from those who never held such beliefs.

Again, thanks for the OP post and for the info about your former DU ID.

[libodem]

17. Thank you for sharing

I admire your growth. I've met a few people in my life who grew politically or religiously and it must be a challenge. Folks that had bigoted parents or religious nuts who were no longer prejudiced against other races or became Democrats or atheists.

Good on you for overcoming the discomfort and taking the leap.

[mistertrickster]

18. Interesting.

"My ego would not allow me to admit to myself that I had been wrong, especially about women."

There's a life lesson we can ALL apply about the opposite sex . . .

[PassingFair]

19. Who told you that males were superior to women?

I'm really curious.

Was it our culture in general?

Was it your church?

Was it your family?

Was it your neighbors?

Other men?

All of the above?

[Tobin S.]

20. Culture in general for the most part

You know that whole patriarch thing.

I was raised going to a fundie church that taught that all women were to be subserviant to men.

As far as my family went, I think I learned by example more than anything someone told me. It was just the roles played out by my parents. I'd rather not go into details on that, but I will say that it was not an egalitarian reltionship.

Of course, other men. Just seeing what the men around me thought of women, what they said when women weren't around, reinforced the idea that men are superior. It was more of a way of being rather than a consciously thought out philosophy. I still see it in men all the time. The thought that women are equal to men seems like a foreign idea that has never occurred to them.

[PassingFair]

22. I was raised in Michigan. My mother always worked.

She was a speech therapist and my dad was a salesman.

Mixed marriage as far as religion goes, Mom is Episcopalian and Dad was an atheist.

I grew up with three brothers.

I never for one minute thought that they were superior to me in any way.

I had a rude awakening in my high school days, with boys that thought that I
should behave in certain ways.

My shock on dates, when they would reach over and take food off of my plate!
I almost famously PERFORATED one guy with my fork.

I married a guy that never tried to pigeon-hole me into a "type" of behavior.
We've been together for 25 years, and we still treat each other as equals.

My daughters demand equal footing in their relationships, too.

Poor bastards!!

Life is so much better lived out in the open, without game playing.
Your marriage will benefit from your examined attitude, and you and
your wife will THRIVE.

[The Doctor.]

21. The problem with irrational people

Isn't that they're men or women, black, white, brown, yellow, or blue, religious or atheist, or whatever...

They're just individuals.

Sometimes we encounter a behavior in someone and automatically associate that behavior with gender, race, or anything that stands out as 'different' to us. The more 'different' someone is, the easier it is to link that difference to the behavior. This creates a cycle of self-propagating perspective or 'confirmation bias'. It's very easy to wind up with generations of haters of all kinds, and very hard to break the cycle. Even when you're actually aware of it.

Good on you.